[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: Breaking up with a Non Christian Girlfriend

Today’s message is about breaking up with a non Christian girlfriend. Break ups are always hard for people but it might help if you understand that your so called Christian girlfriend is not what she claims to be. Let’s examine this. Well first of all if she is Jewish or Punjabi or worships the great monkey god of south Bali, this does not apply and you can happily dump her and all her emotional baggage without a second thought.

Yes, just call your Deacon and tell him you've finally come to your senses, then block her phone number.

If you are the soft hearted type like myself the other kind people here at Landover you may be tempted to be gentle.

Don't wanna be too gentle, otherwise you'll wind up telling her you're a homo or black or that those open sores on your tallywhacker really aren't birthmarks after all.

Since every woman I have ever seen who was a Christian Republican Baptist or the worthy British equivalent was a fine picture of feminine pulchritude and chaste ways

Glad to hear they exist in the UK. I've had my doubts.

I'd avoid being mean if I could but if she wasn't having any of it and insisting on remaining together then I would have to put my foot down and just explain how God wants me to be with someone better.

You are on fire, Brother McGregor. Preach it! No doubt when the time comes for your Deacon to arrange a marriage for you, you will do far, far better.

Does it say anywhere in the Bible that ugly fat ones don't deserve Salvation? Please quote.

This isn't the Who Deserves Salvation thread.

On the other hand, it may be good to dump her and promise to return and love her "truly, madly, deeply" if she accepts Christ in her heart, and lets His Blood wash away all her sins, so that she'll be as white as snow or snow-white? hm... so, tell her you return if she will be a True Christian as yourself.

Too much drama. Better to make a clean break of it. Give her a Bible as a parting gift, and trust the Lord to take care of her immortal soul.

I'm guessing the only girlfriends you've ever had were inflatable.

Now that's a green chip answer if I ever heard one. Just gotta wait until I can find some more of the darned things.