Godly Help Needed Immediately!

[Jean Poole]

My dear Christian brothers and sisters, as I was out shopping for a new KJV1611 Bible, I came across one in a so-called Christian Store and bought it immediately. Naturally, I thought that a Christian Store would only sell God's True Bible!

But imagine my horror when I saw that it was the NIV! It was in my house fifteen whole minutes before I realized. I burnt it at once, but the sinful item was still in my own home.

My question is: How long should I pray for forgiveness for allowing this sin-infested book in my childrens' midst? Is there anything else I should do?

[Bob4God]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

Did any of the children see this liberal abomination, or get a chance to read it? If so, it would be prudent for you to sit them down and explain the horrors that GOD has in store for those who add or remove from His word. Make sure they know there are endless ways they can accidently go to hell, and that they must depend on CHRIST at all times for guidance.

Ask GOD to forgive you for furthering the liberal Christian agenda by purchasing a NIV, and next time, be more careful!

Yours in CHRIST,

-Bob4God

[Nobar King]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

I'm sure sister M&M would accept it for Landover's annual book burning.

[Deaner]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

Did any of the children see this liberal abomination, or get a chance to read it? If so, it would be prudent for you to sit them down and explain the horrors that GOD has in store for those who add or remove from His word. Make sure they know there are endless ways they can accidently go to hell, and that they must depend on CHRIST at all times for guidance.

It would probably be best to punish them as well for looking at it. Maybe a few good belts across their face with the real Bible.

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

The NIV contains heretical, blasphemous doctrine, but it is extremely subtle. The Devil sure earned the nickname of "silver tongue" when he wrote that perverted grimoire. This resource, however, cuts all that garbage right to the quick, and lays all of the Devil's lies bare.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Jean Poole]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

Thank you all. Unfortunately I cannot donate the evil book since I have already burnt it. My 14 yo looked inside the book, but my husband has locked him in our prayer closet while he screams for the NIV devil to come out. I shall inform him of your wise words, Deaner, to hit them with the KJV.

[Justina Thyme]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

Mother of 20, I'm gratified to see that you've taken our good Pastors' advice. Now, if you would, please take a few moments to go over the following list to determine whether you possess any of these items:

American Indian artifacts (dreamcatchers, etc.), carvings, pictures
East Indian items
Paisley pattern on anything
Items from other countries, especially Africa, China, Japan
Statues/pictures of false gods/goddesses (Buddha, Krishna, et al.)
Frogs, owls, hearts, unicorns, angels, dolphins, rainbows, dragons, horseshoes
Dolls and stuffed animals (dolls originated in voodoo)
Items of clothing named after pagan idols or gods/goddesses (e.g., Nike is a Greek goddess)
Pictures of movie stars/other celebrities
Some items passed down from ancestors (the ancestor may have been cursed)
Shamrocks, clovers or any kind of good luck charm
Any items used in witchcraft
The Book of Mormon
The Satanic Bible
Any "Christian" bible other than the English King James Version 1611 (KJV1611)
Books on other religions
Rock and roll music, jazz music, etc.
Flamingos, sundials, books/tapes from false (i.e., non-Deliverance) religions
Ankhs, astrological symbols, peace symbols, tikis, Italian horns (cornutos)
Stars, wishbones, incense, fleurs-de-lis

[Jean Poole]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

Oh dear, a couple of my girls have baby dolls!

Should we burn them?

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

Oh dear, a couple of my girls have baby dolls!

Should we burn them?

The dolls? Yes.

The girls? Only if they cry and whine and refuse to accept that the dolls are evil. If they do this, they may be witches. (I suggest trying dunking before lighting them up, however. It's best to be sure about these things.)

Perhaps the girls can help take care of their younger siblings instead of playing with dolls! (Assuming they are not witches.)

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

The dolls? Yes.

The girls? Only if they cry and whine and refuse to accept that the dolls are evil. If they do this, they may be witches. (I suggest trying dunking before lighting them up, however. It's best to be sure about these things.)

Refresh my memory if you would Rev. Rodimer.

Is it if they float they are a witch and if they sink and drown they are pure, or is it the other way around?

[Jean Poole]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

Dolls have been smashed and burned. The girls were slapped for leading their parents into sin while engaging in their idolatrous practices.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Godly Help Needed Immediately!

When you bought that NIV, you were probably helping to fund terrorism. Jesus hates that. You should try and even out the balance a little by tithing at least twice the cost of that NIV to God's Favourite Church.