A Frank Discussion About $€×

[Witch Hammer]

I have noticed a recent influx of nubile young men on the forums...young men who may have questions better left unanswered about the mechanics of marital copulation...young men who might be horrified, with good reason, about taking a wife and performing the nuptial duties commanded by God upon her...young men who would rather rush headlong into sodomaniacal vice than brave the unforgiving maw of Vagina dentata.

These young men need the guidance of True Christian men who have had years of harrowing experience in the field. They need to learn techniques that minimize the man's pleasure and completely nullify the woman's. They need to realize that two pumps and a roll-over is far too frisky for God's comfort...not to brag, but I can work myself into a froth in less than 3 seconds flat just by thinking of The Savior's sacrifice, without ever laying a hand on myself! Then, with one quick, decisive thrust, the fell deed is done!

I have much advice to offer, and I know that other seasoned TC™ c0¢ksmen have much to teach the class, as well. We're here to help, so fire away!

[Jim Farmer]

Re: A Frank Discussion About $€×

I did the deed once, and that once was enough. She cannot claim the marriage was not consummated. Next time she need inseminating I have made up my mind. I will put my seed into a turkey baster and insert the said turkey baster into her. It will be kept under lock and key, in case she decides she likes it.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: A Frank Discussion About $€×

I did the deed once, and that once was enough. She cannot claim the marriage was not consummated. Next time she need inseminating I have made up my mind. I will put my seed into a turkey baster and insert the said turkey baster into her. It will be kept under lock and key, in case she decides she likes it.

Make certain you hide that key well, brother...as I'm sure you already know, even though women are dumber than rocks, they do possess a shrewd animal cunning and are always getting into mischief...like raccoons.

[Bob]

Re: A Frank Discussion About $€×

I never had sex. For sex you need a girlfriend and so far I have not been able to find a girlfriend. No doubt because I am too smart and I love Jesus too much. Most girls are simple unable to handle a superior Christian.

I almost had a girlfriend last week, but she said I was too condescending. That means that I talk down to people.

[Jim Farmer]

Re: A Frank Discussion About $€×

Bob, sex is not what it is made out to be. As Brother Hammer pointed out, you have to be very careful of those vagina dentata. The damage they can do to your tallywhacker brings a tear to the eye.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: A Frank Discussion About $€×

Bob, sex is not what it is made out to be.

Amen to that Brother! Sex is horrible. It is something we have to suffer through to make soldiers for Christ Jesus. I assure you neither my wife nor myself have ever enjoyed sex.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: A Frank Discussion About $€×

I almost had a girlfriend last week, but she said I was too condescending. That means that I talk down to people.

I hope you gentlemen will excuse me for posting in the men's section, but Bob badly needs help and I really must advise him to avoid women who use words like condescending like it is a bad thing. I looked it up - it's not a word I knew - and the dictionary says it means:

having or showing an attitude of patronizing superiority

So, what is wrong with that in the context of a man speaking to a woman?

[Elmer G. White]

Re: A Frank Discussion About $€×

Brethren,

I've been holding this for too long. I've had my misgivings about asking about these issues as also women can read this, but the burden is so cumbersome that I no longer care...

Isaiah 1:14
Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hateth: they are a trouble unto me; I am weary to bear them.

When is it OK to stop this tiresome duty of marital relations altogether? I have been married more than two decades, we have four children and two female offspring and the next one is due around Christmas. Praise the LORD! That is all OK but the actual act of fornication is messy, ugly, filled with discomfort and pain. And to produce our wonderful children and the female offspring I have performed these acts at least a couple of dozen times. I can do it no longer. Would it be OK to stop at my age (I'm approaching 50)? The sheer physical exertion has taken its toll and I'm not a young man any more. Of course, as expected, my wife is not too happy about our conjugal relations, either. It would be such a relief to concentrate full-time on prayer and spreading the GOSPEL of our Lord. I'm also afraid that most of my children will not have repented not received baptism by the time Rapture takes place and it's Hell to them inevitably.

I know:Genesis 2:24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

I also know that my wife is not a widow (but she'll soon be if this goes on, praise GOD):
Luke 18:5
Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.

Any advice is appreciated once in compatible with the GOOD WORD OF GOD.

Thank you God for everything, now I'm asking to be given this small favor, this small portion of peace.

Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Witch Hammer]

Re: A Frank Discussion About $€×

There is always the Matthew 19:12 contingency, brother. Even though this is a wonderful loophole given us by The Lamb to put an end to compulsory copulation, I am hesitant to recommend it too strongly. Our penises are like merit badges, and set us apart from lesser forms of life, namely women. I sport mine proudly, although I too wish it could just rest on it's laurels!

[JustGotSaved]

Re: A Frank Discussion About $€×

I hope you gentlemen will excuse me for posting in the men's section, but Bob badly needs help and I really must advise him to avoid women who use words like condescending like it is a bad thing. I looked it up - it's not a word I knew - and the dictionary says it means:

having or showing an attitude of patronizing superiority

So, what is wrong with that in the context of a man speaking to a woman?

Miss Joanna, this is man-talk in here. I don't think you should worry your pretty little head about it, ok? Maybe you and Naomi could go compare pies or something.