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Re: So...To you all I pose this question...
When I have trouble sleeping, a gallon jug of moonshine solves the problem. Every time.
Unfortunately, it can give you a powerful headache the next mornin'. Back in my younger days, I solved the headache problem by taking 17 hits of LSD and locking myself in a closet with a foghorn.
And that's when I first found Jesus! However, I did have to spend the next two years in the Happydale Home for the Severely Disturbed recovering from the LSD cocktail + foghorn. But it was a spiritually uplifting experience, talking to God and angels and Republicans everyday. I met lots of nice people in the asylum, including one dude who was a dead ringer for former President Bush (he was recovering from cocaine addiction).
Like many good Christians, I was persecuted for my beliefs. Like that time when I got arrested for having sex with 13-year-old Bessie Sue. It wasn't fair - she was my first coursin, so what business is it of the governmint if we eloped? The cops also made a big deal out of the fact that I first drugged her, tied her up and put her in the trunk of my car. Hey, out here in Wacko, Texas, lots of folks do stuff like that.
But all's well that ends well. Thanks to Jesus, I was certified insane and never got criminally prosecuted. God has steered me onto a righteous path. I traded in the foghorn for a bullhorn and have devoted my life to harassing women outside of abortion clinics, just as the Lord intended. Other than thorazine and moonshine, I'm completely off drugs. I do continue with the electroshock treatments though, during which time I often see God and talk to Him.
But I don't want to sound like I'm boasting or anything about my hotline to the Lord. After all, so many other Christians found Jesus the same way I did (after excessive drinking, drug use, and a long stay in a mental hospital or prison). It's called being "born again."
Hallelujah!
Brother Buford
When I have trouble sleeping, a gallon jug of moonshine solves the problem. Every time.
Unfortunately, it can give you a powerful headache the next mornin'. Back in my younger days, I solved the headache problem by taking 17 hits of LSD and locking myself in a closet with a foghorn.
And that's when I first found Jesus! However, I did have to spend the next two years in the Happydale Home for the Severely Disturbed recovering from the LSD cocktail + foghorn. But it was a spiritually uplifting experience, talking to God and angels and Republicans everyday. I met lots of nice people in the asylum, including one dude who was a dead ringer for former President Bush (he was recovering from cocaine addiction).
Like many good Christians, I was persecuted for my beliefs. Like that time when I got arrested for having sex with 13-year-old Bessie Sue. It wasn't fair - she was my first coursin, so what business is it of the governmint if we eloped? The cops also made a big deal out of the fact that I first drugged her, tied her up and put her in the trunk of my car. Hey, out here in Wacko, Texas, lots of folks do stuff like that.
But all's well that ends well. Thanks to Jesus, I was certified insane and never got criminally prosecuted. God has steered me onto a righteous path. I traded in the foghorn for a bullhorn and have devoted my life to harassing women outside of abortion clinics, just as the Lord intended. Other than thorazine and moonshine, I'm completely off drugs. I do continue with the electroshock treatments though, during which time I often see God and talk to Him.
But I don't want to sound like I'm boasting or anything about my hotline to the Lord. After all, so many other Christians found Jesus the same way I did (after excessive drinking, drug use, and a long stay in a mental hospital or prison). It's called being "born again."
Hallelujah!
Brother Buford
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