Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

[Larry Lee]

Here at Landover Baptist Church we're often portrayed as being judgmental white males who love Jesus, Toby Keith, Kanye West and the drool we slurp as we "grab'em by the pussy". Ha ha ha ha Our Lord is good… But we have a softer, more liberal side that comes out in a manly way to our homes and communities when times get tough. AND WE WHITE MALES UNDERSTAND! that in the wake of the Supreme Court's ruling making abortion illegal, there'll be boat-loads of poor women suddenly forced to drop their spawn. We can't have that! ....Which is why we’ve prayerfully decided -- with the Lord's gracious blessing -- to spend a huge chunk of Church capital sending home abortion lovebaskets to women in need. Our ministry will extend our compassionate love to those women who live in the typhus-infested border towns of the Rio Grande, the rural – and practically inaccessible, to anyone with a working sense of smell -- parts of Mississippi, Alabama, South Carolina and Tennessee, and to the most blighted areas of Detroit, New Jersey, the Los Angeles tent cities, and all of Boston and New York. We will make our love baskets available to women on demand -- with no questions asked -- and we'll assume they want to assert their colored freedom of choice and control their supple, tawny bodies. Our abortion-inducing love kits will include the following, with complete instructions on aggressively using these abortion aids to induce benign results.

insertion of leeches or cayenne pepper into the vagina
swallowing gunpowder
throwing oneself down the stairs
hitting oneself in the stomach with a meat pulverizer
consuming turpentine
spending a night in the snow
consuming opium
consuming tansy oil
using the fungus ergot

Will no one shout Hallelujah with JESUS!!

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

Hallelujah!

The main moral objection to abortion still remains; how does it materially differ from spilling male seed? Protections must be put in place to stop it hitting the ground.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

...spilling male seed? Protections must be put in place to stop it hitting the ground.

Are we re-opening the "kleenex vs. sock" debate again?

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

I seem to remember that "scientists" had determined that ergot was responsible for producing witches.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

insertion of leeches or cayenne pepper into the vagina

Gwyneth Paltrow has a candle for this.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

I seem to remember that "scientists" had determined that ergot was responsible for producing witches.

What about flying carpets?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

Remember, it's not abortion if God decides to kill the baby.

Stress, pollution, malnutrition and other FAKE PROBLEMS are blamed for the miscarriages that kill 3/4 of babies in the womb, but really it's just God smiting some sinners while the smiting is easy.

Here's one way to save your baby from stress and poverty: get rich by grabbing a good business opportunity. Wire clothes hangers are going to be selling well, and the machinery that makes them is about the same size and complexity as a typical laundry room:



Why does God choose to kill a baby after it's been poked with a coat-hanger? The LORD works in mysterious ways, that's just how it is.

, there'll be boat-loads of poor women suddenly forced to drop their spawn.

Not to mention potential parents of autistic and disabled kids:

Host 1: "abort the autistic" Host 2: "It's complicated" Host 3: (silent).

I'm amazed to find myself agreeing with CNN, yet here we are. Imagine where we would be Bill Gates and Elon Musk had CNN-watching, autist-aborting parents. We would still live in the good old days, calculating with slide rules and driving gas-burners the way God intended.

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

What about flying carpets?

As usual, scatterbrained ladies are changing the subject to interior decorating.

This is not the time or place for lady issues. This an important men's issue for important men.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

This is not the time or place for lady issues. This an important men's issue for important men.

Thank you for cutting to the point, Brother Harvey. There are some loop holes than need to be bunged up to make this new pro-life law work in practice - after all, if ladies can travel between States unaccompanied, what's to stop them driving to California and murdering babies there? They even have drive thru abortion clinics called In'n'Out (don't eat the food!). Either we ban California, or ban travel to California, or install faith inspectors at border crossings with ultrasound probes to discreetly scan suspects.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

Thank you for cutting to the point, Brother Harvey. Either we ban California, or ban travel to California, or install faith inspectors at border crossings with ultrasound probes to discreetly scan suspects.

Exactly, Dr. Toole--We cannot allow women from Bible believing states unsupervised travel to Satan's states where they can get abortions. Certainly entering California should not be available to any woman who has missed a period.

As you say, detecting a pregnancy is best done discreetly. This may not always be possible. It might be we simply require ultrasounds of all girls and women before they enter California.

We must keep in mind every pregnant woman is a potential crime scene.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

Exactly, Dr. Toole--We cannot allow women from Bible believing states unsupervised travel to Satan's states where they can get abortions. Certainly entering California should not be available to any woman who has missed a period.

Beautiful idea, Mr. Mayor. Like trucks and farm equipment, women should have to keep a log of their, ahem, uncleanness plus any recent servicings.

We must keep in mind every pregnant woman is a potential crime scene.

The whole thing is ground zero for criminals. I'd want to see marriage certificates, menstruation logs, a deposit (returnable with a second exculpatory ultrasound) and up-to-date abstinence pledges.

[Isabella White]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

As usual, scatterbrained ladies are changing the subject to interior decorating.

This is not the time or place for lady issues. This an important men's issue for important men.

And how I do thank the good in Heaven above, dear Brother Harvey, that there are some women in powerful places who share the same, very important views as your own dear self!

[Larry Lee]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

And how I do thank the good in Heaven above, dear Brother Harvey, that there are some women in powerful places who share the same, very important views as your own dear self!

Oh now, Sister Isabella, how you prattle-on in that handsome voice of yours. The thirteen sweethearts-of-the-Congress, who you mention, may be pro-life, but they're not anti-death! Just this afternoon, when I spoke with Brother Ted Cruz about Cancun junkets to Cozumel, for ministry to the pubescent male prostitutes there, not only did my eyebrow rise when I learned of Ted Cruz's penetrating knowledge of these boy's vulnerability, but I also learned that Ted Cruz has only to snap a Zoom meeting together, and the sweethearts-of-the-Congress will be slobbering all over whatever member of Congress -- or position of Republican dominance -- that Ted Cruz demands. Hallelujah! Ted Cruz assured me that he'd have these Republican pro-life females distributing Landover's abortion love baskets to the "great with child" women of the Rio Grande Valley within the week.

However, Ted Cruz has one request of us -- and I hope the True Christian™ body of Christ represented in this Godly forum will accede to Ted Cruz's mighty, yet surprisingly soft needs.Ted Cruz is fond, he told me, of administering douches of cayenne pepper to his former campaign door knockers, who find themselves in trouble. "It's a temporary thing", Ted Cruz said.

In addition to cayenne pepper, Ted Cruz wants our abortion love baskets to focus on detailed instructions for throwing oneself down the stairs and hitting oneself in the stomach with a meat pulverizer.

Also, Brother Didymus Much, Ted Cruz may be a leader among Republican men, but his casual, fun-loving side comes out when you least expect it. You may be surprised to hear that Ted Cruz told me he loves a good sock hop! "With my Viagra buddy, I'll never be too old to squeeze one out", Ted Cruz shared.... And if THAT doesn't end the debate over Kleenexes vs. socks , then nothing will. "Kleenexes are for sissies", Ted Cruz sighed.

[Bjorn Jensen]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

I have been thinking, what should we do with these promiscuous sluts in the theocratic, Bible believing states like Iowa who will ban abortion and these whores do it anyway? First I was thinking the death penalty, but wouldn't that really be a waste of fertile young women clearly capable of delivering beautiful babies?

[Larry Lee]

Re: Landover CARES! - Landover's response to the abortion crisis

Sir. I'm sure you understand purity and the disgust our loving God experiences when confronted with a nubile female that the Holy Ghost has yet to bless.

Your views on disposing of soiled females are in line with God's, I hope.