Hell House: best rooms, worst rooms?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

I've gotten word from the Hell-House technical crew that this year's Hell-House has been over-ambitious, and several rooms with have to be ommitted for various logistical reasons. Please add your opinion as to what parts are indispensible, and which rooms aren't so great and can be saved for next year.

There's my two cents:

Indispensible:

The self-abusers room.

Of course, the abortion room is always indispensible. If they's enough electricity, the twitching fetuses in the pile are a nice touch, but not critical.


The part with Obama's ACORN thugs invading a white family's house. Recycled from "If Obama wins" from last year. However, the Forced-Abortions section can be merged with the Abortion Room, if necessary.

The Gays in Hell room is always a favorite, but the actor who plays Matthew Sheppard wants to be payed a lot, and really, do any kids even know what Matthew Sheppard looked like? We could have any actor play his part.

Dispensible:

The Room with the gamers dieing from game-related injuries: the message is still good, but everything here is obsolete. No kid these days remembers the Super Scope for the SNES, so why do they care if it makes their eyes fall out? Same thing with the kid paralyzed by Virtual Boy, that thing was a curiosity 15 years ago. The girl who commits suicide because her game character died can be merged with the Pop Culture KILLS room.



The fate of sluts room is a tough one, since we want to portray sluts without actually showing any lewdness. The message is lost. We need to make up our minds - are we going to show full-blown navel-exposing sluttery, or should this room be cancelled?

[Nobar King]

Re: Hell House: best rooms, worst rooms?

A military war hospital tent would be great. There can be buckets of body parts in jello for the kids to stick their hands in, and lots of old bones.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Hell House: best rooms, worst rooms?

A military war hospital tent would be great. There can be buckets of body parts in jello for the kids to stick their hands in, and lots of old bones.

You mean the one we use for our War of Northern Aggression re-enactments?

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Hell House: best rooms, worst rooms?

I don't think the Video Games/Slut rooms should be axed this year. Both of them deal with issues teenagers these days have to face. Now, I had no idea the Video Game room was obsolete. Are you saying kids don't play Pac-Man anymore? Heck, Pac-Man was the first video game I panned back in 1982. Kids were being inspired to pop a bunch of pills and believe in the occult after playing that game. As for the slut room, do we really need to get rid of it? I mean, all those young ladies from the college love role-playing in that room. I'm sure no one thinks we should get rid of the six scantily-clad college girls showing skin. Even though it is a bit risque, I think it's necessary for them to show their navels and wear skimpy miniskirts, because like you said, the message is lost without them.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hell House: best rooms, worst rooms?

They tried to ax the "Elisha and the Shebears" room too, but I paid off negotiated with the inspectors, so it stays.

[Rick 'Magma' Bocchino]

Re: Hell House: best rooms, worst rooms?

Last year, after being stuck in line for over two hours to get in I had my Olga hold my place in line while I headed for the porta-potties. I made it to the porta-potty area and chose one of the few vacant units. I opened the door and was met with one of the most horrific things I'd ever seen: former church security guard and local retard Stinky was sodomizing a goat, and both were covered in what I can only assume was a mix of human and animal waste.

My hat goes off to whoever was responsible for this horrific scene. Everything looked so real it truly shook me to my very core. The fake feces covering both man and goat smelled truly awful, the inside of the porta-potty looked genuinely vile, and the scene looked completely organic-- as if I'd actually stumbled upon the scene of some unholy debauchery. But that isn't where the amazing attention to detail ended: the actors, both man and beast, acted the scene so perfectly it was like they had actually been having anal sex. The man, pants around his ankles, appeared to actually be "aroused" and looked like he was actually enjoying the situation while the goat, perhaps the finest animal actor I've ever witnessed, had a look on his little face that showed real fear and genuine terror.

The man, sexually connected to the goat from behind, shouted "GET OUT OF HERE!" and slammed the door shut in my face. To this day I still don't know what exactly the message of that room was, since it seemed highly interpretational and cryptic like a European film, a Rush album, or a broadcast of Rush Limbaugh's show after he's got his Vicondin fix.

So I guess I'm asking if the goat sodomy room will be back this year. If you'll allow me to make one suggestion, though, perhaps you should add it to the main part of the Hell House so more people can see it. It just seemed odd that one of the rooms --the scariest and most affecting-- would be outside of the Hell House in a porta-potty in the parking lot. I would also like to commend you for giving old Stinky another chance, I know he's been on some hard times since being fired as the church security guard after accidentally letting those Mexicans in church a few years back.

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Hell House: best rooms, worst rooms?

This goes for all the Christians that attended our Hell House last year and wrote us with suggestions:

For the last time: that guy with down syndrome that was covered in human feces and sodomizing a goat in a porta-potty out in the parking lot was not a part of the Landover Baptist 2008 Hell House, please stop asking us to bring him back this year.