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  • Spaghetti Monster
    Unsaved trash, atheist bulldyke scum
    • Feb 2010
    • 67
    #1

    I want to stop being a lezbean!

    Help me, Landover!

    I have repented and I want to be a good Christian! I've been an evil lezbean for years but I want to stop now!

    I'm just afraid that the Devil won't let me leave my evil homer past behind. Can Landover or their pastors help me?
    Tags: None
    • eliot mayfield
      God Squad
      True Christian™
      • Sep 2006
      • 9324
      #2
      Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

      Certainly! Just give us more details so we know what we're up against.
      Matthew:
      5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
      5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
      10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
      10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


      sigpic

        Comment

        • Spaghetti Monster
          Unsaved trash, atheist bulldyke scum
          • Feb 2010
          • 67
          #3
          Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

          Originally posted by eliot mayfield View Post
          Certainly! Just give us more details so we know what we're up against.
          What details do you need to know?

          I got started when I was young and I had a boyfriend. He said he wanted to sleep with two women at once. I was confused because I didn't know how he could put one tallywacker in two lady parts at once, but I went along with him. Unfortunately, I liked the girl too much and I dated only girls since then.

          That happened while I was in high school around fifteen years ago. I don't want to be a hell bound sinner anymore now.

            Comment

            • Cranky Old Man
              Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah
              You kids get off his lawn!
               
              • Jan 2010
              • 22368
              #4
              Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

              Originally posted by Spaghetti Monster View Post
              I don't want to be a hell bound sinner anymore now.
              Well, you could start by replacing your avatar by a picture of just you instead of you with your lesbian slut ex girlfriend. And everything else is a matter of reading the entire KJV1611 Holy Bible and doing all it says.
              5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
              To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
              James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                Comment

                • GOD=life
                  WARNING: Do not attempt to debate. You will lose horribly.
                  True Christian™
                  • Jan 2010
                  • 3263
                  #5
                  Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                  Post a picture of yourself with an open KJV 1611 Bible. Then we can take your intentions seriously.
                  I take my orders from Jesus H. Christ, supernatural born US citizen

                  Be wary of false Kumbaya Christians who use a highlighter and scissors to read the Bible. God wants us to read the lines, not between the lines. False Christians will go to Hell:
                  Matthew 7:22                   Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
                  Matthew 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

                  Asking a Christian to prove God exists is like asking him to prove his phone rings because yours doesn't. Make that call yourself! Dial 0800-get-on-your-knees-and-pray.

                    Comment

                    • GOD=life
                      WARNING: Do not attempt to debate. You will lose horribly.
                      True Christian™
                      • Jan 2010
                      • 3263
                      #6
                      Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                      I'm not Onan, sorry.
                      I take my orders from Jesus H. Christ, supernatural born US citizen

                      Be wary of false Kumbaya Christians who use a highlighter and scissors to read the Bible. God wants us to read the lines, not between the lines. False Christians will go to Hell:
                      Matthew 7:22                       Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
                      Matthew 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

                      Asking a Christian to prove God exists is like asking him to prove his phone rings because yours doesn't. Make that call yourself! Dial 0800-get-on-your-knees-and-pray.

                        Comment

                        • Pastor Isaac Peters
                          Senior Pastor
                          Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™
                          Always Biblically correct
                          True Christian™
                          • Sep 2006
                          • 10639
                          #7
                          Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                          Dear friend:

                          It's such a blessing that you wish to repent of your lezbertarianism. You must first repent of whatever idolatry provoked the Lord into making you a homeress:

                          Romans 1:22-27: Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

                          Then you must believe in Our Lord Jesus Christ, be baptized, and set up a tithing schedule. Once you've done all of that, I'm sure we can find you a nice True Christian™ man so you can submit to him and produce new soldiers for Christ.
                          This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

                          Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance

                          sigpic

                            Comment

                            • exMormon
                              True Christian™
                              • Jan 2009
                              • 282
                              #8
                              Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                              "Spaghetti Monster",

                              I was a queer just like you, once, only I am a male. I used to carry about purses and dress in flashy clothes.

                              See, you don't seem to have come to the root issue of why you became a beaner. You have to dig deep down inside and ask yourself, what caused me to even be interested in girls in the first place? The first time you participated in that ungodly act was not the beginning. Did your mother ever teach you how to cook and clean? Did your mother ever teach you about the appropriate role for a woman in our society? See, for me, what caused me to be a homer was that my parents got me an E-Z-Bake oven as a kid (among other reasons). When I got that easy bake oven I got confused about the natural order of things and I started to believe that men were supposed to cook and clean, but that is not what GOD said.

                              So I went on sinning against God until he finally got fed up and sent some of his soldiers to help me along with my salvation.

                              You've got to dig down deep and find out what caused all this. At Landover's Creation Science Division they have found that in MOST cases that women become beaners because their mothers never taught them to cook or clean. I'm not sure what it is with you, though.

                                Comment

                                • Grandmother Wilson
                                  Forum Member
                                  Forum Member
                                  • Apr 2010
                                  • 16
                                  #9
                                  Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                                  Sweet Lord Jesus,

                                  Please help out this lost soul, for she has repented and wants to be a Christian. For You hate filthy faggots and lezbarians, and it is Your Will that they be killed!

                                  Please forgive her for being not very smart; she is raised by liberals, and you know how wicked these evildoers are, for they disregard Your Laws, which You gave to mankind!

                                  In Jesus' Name,

                                  Amen.
                                  Pray without ceasing.
                                  In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18)

                                    Comment

                                    • coloradobrianna
                                      Unsaved trash
                                      Under Investigation
                                      • Apr 2010
                                      • 4
                                      #10
                                      Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                                      YOU JUDGMENTAL FAGGOTS! YOU LIKE VAGINA?! THEN GET VAGINA!!!!

                                        Comment

                                        • Pastor Isaac Peters
                                          Senior Pastor
                                          Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™
                                          Always Biblically correct
                                          True Christian™
                                          • Sep 2006
                                          • 10639
                                          #11
                                          Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                                          Originally posted by coloradobrianna View Post
                                          YOU JUDGMENTAL FAGGOTS! YOU LIKE VAGINA?! THEN GET VAGINA!!!!
                                          Dear friend:

                                          A poor lost lamb has asked us for help, and we are giving it to her. Where's your Christian love?
                                          This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

                                          Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance

                                          sigpic

                                            Comment

                                            • Lizzy b
                                              Forum Member
                                              Forum Member
                                              • Oct 2009
                                              • 51
                                              #12
                                              Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                                              Originally posted by coloradobrianna View Post
                                              YOU JUDGMENTAL FAGGOTS! YOU LIKE VAGINA?! THEN GET VAGINA!!!!

                                              There's no need to shout is there.

                                              The girl wants to repent and change her ways. So please help by not being insulting and negative.
                                              The wicked flee when no man pursueth, but the righteous are bold as a lion.

                                                Comment

                                                • Einsatzgruppen
                                                  Unsaved trash
                                                  • Apr 2010
                                                  • 4
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                                                  Dear poor lost Friend,

                                                  I am a young soul that likes girls and guys.
                                                  I love having a threesome with a guy and a girl.. the guy *****' my ****** while I go down on the girl. Hmmm. Best *** I EVAR had!!
                                                  So.. I do not think you should change who you are.. if you like girls. ***** it. Eat as much ***** you can.. and ***** the rest that think you will go to hell for it. Just say **** it! Live your life for who you ARE! Not for someone that "they" want you to be.
                                                  And yes, I'll be in the person you see on the streets, that is not afraid to hold my girlfriends hand, and DRESS LIKE A GOTH! I am **, and I am proud of it!!!
                                                  You crazy people think I'm a devil's child, and so on bs like that. ************ devil child.. I am a ***** human being that believes that you should live your life for who you want to be, and want you want, and have. I'm gonna have a very ***** happy life, unlike you sad ***** that will die miserable!
                                                  Last edited by Talitha; 04-24-2010, 11:12 AM. Reason: ****Blasphemy deleted

                                                    Comment

                                                    • amymareexx
                                                      Unsaved trash, teenaged jap wannabee
                                                      • Apr 2010
                                                      • 76
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                                                      But girls, girls know what other girls want!
                                                      Live deliberate - Christopher Gutierrez

                                                      Lol'ing like an idiot.

                                                        Comment

                                                        • Felicity
                                                          As pure and virginal as the driven snow.
                                                          True Christian™
                                                          • Apr 2010
                                                          • 4834
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: I want to stop being a lezbean!

                                                          @amymareexx Girls want the same as boys. To lead a nice and decent life and to go to Heaven! #John 14:1-4
                                                          I Jesus!

                                                            Comment

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