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Sinless Masturbation after Hand Transplant
Sinless Masturbation after Hand Transplant - A Case Study.
Elmer G. White
Landover University, Department of Creation Science
Peer-reviewed by Prayer and God
Previously, our own impeccable community has determined that male masturbation is gay sex due to the inescapable fact that the hand giving the satisfaction to the copulatory organ is that of a man (Leviticus 18:22). I present here an important exception to this general rule based on the experiences of a good friend, a Godly man and a relatively good preacher, who wishes to remain anonymous, as he frequents these discussion boards and does not wish to raise too much envy (Job 5:2).
This anonymous man, one of our own, was spreading the gospel in the South American (Messican) with his obedient wife (who took care of the catering) jungles when they were attacked by a group of local savages armed with machetes. After the resulting mayhem and a lot of efficient prayers, the life of the man was saved, as Jesus still had plans for him. However, his wife perished after a well-landed precise strike of the weapons, and the man suffered serious injuries, the worst of which was that his right hand was amputated.
But he had lots of preaching to do, blessings to give and sermons to write. And he was - similar to all God-fearing men, right-handed. What to do?
Fortunately the mission had a gasoline-driven generator and a portable fridge to cool their refreshments. So the man preserved some crucial body parts of his wife, while the savages apparently consumed the hand that had given blessings and healings and invited more heathens to Jesus than the number of fingers of that hand had been.
To cut the story short, the man had wisely married a woman of the same blood type to avoid marriage across racial boundaries (Deuteronomy 7:3). Thus, the deceased wife was the perfect donor for a hand transplant. After a quick Prayer with Jesus informing that, indeed, in this rare case he should trust the doctors, the man received the hand of his wife and was, once again, able to do the Lord's Work in an efficient manner. Praise Jesus who let his wife to die in the hands of the savages to give this man a new hand!
Philippians 4:5
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
Revelation 5:7
And he came and took the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne.
Now, Brethren, a man needs release but only within the Godly heterosexual marriage (1 Corinthians 6:18). I am happy to tell you that this man has become an avid masturbator. He gets release at least once a day, even more often in-between his sermons. And IT IS NOT SIN. The hand he is using is a hand of a WOMAN. It is NOT homosexual. Furthermore, it is the hand of HIS WIFE! It is NOT adultery (Leviticus 20:10). You might raise the objection that the seed is spilled (Genesis 38:9), but it is NOT. Praise Jesus! In fact, the convulsions of this man during the phase of release are so weak that the spurts only travel a very short distance and most of the discharge lands on his wife's hand that is just performing her marital duties. (I know that it is complicated.) By the Grace and Miracle of Jesus, it is possible that the touching of his seed on his wife's now transplanted hand may lead into the miracle of pregnancy and birth, and I am proud to say that this man is trying this most vigorously.
And as the sense of touch in the transplanted hand will remain feeble, he fulfills the promise of Jesus!
Matthew 6:3
But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:
Conclusions: Masturbation includes marital duties performed with a transplanted arm and in this case it is WITHOUT SIN. Jesus sees all this and smiles approvingly and enjoys to watch how one of His chosen ones continues to do His work even after this unfortunate incident. God IS Great!
Yours in Christ,
Elmer
Elmer G. White
Landover University, Department of Creation Science
Peer-reviewed by Prayer and God
Previously, our own impeccable community has determined that male masturbation is gay sex due to the inescapable fact that the hand giving the satisfaction to the copulatory organ is that of a man (Leviticus 18:22). I present here an important exception to this general rule based on the experiences of a good friend, a Godly man and a relatively good preacher, who wishes to remain anonymous, as he frequents these discussion boards and does not wish to raise too much envy (Job 5:2).
This anonymous man, one of our own, was spreading the gospel in the South American (Messican) with his obedient wife (who took care of the catering) jungles when they were attacked by a group of local savages armed with machetes. After the resulting mayhem and a lot of efficient prayers, the life of the man was saved, as Jesus still had plans for him. However, his wife perished after a well-landed precise strike of the weapons, and the man suffered serious injuries, the worst of which was that his right hand was amputated.
But he had lots of preaching to do, blessings to give and sermons to write. And he was - similar to all God-fearing men, right-handed. What to do?
Fortunately the mission had a gasoline-driven generator and a portable fridge to cool their refreshments. So the man preserved some crucial body parts of his wife, while the savages apparently consumed the hand that had given blessings and healings and invited more heathens to Jesus than the number of fingers of that hand had been.
To cut the story short, the man had wisely married a woman of the same blood type to avoid marriage across racial boundaries (Deuteronomy 7:3). Thus, the deceased wife was the perfect donor for a hand transplant. After a quick Prayer with Jesus informing that, indeed, in this rare case he should trust the doctors, the man received the hand of his wife and was, once again, able to do the Lord's Work in an efficient manner. Praise Jesus who let his wife to die in the hands of the savages to give this man a new hand!
Philippians 4:5
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
Revelation 5:7
And he came and took the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne.
Now, Brethren, a man needs release but only within the Godly heterosexual marriage (1 Corinthians 6:18). I am happy to tell you that this man has become an avid masturbator. He gets release at least once a day, even more often in-between his sermons. And IT IS NOT SIN. The hand he is using is a hand of a WOMAN. It is NOT homosexual. Furthermore, it is the hand of HIS WIFE! It is NOT adultery (Leviticus 20:10). You might raise the objection that the seed is spilled (Genesis 38:9), but it is NOT. Praise Jesus! In fact, the convulsions of this man during the phase of release are so weak that the spurts only travel a very short distance and most of the discharge lands on his wife's hand that is just performing her marital duties. (I know that it is complicated.) By the Grace and Miracle of Jesus, it is possible that the touching of his seed on his wife's now transplanted hand may lead into the miracle of pregnancy and birth, and I am proud to say that this man is trying this most vigorously.
And as the sense of touch in the transplanted hand will remain feeble, he fulfills the promise of Jesus!
Matthew 6:3
But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:
Conclusions: Masturbation includes marital duties performed with a transplanted arm and in this case it is WITHOUT SIN. Jesus sees all this and smiles approvingly and enjoys to watch how one of His chosen ones continues to do His work even after this unfortunate incident. God IS Great!
Yours in Christ,
Elmer
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