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Hello fellow True Christians! I know that I haven't checked in for awhile, but I've been very busy over here in Hong Kong due to the run-up to the Chinese New Year, which is today. The Chinks got this strange calendar which they brought with them from whatever planet they came from, so their New Year is at least a month after the Godly Christian one, but the exact date changes every year - go figure.
I understand that most of you rely on Fox News to keep informed, and since Fox never covers foreign news - except when the USA is bombing some pissant country back to the Stone Age - I realize that you might not even be aware of what's going on over here on the gook-occupied side of the world. Maybe you don't care either - and not that I'd blame you - except that these slant-eyed aliens keep multiplying and spreading, taking over whole neighborhoods in America. There are Chinktowns in big cities like San Francisco and New York, and even out in Flyoverland a Chink restaurant is never far away.
To make matters worse, the Chinks got all the money. As ya'll have no doubt noticed, everything at Wal-Mart is Made in China. Even worse, the Chink government is pressuring my company to raise wages, improve worker safety and clean up pollution in their country. I'm as outraged about this as the rest of you are - such extortion would be good enough reason to "liberate" China with our awesome military, except that now all our military hardware and ammo is made in Chinkland too. But I assure you that my company has a plan - we're working hard to return all dangerous and polluting factory jobs to American inmates at our privatized prisons in Texas. Unfortunately, it's a slow process, and in the meantime all we can do is lure Chink tourists to my company's casinos in Las Vegas to win back some of the money they stole from American workers.
Anyway, in keeping with the holiday spirit and in the interests of diversity, I just thought I'd share some of my worldly knowledge about the Chink New Year. You see, I've been living in Hong Kong for over 20 years now in order to look after my company's factories in China, and thus I've become a bit of an expert in Chink culture.
So let's start our cultural tour! To begin with, they got signs plastered all over Hong Kong right now with Chinese characters and the Romanized Cantonese words Gong Hey Fat Choy. I don't know what that means - the only Chink words I've learned in 20 years are chow mein, chop suey and egg rolls, but anyway it's got something to do with the New Year. Also, they got these men running around in yellow costumes with dragon thingies - if you ask me, it looks very homo.
Chink Gay Pride Festival (note the dragon's tongue stud)
Another custom - one which I find particularly disturbing - is that the job creators like me are expected to give all the employees bonuses. That's right, not just CEO bonuses which are richly deserved, but even bonuses to lowly factory workers, including children! But hey, we gotta be culturally sensitive, so we go ahead and pay the bonuses - an extra heaping portion of meat for all our workers.
New Year's Bonus - All you can eat!
Any leftovers are frozen and shipped off to our subsidiary in the USA that supplies school lunches under contract to the US Department of Education.
During the Chink New Year, you are also expected to show your generosity by helping the needy. Now of course, I don't want to encourage panhandling, but my company's marketing department just recently came up with a brilliant program to help starving beggars earn extra cash. As you may be aware, some company's will pay for "product placement ads" where they slip their company's product or logo into a photo that is not actually a direct advertisement. For example, Coca-Cola might pay for a movie to have all the actors drinking Coke. Taking a cue from Hollywood, we've instituted a pilot program with Hong Kong's begging community, and so far I'm pleased with the results.
Product placement advertising
Finger-licking good!
In return for the product placement ads, participating beggars get first crack at picking through the garbage dumpsters - there's almost always some good cans and bottles in there!
Just one more example of how Uranus is a caring, sharing company and a good global citizen.
I understand that most of you rely on Fox News to keep informed, and since Fox never covers foreign news - except when the USA is bombing some pissant country back to the Stone Age - I realize that you might not even be aware of what's going on over here on the gook-occupied side of the world. Maybe you don't care either - and not that I'd blame you - except that these slant-eyed aliens keep multiplying and spreading, taking over whole neighborhoods in America. There are Chinktowns in big cities like San Francisco and New York, and even out in Flyoverland a Chink restaurant is never far away.
To make matters worse, the Chinks got all the money. As ya'll have no doubt noticed, everything at Wal-Mart is Made in China. Even worse, the Chink government is pressuring my company to raise wages, improve worker safety and clean up pollution in their country. I'm as outraged about this as the rest of you are - such extortion would be good enough reason to "liberate" China with our awesome military, except that now all our military hardware and ammo is made in Chinkland too. But I assure you that my company has a plan - we're working hard to return all dangerous and polluting factory jobs to American inmates at our privatized prisons in Texas. Unfortunately, it's a slow process, and in the meantime all we can do is lure Chink tourists to my company's casinos in Las Vegas to win back some of the money they stole from American workers.
Anyway, in keeping with the holiday spirit and in the interests of diversity, I just thought I'd share some of my worldly knowledge about the Chink New Year. You see, I've been living in Hong Kong for over 20 years now in order to look after my company's factories in China, and thus I've become a bit of an expert in Chink culture.
So let's start our cultural tour! To begin with, they got signs plastered all over Hong Kong right now with Chinese characters and the Romanized Cantonese words Gong Hey Fat Choy. I don't know what that means - the only Chink words I've learned in 20 years are chow mein, chop suey and egg rolls, but anyway it's got something to do with the New Year. Also, they got these men running around in yellow costumes with dragon thingies - if you ask me, it looks very homo.
Chink Gay Pride Festival (note the dragon's tongue stud)
Another custom - one which I find particularly disturbing - is that the job creators like me are expected to give all the employees bonuses. That's right, not just CEO bonuses which are richly deserved, but even bonuses to lowly factory workers, including children! But hey, we gotta be culturally sensitive, so we go ahead and pay the bonuses - an extra heaping portion of meat for all our workers.
New Year's Bonus - All you can eat!
Any leftovers are frozen and shipped off to our subsidiary in the USA that supplies school lunches under contract to the US Department of Education.
During the Chink New Year, you are also expected to show your generosity by helping the needy. Now of course, I don't want to encourage panhandling, but my company's marketing department just recently came up with a brilliant program to help starving beggars earn extra cash. As you may be aware, some company's will pay for "product placement ads" where they slip their company's product or logo into a photo that is not actually a direct advertisement. For example, Coca-Cola might pay for a movie to have all the actors drinking Coke. Taking a cue from Hollywood, we've instituted a pilot program with Hong Kong's begging community, and so far I'm pleased with the results.
Product placement advertising
Finger-licking good!
In return for the product placement ads, participating beggars get first crack at picking through the garbage dumpsters - there's almost always some good cans and bottles in there!
Just one more example of how Uranus is a caring, sharing company and a good global citizen.
Every "chinese year" they chose an animal to worship, be it a rat or a cockroach. Now in 2014 we enter the year of the "Wood Horse". Why don't the chinks chose the "golden calv" right away?
Hell will be full of idol worshipping chinks.
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