Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

[Vavoline Johnson]

Mr Samule got hisself in da Shapes pennytentury up in Rockledge dis mornin. He was appost to goes to Mr Passa Zeek and clean da spimmers on da church caddilac. Well, lass weeks he gots his foot runned ober by Miss Pearl Annes grass cutter. The little fat white boy dat does da lawn didnt see him asleepin in da flowers. Now his foots got all swollen and da big toe done fell off. He been tryin to get the disability and he aint got tythin moneys for da Landover dis week. He went up with ole Cyde to da seven-beleven and took some of dat joo wine, da mogendavid and forgots to pays for it. The poleece came at 5 in da mornin and tooks Sam to da jail. Hes gonna have to sit his black ass in da jail until eyes get paid by Miss Berfa dis week. Dat man gots da debil in him!

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Listen Buckwheat, you do not seem the slightest bit interested in trying to change your backwards nigra ways. Who taught you to write, Amos and Andy?

By mangling His favorite language the way you do, you are practically forcing God to send you into the Lake of Fire, where your considerable bulk (you just HAVE to be hugely fat) will cause a grease fire of Biblical proportions for ETERNITY!

Mend your ungrammarly ways now or prepare to meet Satan!

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Mr Samule got hisself in da Shapes pennytentury up in Rockledge dis mornin. He was appost to goes to Mr Passa Zeek and clean da spimmers on da church caddilac. Well, lass weeks he gots his foot runned ober by Miss Pearl Annes grass cutter. The little fat white boy dat does da lawn didnt see him asleepin in da flowers. Now his foots got all swollen and da big toe done fell off. He been tryin to get the disability and he aint got tythin moneys for da Landover dis week. He went up with ole Cyde to da seven-beleven and took some of dat joo wine, da mogendavid and forgots to pays for it. The poleece came at 5 in da mornin and tooks Sam to da jail. Hes gonna have to sit his black ass in da jail until eyes get paid by Miss Berfa dis week. Dat man gots da debil in him!

Brother Portway, let me help with this. I do speak several dialects of Negro. This post has a few aspects that confound me, but I will make an attempt.

“Mr. Samuel got arrested this morning and is now in Shapes Penitentiary. He had an appointment with Pastor Zeke to clean the spinners on the Church Cadillac. He was unable to keep the appointment because last week his foot was run over by Miss Pear Anne’s lawn mower. The chubby young Caucasian Little Soldier that cuts the grass did not see Mr. Samuel sleeping in the flower bed. Mr. Samuel’s foot has become very swollen. His big toe was amputated in the accident. He has yet to receive any disability payments and does not have money to tithe to Landover this week. He met Clyde at the Seven Eleven and pilfered some Hebrew Mogan David wine. The police arrived this morning at 5:00 and arrested Mr. Samuel. He will have to sit on his black buttocks and remain in jail until later this week when I get paid by Miss Bertha. That man is possessed by Satan.”

One note;. I googled Shapes Penitentiary and got no results. I have no idea where Mr. Samuel actually is.
The story is still somewhat garbled, but I hope it helps.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Brother Portway, let me help with this. I do speak several dialects of Negro. This post has a few aspects that confound me, but I will make an attempt.

“Mr. Samuel got arrested this morning and is now in Shapes Penitentiary. He had an appointment with Pastor Zeke to clean the spinners on the Church Cadillac. He was unable to keep the appointment because last week his foot was run over by Miss Pear Anne’s lawn mower. The chubby young Caucasian Little Soldier that cuts the grass did not see Mr. Samuel sleeping in the flower bed. Mr. Samuel’s foot has become very swollen. His big toe was amputated in the accident. He has yet to receive any disability payments and does not have money to tithe to Landover this week. He met Clyde at the Seven Eleven and pilfered some Hebrew Mogan David wine. The police arrived this morning at 5:00 and arrested Mr. Samuel. He will have to sit on his black buttocks and remain in jail until later this week when I get paid by Miss Bertha. That man is possessed by Satan.”
One note;. I googled Shapes Penitentiary and got no results. I have no idea where Mr. Samuel actually is.
The story is still somewhat garbled, but I hope it helps.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

I'm impressed Brother.

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Excellent Translation Snipped for Brevity
Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

Thank you Brother! I honestly had no idea what that piccaninny was on about.

I hope the lawnmover wasn't damaged!

[Vavoline Johnson]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Brother Portway, let me help with this. I do speak several dialects of Negro. This post has a few aspects that confound me, but I will make an attempt.


One note;. I googled Shapes Penitentiary and got no results. I have no idea where Mr. Samuel actually is.
The story is still somewhat garbled, but I hope it helps.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

Oh broduh Lazeris, He in da Sharpes jail in ups in Rockledge. Is you gonna post hims his bails?

[WickedWitch]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Hmm, I thought "Shapes" was a strange misspelling of "State", thus a State Penitentiary. Oh well, can't be right all the time.

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Oh broduh Lazeris, He in da Sharpes jail in ups in Rockledge. Is you gonna post hims his bails?

Hows much bees dat bails? Iffin eyes a gonna post dat bails eyes gonna has to know what eyes gotta pay. Hab he seens da Judge yet? Hows bees dat foot? Hab he went to a doctah in dat jails?

Y'alls in Jeebus
Broduh Lazarus

[WickedWitch]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Hows much bees dat bails? Iffin eyes a gonna post dat bails eyes gonna has to know what eyes gotta pay. Hab he seens da Judge yet? Hows bees dat foot? Hab he went to a doctah in dat jails?

Y'alls in Jeebus
Broduh Lazarus

Never in a million years would I have thought I would live to see the day when a White, English-Speaking, True Christian American Man would post in such awful gibberish! If I get infractions for posting in French, Borther Lazarus should at least get a talking-to for that... That... Jumbled, bastardized, ungrammatical, incomprehensible, offensive, blasphemous would-be English! The.. The... The shock of it, it's just not good for my grammar-loving heart. I think might... I think.. Think I might... *Faints*

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Never in a million years would I have thought I would live to see the day when a White, English-Speaking, True Christian American Man would post in such awful gibberish! If I get infractions for posting in French, Borther Lazarus should at least get a talking-to for that... That... Jumbled, bastardized, ungrammatical, incomprehensible, offensive, blasphemous would-be English! The.. The... The shock of it, it's just not good for my grammar-loving heart. I think might... I think.. Think I might... *Faints*

Well, Miss Valvoline is in obvious need of assistance and since I am able to speak in her native tongue I thought it would be useful to do so in this instance. I trust that the Pastors will understand my intent in this matter.

Until Miss Valvoline completes the ex-Negro program there may be times it is necessary to communicate with her in ebonics.

If you got infractions for speaking French, it was probably because there was no need to be to speaking in French.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[WickedWitch]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

*Recovers from fainting spell* That's not true. Whenever I posted in French it was because a poster was French and had difficulty communicating in English. So it was exactly the same reason you had, but I was punished for it. At least French is a real language, and I posted in a grammatically correct manner. Ebonics isn't a real language, and it's destroying English (supposedly Jesus' favourite language). Why is it you can mangle a language for the same reason I use a grammatically-correct language and not be punished? I'm not sure any of that made sense, but I'm still recovering from the shock of your post. Bad grammar doesn't compute in my brain and tends to make me babble incoherently; especially when it comes from someone who normally speaks/writes perfectly. I hope I made my point semi-understandable. My brain is a fragile thing, you can't just... D-do things like that to it! I need to sit down.

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

*Recovers from fainting spell* That's not true. Whenever I posted in French it was because a poster was French and had difficulty communicating in English. So it was exactly the same reason you had, but I was punished for it. At least French is a real language, and I posted in a grammatically correct manner. Ebonics isn't a real language, and it's destroying English (supposedly Jesus' favourite language). Why is it you can mangle a language for the same reason I use a grammatically-correct language and not be punished? I'm not sure any of that made sense, but I'm still recovering from the shock of your post. Bad grammar doesn't compute in my brain and tends to make me babble incoherently; especially when it comes from someone who normally speaks/writes perfectly. I hope I made my point semi-understandable. My brain is a fragile thing, you can't just... D-do things like that to it! I need to sit down.

Well it is unknown if I will receive an infraction or some other sort of reprimand. It's possible that you received what you believe to be harsh treatment because in their Gentle Love the Pastors are still trying to help you become a True Christian.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[WickedWitch]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Well it is unknown if I will receive an infraction or some other sort of reprimand. That's true. It's possible that you received what you believe to be harsh treatment because in their Gentle Love the Pastors are still trying to help you become a True Christian.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

Hmph. It's possible. But I'm derailing the thread now.

Mrs. Johnson, I hope all goes well with your husband and his foot.

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

Hmph. It's possible. But I'm derailing the thread now.

Mrs. Johnson, I hope all goes well with your husband and his foot.

It isn't easy communicating in Ebonics. There is no written language and many of the dialects do not translate well even to each other. When communicating in writing to an Ebonics speaker it is necessary to make an educated guess as to the dialect and them attempt to write it phonetically. Miss Valvoline is speaking mostly Gullah but she has been exposed to a more urban form of Ebonics. This makes some sense since she is in Florida, where Gullah would have been the language of her ancestors. It is apparent to me that she is now living in an urban setting. This makes communicating with Miss Valvoline even more difficult than usual.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[WickedWitch]

Re: Lawdy Lawdy wes hab troubles now!

That's ridiculously complicated and I'm tempted to ask you how you know all these different dialects of Ebonics, but that would further derail the thread.