Prayer request for Jenny

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Dear Church Fellowship,

I wish to organize a group prayer for poor suffering Sister Jenny D. As you all know Sister Jenny has walled herself up in the Monthly Visitor due to being in a constant state of "high tides". I cannot help but feel somewhat responsible for her issues.

The Freehold community has my word that I will never dress up like a gladiator in public ever again. I didn't realize that my muscular arms, iron pecks, rock solid abs, gluts and thighs could have that kind of effect on her. I am deeply sorry for the trouble I've caused her and realize I need to grow up. Poor Jenny, being the innocent True Christian lady that she is, thinks she has been having a particularly long unclean time. However, reports from patrons to the Visitor state that there is no bleeding. As far as I know, if there is no blood it isn't a period. What she is most likely experiencing is a constant state of intense arousal for which I am to blame and I deeply apologize. Please pray for her.

Sister Thyme, there may be a demon of lust involved in this. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Let's pool our faith together and help Jenny through this test that Jesus has put before us. At 1100pm CST tonight we should all be praying for the cessation of her naughty river's overflow.

See you all tomorrow at service. If Jesus listens to our prayers, and of course He will, Jenny will be in attendance as well.

[Mr Godwin]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

Dear Church Fellowship,

I wish to organize a group prayer for poor suffering Sister Jenny D ...

... as far as I know, if there is no blood it isn't a period. What she is most likely experiencing is a constant state of intense arousal for which I am to blame and I deeply apologize ...

Ya think so, hey?

[Brother Enoch]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

I pray through Mother Mary that the Lord guides Jenny's right index finger to her love button. In but seconds the demon of lust will be banished. Anyone nearby should use earplugs.

[Nobar King]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

You can be assured that my prayers go out to sister Jenny. She needs all the help she can get at this point.

[Justina Thyme]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

I daresay there is no lust involved here, DEMON. But there is PRIDE. No, not even pride, but ARROGANCE on your part, in assuming that a fine True Christian™ lady like Sister JennyD would be interested in your man bits simply because you parade them around like some Doberman in rut, hoping to capture the attentions and affections of any female within 100 paces of yourself.

PYTHON (PRIDE - CONTROL)

A demon called PYTHON is linked to PRIDE and CONTROL. It wraps around its victim, keeping the victim from doing the things they should do. Read below the origin of PYTHON and why it is such a tough demon.

Python - gr. Pytho, the older name for delphi. A genus of very large, nonpoisonous snakes of Burma, Indochina, etc., that crush their prey to death, the typical genus of the family pythonidae.

In classic mythology, a monster serpent inhabiting the caves of Parnassus and preying upon the people of Delphi and their flocks; it was slain by Apollo.

Any large snake that crushes its prey, as the boa.

Any snake of the genus python or of the family pythonidae.

Pythonidae - a family of peropod snakes, having intermaxillary teeth and rudimentary hind limbs; the rock snakes.

Pythonoidea - a division of large nonvenomous peropod snakes, having rudimentary hind limbs but no pelvis, including the families boidae, charinidae, and pythonoidae.

Pythoness - the priestess of the Delphic oracle. Any woman supposed to be possessed of the spirit of prophecy; a witch; familiar spirit.

Pythonism - divination, divining, augury, pythonism; soothsaying, soothsay, hariolation; fortunetelling, crystalgazing; crystal ball; astrology; sorcery; clairvoyance.

Pythian - relating to Delphi, to Apollo's temple there, its oracle, or priestess. Relating to the Pythian games. A native or inhabitant of Delphi, specifically, the priestess of Apollo. An epithet of the Delphic Apollo.

Python (mythology) - a legend of the greek god Apollo says he avenged his mother, Leto, by killing the dragon Python because it had persecuted her.

Python - a huge serpent, nameless and female in the earliest account (Homer) which was killed by Apollo at Delphi (older name Pytho), either because it would not let him come near the oracle, it used itself to give oracles, or because it persecuted his mother Leto during her pregnancy. It is generally said to be the child of earth, and in all probability is to be connected with the reliable tradition that there was an oracle of earth at Delphi before Apollo came. In Hellenistic belief, a python was a spirit which possessed certain persons and prophesied unknown to them through their mouths. (Encyclopedia Britannica)

Serpent: a snake from its hiss, a serpent; a hiss, i.e. whisper a (magic) spell; gen. To prognosticate; certainly, divine, enchanter, enchantment, learn by experience, diligently observe.

Cast this demon out in the name of Jesus and experience much freedom from his clutches. Many preachers have PYTHON.

And know this: A python, or very large snake, is well known as a phallic symbol. Need I spell it out for you? Your specious attempt to seek assistance from this congregation, and from myself in particular, is based on arrogance, and your arrogance is based on the (alleged) size of your tallywhacker. Nice try, poseur. Now get down on your knees and beg Jesus' forgiveness before He decides to send you to hell where you'll discover what a real python feels like.

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

I daresay there is no lust involved here, DEMON. But there is PRIDE. No, not even pride, but ARROGANCE on your part, in assuming that a fine True Christian™ lady like Sister JennyD would be interested in your man bits simply because you parade them around like some Doberman in rut, hoping to capture the attentions and affections of any female within 100 paces of yourself.

And know this: A python, or very large snake, is well known as a phallic symbol. Need I spell it out for you? Your specious attempt to seek assistance from this congregation, and from myself in particular, is based on arrogance, and your arrogance is based on the (alleged) size of your tallywhacker. Nice try, poseur. Now get down on your knees and beg Jesus' forgiveness before He decides to send you to hell where you'll discover what a real python feels like.

I have no plans of courting Sister Jenny; therefore, your accusations are absurd. As a True Christian I simply wish to aid another True Christian in a time of need. Now clearly it is very unnatural for a woman's pelvic canal to continue running nonstop for weeks straight. Clearly some demonic workings have to be in play and I thought you'd be the best bet for coming up with a solution, but that is what I get for thinking a woman could spearhead anything of this importance. Jenny needs help right now, not you babbling about your obsession with my man parts. You and that VanHelsing twat need to get off my nuts.

Dear congregation, I just hope our prayers were enough seeing that Justina didn't come through for us. Cross your fingers.

[JennyD]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

It's a shame that you don't pay sufficient attention, dear Clarence, or you'd realize that I work two to three weeks of the month in Oregon, raising the Godly Christian child of the depraved hippies, and only one to two weeks per month at The Monthly Visitor tending to business.

The reason I don't meet you at the door, Clarence, is because I'm in Oregon.

However, Mammy Edwards (my manageress) tells me that you've been by every day this week on your bicycle, wearing your plastic gladiator helmet with the chicken feathers sticking out. You really should stop that; she's afraid you're going to try some sort of voodoo ritual. (Before she was Saved(c), she was married to a Haitian. It was apparently a very unGodly situation.)

Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes and not harassing my staff or the ladies at The Monthly Visitor in the future.

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

It's a shame that you don't pay sufficient attention, dear Clarence, or you'd realize that I work two to three weeks of the month in Oregon, raising the Godly Christian child of the depraved hippies, and only one to two weeks per month at The Monthly Visitor tending to business.

The reason I don't meet you at the door, Clarence, is because I'm in Oregon.

I know you LIVED in Oregon. It's no secret.

Jenny, stop embarrassing yourself. You haven't returned to Oregon since you that incident when you fled town. You know, THAT incident. The one the church has chosen to forget.

We only wish to help you. You do want help don't you? You don't wish to continue being in a semi-unclean state indefinitely, do you? I do hope our prayers have healed you.

However, Mammy Edwards (my manageress) tells me that you've been by every day this week on your bicycle, wearing your plastic gladiator helmet with the chicken feathers sticking out. You really should stop that; she's afraid you're going to try some sort of voodoo ritual. (Before she was Saved©, she was married to a Haitian. It was apparently a very unGodly situation.)

Haitians, plastic helmets, voodoo, chicken feathers, and my "Bicycle"?
Oh, Jenny, At least you haven't lost your sense of humor in these trying times. I hear that's a good sign.

I know I prayed for you and I'm sure that I'm not the only one. So tell us, Jenny, did our prayers work? Or are you still the shamed owner of your own private Slip-n-Slide?

I need to get ready for service. Hoping to see you there.

[Bob4God]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

The Freehold community has my word that I will never dress up like a gladiator in public ever again. I didn't realize that my muscular arms, iron pecks, rock solid abs, gluts and thighs could have that kind of effect on her.

What kind of Christian dresses in such a manner to begin with?

I sense arrogance in your post, and we know that arrogance was Lucifer's original sin.

Your muscles and tallywacker won't keep their composure in the lake of fire, friend.

[SayvedByTheLord]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

If you actually dress like that you will be one of Satan's favorite anal orifices in hell.

[JennyD]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

We only wish to help you.

Who is "we", Clarence?

Do you think yourself a Pastor now?

Oh, dear. Perhaps they have a nice room for you next door to our dear friend Petal.

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

Who is "we", Clarence?

Dear sweet Jesus, she doesn't even know who we are anymore. This is worse than I thought. Come on everyone. It is imperative that we keep up a strict prayer regiment.

1 Corinthian 12:14-20 states, "For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling? But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. And if they were all one member, where were the body? But now are they many members, yet but one body."

Who are "we"? We, the Landover Baptist Church Congregation, are the Body of Christ on Earth.

Do you think yourself a Pastor now?

No, Jenny.

Is being a pastor a prerequisite in order to try and help a fellow church member? I think not.

1 Corinthian 12:21-27 states, "And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you. Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary: And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked: That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it. Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular."

And like any body, each member must work together and support each other for the greater good. We are your friends, Jenny. You don't have to go it alone. If you suffer, I suffer. When you are feeling better, I will be feeling better.

Oh, dear. Perhaps they have a nice room for you next door to our dear friend Petal.

Should we pray for Petal too? I think that is something that is missing among this True Christian community. So much effort is put into praying for heathens that we sometimes we forget to give ourselves some Love.

[Justina Thyme]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

There is something you don't seem to understand here, Vahyr of the Whatever. I shall put it simply so that you can grasp it:

Look at the status line under your name. It says "Member."

Look at the status line under Sister Jenny's name. It says "True Christian."

A True Christian™ heavily outranks a Member in the hierarchy* of our church. It is a position to be earned, not given lightly. Therefore, you are not on an equal footing with her, nor with any other person whose rank is that of True Christian™. We are your superiors, and you would do well to remember that before the moderators and Pastors of this house of worship decide to infract your sorry ass to the point of banning you permanently. In other words, show some respect for your elders, TC-wannabe. Understand now?

*hi·er·ar·chy Audio Help /ˈhaɪəˌrɑrki, ˈhaɪrɑr-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[hahy-uh-rahr-kee, hahy-rahr-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation–noun, plural -chies. 1.any system of persons or things ranked one above another. 2.government by ecclesiastical rulers. 3.the power or dominion of a hierarch.

[SUV]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

I shall send Aunt Flo from Red River over to cheer her up

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

There is something you don't seem to understand here, Vahyr of the Whatever. I shall put it simply so that you can grasp it:

Look at the status line under your name. It says "Member."

Look at the status line under Sister Jenny's name. It says "True Christian."

A True Christian™ heavily outranks a Member in the hierarchy* of our church. It is a position to be earned, not given lightly. Therefore, you are not on an equal footing with her, nor with any other person whose rank is that of True Christian™.

Look her, woman. I've about had just about enough of your sass mouth. What you need to do is get in the kitchen and fix your husband a sandwich. Do the laundry, wash the dishes, vacuum the floor. Hell, lay on your back, spread your legs and pray for your husband to impregnate you - but do not get sassy with a man of God. I think I've already been over the issue of female inferiority.

Jesus says I OUT RANK YOU, heifer.

You think some forum title means anything? Shit, Mullah Akbar Ahimaaz bin Smith Shiek Muhammed has "True Christian" under his name and he is a god damned sinner.

We are your superiors, and you would do well to remember that before the moderators and Pastors of this house of worship decide to infract your sorry ass to the point of banning you permanently. In other words, show some respect for your elders, TC-wannabe. Understand now?

I know one thing for sure. If YOU don't receive an infraction for running your yappity trap to YOUR MALE BETTER the moderators aren't doing their job. Have you even read the Bible? Does your husband know you are online shaming yourself in this fashion?

Now stop derailing this thread!!! Jenny needs our prayers. I will not stand by while a member of the BODY is in pain.