Tweet
Greetings fellow True Christians! Sorry if I've been quiet for awhile, but you know how busy one can be doing God's work. I just got back from a business trip to Kiev, capital of our new territory Ukraine, where I had discussions with our recently installed interim President-for-life, Oleksandr Turchynov. Did you know that he's a Baptist pastor? And he loves the USA! That's right, just the sort of El Presidente we Americans want in power. Plus he looks pretty white for a beaner.
As for all those rumors about his neo-Nazi beliefs, I guarantee you those are vicious lies. After all, as numerous True Christians have pointed out, Hitler was a socialist. I can assure you that Turchynov is no socialist...and if he is, we can replace him with another stooge in an instant, so perish the thought!
Anyway, the main purpose of the meeting was to arrange a $5 billion IMF loan. You might think that making a loan would be a simple process, but I assure you that it's anything but. Sure, easy enough to come up with the money - especially when all the US Treasury has to do is print it up and lend it to my company at 0.5% interest so we can lend it to Ukraine at 25% interest. But finding the cash is the easy part - the complicated issues are twofold:
1) What Ukraine will actually do with the money.
and
2) How the loan will be repaid.
Well, to answer No. 1, both President Turchynov and I agreed that half would go into his Swiss bank account, while the other half will be used to purchase weapons from my company. After all, the Ukrainians are gonna need weapons to fight the Ruskies, and we've got lots of rusting tanks, ships and planes from the last Cold War that we got to get rid of before they fall apart completely. So it's a win-win!
As for No. 2 - repaying the loan - that's a bit stickier. This is, after all, a poor country, so if we're gonna squeeze anything out of 'em, we gotta be creative. The good news is that Ukraine has a big radioactive spot west of Kiev known as Chernobyl - I'm happy to announce that we got their pissant government to agree to let us add a few million tons of our perfectly harmless radioactive waste to their stockpile. They got a nice big lake near Chernobyl where we can dump it, and since the place already glows in the dark, no one will be the wiser.
Unfortunately, Ukraine doesn't have oil, gold, diamonds or any other mineral wealth we can ravage. They do have wheat - we'll be taking most of that, but we promised to leave enough to feed half their population. Speaking of the population, as it turns out, that is actually the country's biggest asset - its people! Especially the female half, most of whom are stunningly good-looking. It just so happens that my company is opening a new chain store in the Middle East called Woman to Go, and I am certain that this will create many excellent job opportunities for Ukrainian ladies.
Happy Ukrainian recruits on their way to Dubai
New employee at our grand opening in the Riyadh Mall, Saudi Arabia
Lucky Ukrainian girl finds romance in Pakistan
Of course, Putin is being a dick, having stolen Crimea right out from under us before we could even assess its value. But never mind - we can throw the Ruskies a bone for now, and in the meantime look for ways to bring them democracy, which they can repay in oil and natural gas.
A new Cold War is great for the economy! What could possibly go wrong?
As for all those rumors about his neo-Nazi beliefs, I guarantee you those are vicious lies. After all, as numerous True Christians have pointed out, Hitler was a socialist. I can assure you that Turchynov is no socialist...and if he is, we can replace him with another stooge in an instant, so perish the thought!
Anyway, the main purpose of the meeting was to arrange a $5 billion IMF loan. You might think that making a loan would be a simple process, but I assure you that it's anything but. Sure, easy enough to come up with the money - especially when all the US Treasury has to do is print it up and lend it to my company at 0.5% interest so we can lend it to Ukraine at 25% interest. But finding the cash is the easy part - the complicated issues are twofold:
1) What Ukraine will actually do with the money.
and
2) How the loan will be repaid.
Well, to answer No. 1, both President Turchynov and I agreed that half would go into his Swiss bank account, while the other half will be used to purchase weapons from my company. After all, the Ukrainians are gonna need weapons to fight the Ruskies, and we've got lots of rusting tanks, ships and planes from the last Cold War that we got to get rid of before they fall apart completely. So it's a win-win!
As for No. 2 - repaying the loan - that's a bit stickier. This is, after all, a poor country, so if we're gonna squeeze anything out of 'em, we gotta be creative. The good news is that Ukraine has a big radioactive spot west of Kiev known as Chernobyl - I'm happy to announce that we got their pissant government to agree to let us add a few million tons of our perfectly harmless radioactive waste to their stockpile. They got a nice big lake near Chernobyl where we can dump it, and since the place already glows in the dark, no one will be the wiser.
Unfortunately, Ukraine doesn't have oil, gold, diamonds or any other mineral wealth we can ravage. They do have wheat - we'll be taking most of that, but we promised to leave enough to feed half their population. Speaking of the population, as it turns out, that is actually the country's biggest asset - its people! Especially the female half, most of whom are stunningly good-looking. It just so happens that my company is opening a new chain store in the Middle East called Woman to Go, and I am certain that this will create many excellent job opportunities for Ukrainian ladies.
Happy Ukrainian recruits on their way to Dubai
New employee at our grand opening in the Riyadh Mall, Saudi Arabia
Lucky Ukrainian girl finds romance in Pakistan
Of course, Putin is being a dick, having stolen Crimea right out from under us before we could even assess its value. But never mind - we can throw the Ruskies a bone for now, and in the meantime look for ways to bring them democracy, which they can repay in oil and natural gas.
A new Cold War is great for the economy! What could possibly go wrong?
Comment