[SayvedByTheLord]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

Miss Maisie let me say that you are the most genteel Southern Belle I have ever encountered. You are always supportive of everyone, at least those who are True Christians.

You poor soul!
Of course I'll pray for your caboose, Mr Smith. And I agree with what Bobby Joe done said. May the healing power of our Lord flow into your unfortunate hindquarters and grant a speedy recovery!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

Nephew Zebulun brought round the photo. I feel it has artistic merit.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

No wonder I got myself into such trouble last night--I was carrying around the guilt of five completely unforgiven sins! I must make amends immediately:

Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.
Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.
Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.
Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.
Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.

And I forgive you another 408 sins against me, all in advance. That should cover us well into 2009. Praise God!

Ha! That explains it! The bottom line is, the demons gotcha when yooooou weren't lookin, Brother!

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

Well, there is one whom I have not completely forgiven. He has sinned against me 82 times, so five of those indicents remain unforgiven, as Jesus demanded in Matthew 18:21-22:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

I just realized that I didn't do the math right. It turns out I can only stop forgiving my bretheren after 70 times 7 sins against me, not 70 and 7. This is a bit embarrassing (not, mind you, nearly as embarrassing as the whole tattoo thing, but, still, I don't want to lead anyone astray as to the contents of the Bible).

No wonder I got myself into such trouble last night--I was carrying around the guilt of five completely unforgiven sins! I must make amends immediately:

Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.
Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.
Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.
Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.
Brother Nobar, I forgive you, in Jesus' name.

And I forgive you another 408 sins against me, all in advance. That should cover us well into 2009. Praise God!

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

I would be hard pressed to find a truer group of friends, and I thank you all for your prayers. Bottom line, surely with so Godly a group assembled to pray on my behalf, your sage advice, and the stern warning I received from Deacon Hardwick, it is but a matter of time before my tale of woe comes to an end and I ascend from the depths of despair caused by my cheeky and asinine behavior to reclaim my position in Heaven near the seat of the Lord. Indeed, I do believe the tattoo has begun, ever so slightly, to fade away already.

ASS DEMONS

How silly of me not to have thought of this. Now that you mention it, I do believe those vile spirits must have been involved in this unfortunate incident.

1) You have repented and ask JESUS to save you. In other words, you must be a "TRUE WORSHIPER" (John 4-23)

Yes, of course, I love the Lord with all my heart and seek salvation in his blood.

2) You have forgiven everyone who has ever hurt you

Indeed, I have forgiven every True Christian™ who has slighted me, as the Apostle Paul enjoined in Ephesians 4:32:

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Well, there is one whom I have not completely forgiven. He has sinned against me 82 times, so five of those indicents remain unforgiven, as Jesus demanded in Matthew 18:21-22:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

3) You want DELIVERANCE from the demons.

More than anything in the world, except the quick onset of the End of Times and the return of control of the House and Senate to the Republican Party. My deliverance cannot come rapidly enough.

Say, "Father, in JESUS' name I forgive my father, mother, brothers, sisters, relatives, (name anyone else now), and anyone else who has ever hurt me."

Indeed, I do forgive my family, in Jesus’ name, and honor my parents as required in the Ten Commandments, Exodus 20:12:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

Forgiving my family was especially hard on me, because I hate them all, just as Jesus has required of me in Luke 14:26:

If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

De:31:12: Gather the people together, men, and women, and children, and thy stranger that is within thy gates, that they may hear, and that they may learn, and fear the LORD your God, and observe to do all the words of this law: 13: And that their children, which have not known any thing, may hear, and learn to fear the LORD.

Indeed, Brother Bathfire, these very verses were in my heart when I set out to convert my former compatriots.

I'm not sure the Aleuts would know what to do with you.

Most likely they'd turn my flesh into pemmican, and some eskimo kid would have a parka bearing the likeness of Pastor Deacon Fred. But that beats incurring the wrath of Deacon Hardwick, hands down.

The way I see it, Brother AZ, you can run, but you cannot hide from the wrath of LBC's most senior pastors. For that reason, I suggest you make a generous PayPal gift and then appeal to our senior pastors' love of architectural detail and religious ornament.

An excellent suggestion, and one that I will implement as soon as I get my credit cards replaced (it seems that my wallet was another casualty of last night's misadventures).


*Pie Can Kill, I thank you, too, for your kindness. While I seriously doubt that God would listen to the prayers of unsaved trash like you, the fact that you are speaking to the Lord is a sign of progress. Perhaps, after a few years of continued prayer, you will find yourself no longer banned from the Landover Forums.

[Larry Lee]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

The way I see it, Brother AZ, you can run, but you cannot hide from the wrath of LBC's most senior pastors. For that reason, I suggest you make a generous PayPal gift and then appeal to our senior pastors' love of architectural detail and religious ornament. You have noted the stained glass, bejeweled chalices and Corinthian leather upholstery that adorns the Church sanctuary, haven't you? It's in that spirit of True Christian™ adornment that I humbly suggest you flatter our pastors by dedicating the entire working surface of your fairly expansive posterior to a colorful – yet respectful – tableaux depicting the Godly visages of Landover's spiritual leaders: Pastor Deacon Fred (OK, you’ve got him), Pastor Harry Hardwick, Pastor Al E. Pistle and Pastor Billy-Reuben. I know they’d be forgiving of your transgression and honored, once they gaze upon their own likenesses inked upon your butt.

Also, there's the added advantage that your new butt-work will complement that NSFW speedo thing you've taken to wearing when swimming laps at the Landover pool.

[Larry Lee]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

I'm not sure the Aleuts would know what to do with you.

The way I see it, Brother AZ, you can run, but you cannot hide from the wrath of LBC's most senior pastors. For that reason, I suggest you make a generous PayPal gift and then appeal to our senior pastors' love of architectural detail and religious ornament. You have noted the stained glass, bejeweled chalices and Corinthian leather upholstery that adorns the Church sanctuary, haven't you? It's in that spirit of True Christian™ adornment that I humbly suggest you flatter our pastors by dedicating the entire working surface of your fairly expansive posterior to a colorful – yet respectful – tableaux depicting the Godly visages of Landover's spiritual leaders: Pastor Deacon Fred (OK, you’ve got him), Pastor Harry Hardwick, Pastor Al E. Pistle and Pastor Billy-Reuben. I know they’d be forgiving of your transgression and honored, once they gaze upon their own likenesses inked upon your butt.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

Brother Ahimaaz, whilst we don't condemn the use of alcohol, we know it can get us in to trouble if we abandon the path of moderation.

Your defaced hinie is now the living proof of this.

Friends, if we do a circle prayer with Brother Smith's derrière in our minds , would that somehow cure this abomination?

Good point Brother, I think this calls for a Circle of Brothers to help Brother Ahimaaz beat the sin out him!

[Pie can Kill]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

Sounds like a terrible event for you, i'll be praying for you friend.

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

Perhaps Brother Smith needs a pastor's powerful Christian dictum to drive the demons from his derriere?

PS "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print or tattoo any marks upon you: I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:28

[Wide-Open]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

Brother Ahimaaz, whilst we don't condemn the use of alcohol, we know it can get us in to trouble if we abandon the path of moderation.

Your defaced hinie is now the living proof of this.

Friends, if we do a circle prayer with Brother Smith's derrière in our minds , would that somehow cure this abomination?

[Miss Maisie]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

You poor soul!
Of course I'll pray for your caboose, Mr Smith. And I agree with what Bobby Joe done said. May the healing power of our Lord flow into your unfortunate hindquarters and grant a speedy recovery!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

Rest assured brother your bottom is in my thoughts and prayers. May our savior Jesus enter you and comfort you in your tribulation.

[SUV]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

ASS DEMONS

My GOD - how could I have not realized this?!

Brother A, um....soooooo....let me Pray a little more in private about this, okay?

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Please Pray For My Butt

I was out drinking last night with some of my pre-salvation friends, hoping to deliver the Gospel to them in the only idiom that they really understand, the drunken stupor. [...]I wound up with a tattoo of Pastor Deacon Fred on my rear end. [...] buck naked, in a shopping cart on Deacon Hardwick's front yard, only to be discovered by Mrs. Hardwick as she went about her early morning chores. [...]so I can use all of the help I can get.

If you have it in your heart, I implore you, please pray for a cleansing of my derriere, and the faster, the better. And Lord, if you are listening, get me out of this mess and I will never, ever, drink again.

Brother Ahimaaz,
There are times when I think that I have read it all and then The Lord shows me yet another of His Wonders. Yet as I ceased reeling from shock, I realized that there was probably nothing about which to worry. Your concerns are probably as follows:

• That you, of all people, should thing that it would be a good idea to get drunk, unless you were thinking of Ec:9:7: Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works. And as a True Christian, I can see no reason why He would not accepteth thy works.

• That in such a state it were possible to preach the Lord’s Word, unless you were thinking of De:31:12: Gather the people together, men, and women, and children, and thy stranger that is within thy gates, that they may hear, and that they may learn, and fear the LORD your God, and observe to do all the words of this law: 13: And that their children, which have not known any thing, may hear, and learn to fear the LORD. If this requires that you enter, armed with the Sword of Salvation, taverns and places of iniquity, so be it.

• That you would, despite any inebriation, allow printing on skin, unless you were thinking of Le:19:28: Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD. Clearly in your tired and emotional state, having given exhortations to the unsaved, you were in no state to print anything. This was thus, done unto you and is the work of others. You are a martyr.
• That this printing would encompass the definition of a graven image, unless you were thinking of Psalms:78:58: For they provoked him to anger with their high places, and moved him to jealousy with their graven images. For who could think that The Lord would be jealous of a tattoo on the butt (particularly yours!)

• That you would uncover you nakedness to, of all people, Mrs Hardwick, unless you were thinking of 1Sa:19:24: And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? If therefore you were prophesying, and who in that state would not be considering the future, there is no offense to the Lord.

• That you did it in an iron chariot (shopping trolley), unless you were thinking of Jos:17:18: But the mountain shall be thine; for it is a wood, and thou shalt cut it down: and the outgoings of it shall be thine: for thou shalt drive out the Canaanites, though they have iron chariots, and though they be strong. For, as later is revealed, The Lord commands the seizing of the property of the Canaanites, and thus, possession of the iron chariot would indicate that you had partaken in battle for the Lord – which you said you did by attempting to spread the Lord’s Word amongst the Unsaved.

As I finished this and was about to come to the point where I would post my humble opinion, my Nephew Zebulun walked in, I showed him your plight and despite some inappropriate levity, he suggested that Pastor Decon Fred had recently preached upon repentance. In a Sermon entitled “God Omnipotence Against Transgressors’ Sins Explained” (or G-O-A-T-S-E for short.) Zebulun assures me that doing G-O-A-T-S-E will put you in a better light and that Pastor Deacon Fred will appreciate this act of contrition if displayed at him.

I cannot recall the sermon in question but I would do anything if it helps you. Zebulun says he will come round to your place with his digital camera.