The Lord Killed My Wife as a Test of Faith

[Herman Periwinkle]

In the Spring of 1973, I married my wife Rhoda. We were married for four miraculous days until she confused her milk with rat poison and vomited to death. God sent her a test of faith and she failed.

In our four short days together, I had already administered punishment upon her more than once, as she so frequently needed correction. I know at least one of those punishments would have been sufficient to kill any large mammal of 300 lbs or more within a few hours. I attribute her survival of those punishments to her glorious faith in Christ Jesus. Her memory is a loving reminder that your most important test of faith is your last one. I have faith that she is in hell now, having failed her most important test of faith.

The Lord has sent me so many wives, and so many have failed God's tests of faith (thank God for Freehold Mutual Insurance™). I have faith that there is a woman here in Freehold who God has designed for me. I'll know who she is upon our first date, shortly after just a couple drinks. Does anyone know any eligible True Christian™ ladies in Freehold who can replace someone like Rhoda or any of the others?

[Youth Minister Harry]

Re: The Lord Killed My Wife as a Test of Faith

Does anyone know any eligible True Christian™ ladies in Freehold who can replace someone like Rhoda or any of the others?

Brother, I think any of the eligible ladies of Freehold would be able to replace Rhoda. Their virtuous natures make them practically interchangeable. I'll see if I can't scare up a potential wife for you. Some of the boys in the youth group have sisters who are reaching child-bearing age.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: The Lord Killed My Wife as a Test of Faith

I love new love. It's so precious and beautiful.

We'll have to ask around the congregation to see if any of the single gals would know how to really handle your snake well.

You are so charming, Brother Periwinkle. I can't imagine you will stay single long.

[Rodrigo]

Re: The Lord Killed My Wife as a Test of Faith

Thank you, Brother Herman, for sharing your experiences. In reading your account, I sense there may be other brothers here who are desirous for their wives to receive such a "test of faith" from God. Is there a prayer, that you have found effective? I hope it includes the word "beseech."

[tedalmos]

Re: The Lord Killed My Wife as a Test of Faith

Brother Herman i am sorry for your less may your deceased spouse rest in heaven. Don't let this horrific experience bring you down keep following the word of God. Doing so you will soon see her in heaven along with the other dead wives of true believers Revelation 21:4 - And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

[Herman Periwinkle]

Re: The Lord Killed My Wife as a Test of Faith

Thank you all so much for your loving support. Daisy Mae, I've always thought you'd make an ideal wife if you were not already over 25 years old. It's too late for us, but perhaps one of your nieces would be a more appropriate age.

Tedalmos, my espaniche is a bit rusty, so I had some trouble making out your message until you got to the Revelation quote, which I found inspirational. Our tears shall precede our deaths, as is God's plan. A wonderful sentiment! Thank you.

And Brother Rodrigo, I have a wonderful prayer for you. I don't know your wife's name, so let's use Gloria. That sounds believable. Let's kneel and pray together:

Dearest Heavenly Father,
Rodrigo and I are kneeled before You to ask that You bless Rodrigo's wife Gloria with Your Grace. She works very hard and each motel room she cleans is a step closer to falling out of grace by accidentally walking in on a hot mess of child pornography being filmed or a deceased hooker being filmed. Lord, Rodrigo has done all he can do to protect Gloria, even going so far as protecting her with a sizable life insurance policy, but she insists on working because she's a "modern woman" and she has "a life". We now beg that You bless her with Your love and a Godly test of faith. We beseech You to visit Gloria with a wonderfully slippery staircase or perhaps a small hammer falling from a high shelf as she accidentally falls into the back seat of a Camaro before clumsily rolling into a ravine. Lord, should she survive your test (or several tests over the course of years), we shall all know that she is a faithful servant of Christ because Your Holy Word teaches us that no harm shall befall the faithful (Psalm 91:9-12, Proverbs 12:21).

In Christ Jesus' Name We Pray,
Rodrigo Guadalupe Gonzales (or whatever it is) and Herman T. Periwinkle


Let me know if that prayer does the trick, Rodrigo!



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