What are you wearing to Rapture?

[Hank]

I got me mine sorted out

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

I'd like to remind ladies we should wear "tap pants" or bloomers under our dresses on that day, as some of us (I'm not saying who) may rise up in the air earlier than others, and we wouldn't want anyone's underthings exposed to those waiting down below.

Stock up now.

.

[Once was lost]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

I have not given much thought to what i will wear until you started this thread. Now i will have to pick out some dandy outfit.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

We should all remember to bring sweaters, too, because it might get chilly being swooped up through the heavens, with all the rushing wind, etc.

(It always looks very cold out there when I look out the windows of a plane...but that might be because they keep the air conditioning turned up so high. Brrrrrrrrrrr!)

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

What you wear on Rapture Day is very important.
You will get to join the parade of 144,000 marching through the streets of gold.
It will be a gaily-clad day of pride in Heavens' streets.
All the Apostles and famous Saved© people will be lined up on either side of the route to cheer your choice in rapture fashion.
You get to hear them making comments on how good you look for all eternity!
You get your new wings and robes at the end of the march.
The Prophets will sign autographs, so bring a pen.

I have chosen a black thong speedo covered by a fig leaf.
Baby oil thickly smeared all over my body, with a touch of gold glitter in the oil.
The fig leaf is to remind them angels that I (man) have returned from being exiled from the Garden of Eden (In your face angels, we are back!!)
The speedo is so I can modestly wrestle an angel and hitch a ride to the pearly gates on its' submissive backside, and thus ride it triumphantly down the parade route.
Me & Angel

I dreamed all this after I fell asleep watching WWF wrestling and the 700 Club on television.

Sister Verna will be wearing her Mary Kay outfit, with her black patent leather belt.
It will tell all Saved© souls that she made the July sales quota, and she has fine skin care and color cosmetics available for eternal radiance and that healthy Heavenly glow.

Rev Jeffrey Lebowski
Sister Verna Too {she is hoping to get a Pink Cadillac career car}

[Forest Spirit]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

I thought the rapture was like the transporter in The Terminator and that everyone will ascend to heaven nude. There must be some entrance station where you're given a set of flowing robes.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

It will be a gaily-clad day of pride in Heavens' streets. All the Apostles and famous Saved© people will be lined up on either side of the route to cheer your choice in rapture fashion.

Oh my, I didn't know there was a parade!

I better wear something more like this. (It won't look good with a sweater, but I can ditch that somewhere along the way.) Are there white flowers in Heaven™ for my hair, or do I have to bring some?

PS: Remember, the streets are paved with gold, People, so don't pick anything that will clash with that. Think ahead!

.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

I'd like to answer this question by sharing a letter I recently recieved from a Christian child. She wrote..

Dear Pastor,

I learneded in my Left Behind books and my Chick tracts that when the Rapture comes, Lord Jesus maybe reaching His hand right down out of Heaven to snatch us up so fast to Glory that He leaves our CLOTHES behind! My Momma told me that bein’ nekkid and lookin’ at other folks who is nekkid is just flat out WRONG. I understand that Jesus may be makin’ Christian folks nekkid in Heaven so He can tell ‘em apart from all the unsaved folks. But I think the unsaved folks is gonna have missing heads and body parts from when Jesus killed ‘em, so it will be easy to tell them apart.

What is really gonna happen, Pastor? When my family gets to Heaven, I don’t wanna see my grandpa nekkid! He’s gonna want to give me a great big hug, and I don’t think I’m gonna like it!

Sincerely,

Kimmy Williams (Age 11)

Here is my reply;

Dear Kimmy,

First let me say it is an absolute joy to hear testimony from a precious young lady like yourself. It makes me proud that someone at your age is already reading the Left Behind Series. If you were a student at Landover Baptist University, you wouldn’t get to that series of books until the second year of your post-graduate studies in American English Literature. That you’ve already have read them, and have a firm understanding of the iron-clad, unavoidable future that awaits all Christ-fearing folks, is a testament to the success of our home schooling program.

What amazes me is that you’ve studied the Left Behind series and referenced your supplemental Chick tracts so carefully that you’ve noticed the one tiny oversight in these gripping pre-history volumes. Yes, for while our dear brothers in Christ Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins did a wonderful job channeling God’s gloriously dramatic premeditated plans for mass genocide into those books, they chose to omit one important detail of the glorious Rapture. Specifically, that when Jesus sucks you out of your clothes into Heaven, the force of His holy vacuum will be so great that it will shear every hair from your body, every breast and nipple from your chest, and praise God, every tallywhacker and hoochie that dangles or rests between the sacred legs of every Bible believing Christian on the face of the earth. Yes! The Lord will see to it that our clothes, and our vile sex organs are the only things that get left behind. Shout Glory!

You are probably asking yourself, “Why will Jesus be removing our reproductive organs and teats before we get to Heaven?” Well, my dear lady, the answer is quite simple. In Heaven, there'll simply be no need for genitals. My guess is that the Lord is pretty disgusted after having to watch His creatures hump away on each other for the last 4,000 years. I know I’d be! Think of it this way, Jesus and His Daddy have been sitting up there in Heaven watching the longest pornographic film ever made, and frankly, they are no longer amused. So after the Rapture, they will be looking for new ways to get their kicks.

Post-Rapture, Jesus and His Daddy will be preoccupied with savagely slaughtering an ungrateful 90% of the world who didn’t give Him 10% of their paychecks, for having a lifetime of fun at the Lord’s expense. I get a big old belly laugh when I think about the horrors that await unsaved people. Why after they get over the initial shock of discovering that the millions of person-free girdles and jockey shorts lying around town aren't actually empty after all, but are in fact filled with the soggy, smelly, disembodied giblets of their former owners! I tell you, it is gonna be a real hoot to watch the expressions on their faces from our front row seats in Heaven! Oh Lordy! I am laughing out loud right now as I am writing this!

And so to answer your question – yes, you and your Grandpappy will be as naked as a pair of sphynx kittens, skipping down Main Street as soon as you get through the pearly gates! But don’t fret, dear Kimmy, for it will not be the nakedness you will have come to know during your short life. Indeed, because your grandfather’s wrinkled skin noodle will be hiding in his pleated Dickies on the floor of the Hemlock Farms rec room, waiting to surprise the first unsuspecting, unsaved person who happens upon them. And your hairless, stinky little hoo-hoo will still be clinging - like a thick strip of raw bacon - to the humid, satiny insides of the little pink panties left dangling off the seat of your Schwinn 3-speed.

That’s right – for while Heaven may be a nudist colony, all the residents look like giant walking, talking depantsed Ken and Barbie dolls – blessedly free of hairy holes and hamhocks from the waist down!

So, when you are reunited with your grandfather in Heaven, he'll ask you to sit upon his lap once again. And if you feel that familiar poke on your thigh, grandpappy will no longer by lying when he says, "That's only a roll of lifesavers down there, my dear! And it means I'm happy to see you!"

I hope that clears up any concerns you may have, little Kimmy. See you after the Rapture!

Yours in Christ,

- Pastor Ezekiel

[Larry Lee]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

I have chosen a black thong speedo covered by a fig leaf.
Baby oil thickly smeared all over my body, with a touch of gold glitter in the oil.

There's something about that that doesn't seem quite right.

[Once was lost]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

Forest Spirit

I thought the rapture was like the transporter in The Terminator and that everyone will ascend to heaven nude. There must be some entrance station where you're given a set of flowing robes.

Maybe so,but we can at least show some respect by dressing and let our Creator decide later. I bet you run around nude in front of your Dogs!

[Jeeps4Salvation]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

Heaven may be a nudist colony, all the residents look like giant walking, talking depantsed Ken and Barbie dolls – blessedly free of hairy holes and hamhocks from the waist down!

I live to shed my penis and no longer have to hide it between my legs
...and to no longer have to shave everywhere would be a true blessing.

[HTannor]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

I think I just felt the taste of puke in the back of my mouth.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

when Jesus sucks you out of your clothes into Heaven, the force of His holy vacuum will be so great that it will shear every hair from your body, every breast and nipple from your chest...

I think this is a good answer, Pastor, because it will make this Kimmy think twice before running out and getting an expensive set of implants...as so many young girls are pressured to do, today.

Why spend all that money when they could be whisked away any minute?

[Luci Mourningstar]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

Ohh Mistress Cookie, nothing less than a wedding dress as I will be the bride of Jesus

Maybe something like this, because God Blessed America so many times and I can show my appreciation

[lilith]

Re: What are you wearing to Rapture?

What am I wearing to rapture?


A smile.