Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

[Bob4God]

The 6th Circuit Court of Appeals is currently hearing arguments for and against gay marriage from 4 states simultaneously, and the good Christian lawyers fighting against this ultimate perversion now face a seemingly impossible challenge: thinking up a secular reason why gays shouldn't get married that won't get them laughed out of the court room.

Apparently they aren't allowed to use religious arguments because of some nonsense about the First Amendment or something. But that's okay! There are plenty of secular reasons why the government would have a vested interest in stopping gay marriage, and we are going to list them here and forward the best arguments to the lawyers representing the cause of traditional marriage in the courts, so they don't get embarrassed like they did in front of the Supreme Court last year.

To summarize, posted arguments must be non-religious and serve a legitimate societal or government interest.

I'll start.

Secular Reason Number 1: Gay marriage is a controversial and new idea that will cause an increase in stress and heart attacks amongst conservatives who cannot bear the outrage any longer. There is also potential for an increase in auto accidents as motorists gawk at same-sex couples in their "just married" car.

2. Divorce courts will be swamped with same-sex couples who want to end their marriages after only two months, due to the inability of homosexuals to maintain stable and loving relationships.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

Secular reason number 3:

Secular health care cannot deal with homermarriage. As homer intercourse becomes more and more popular with 'marriage', the incidence of the sickness called 'gay bowel syndrome' will increase in a geometric series, i.e., exponentially. And with the Ubamacare, the nature and causes of the wealth of the nation will be undermined.

Bankcruptcy.

(Ladies are not supposed to look at the link)


Yours, secularly,

Elmer

PS: I find it very hard not to seek Scriptural advice and I really do not wish to do this again. Still, I understand that also secular strategies are required to fight this terrible plague. Thank you!

[Attila's Wife]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

This does feel like a very strange and unnecessary thing to do. However....

Secular Reason No. 4:

Permitting same-sex marriage is a form of cultural endorsement of homersexuality. This will lead to children thinking it is okay, even encouraged, and thus more children will grow up to be gaywise.

This will exacerbate the problems already listed in Secular Reasons 1, 2 and 3.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

Secular Reason 5: Paperwork. The burden of changing all the legal documents to reflect a perverted marriage is time and money intensive. We should be using our resources to keep out those immigrant kids who just want to steal jobs and rape women.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

Secular Reason 6: We conservatives understand that rights are a zero-sum game. It follows that giving "rights" to queers necessarily comes at the expense of rights for normal people.

Secular Reason 7: Same-sex "marriage" harms a country's economy. Spain and Portugal recognized it and are now economic basket cases.

Secular Reason 8: As Bishop Harry Jackson (a clean and articulate Negro who is a credit to his race) has pointed out, there is a causal link from recognition of same-sex "marriage" in parts of the country in recent years to the breakdown of the African-American family across the nation since the sixties.

[Attila's Wife]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

Secular Reason 9:

It encourages married men to have sex changes and become lesbians, in the knowledge that they can still remain married to their wives and thus avoid costly divorce settlements. This is both expensive in terms of public health care expenditure and bad for lawyers' fees (and thus anti-Simetic).

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

Secular Reason 7: Same-sex "marriage" harms a country's economy. Spain and Portugal recognized it and are now economic basket cases.

Pastor, I wonder if this is because lesbianism promotes feminism, and feminism is just a modern day word for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. People can't work if they can't follow directions.

[Marko Loimaan-Aho]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

Secular reason 10: It is clear, that children who are raised in homer families, are grown to be homers, vegetarians, liberals and pacifists.

Soon there is not enough real men to serve in military.

Communists takes over the world (which actually is homers long term goal)

[Attila's Wife]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

Pastor, I wonder if this is because lesbianism promotes feminism, and feminism is just a modern day word for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. People can't work if they can't follow directions.

Sister, this is an excellent observation and leads me to propose Secular Reason 11:

Even social "scientists" admit that there are reasons for men and women to play very different roles within the family unit. If you have 2 men or 2 women, who decides which one goes out to work and which one acts as home-maker?

Which leads on to Secular Reason 12:

In all civilized countries (and most primitive ones too) men earn more than women. The result of same-sex marriage would be that the male couples would be substantially richer than the female ones. Secularists would find this unacceptable. Their only solution would be to equalize male and female pay. BUT:

1. If they raise female earnings to male levels, this would have an extremely negative impact on corporate profits.

2. If they lower male earnings to female levels, this would have an adverse effect on retailers (and thus on corporate profits).

There seems to be no third way.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

NUMBER 13: It is unfair, ergo unsafe, to less fortunate children whose parents don't love them enough to home school them. With this rejection comes peer pressure and unsafe practices.
With peer pressure comes cell phones, video games, the flamboyant clothes, salon hair dos and finally their giving in to the gay death style!
Stop this, you have that power............ for the children!

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

Number 14:

(I'm not very good at "secular speak" so can someone please clean this up before it is submitted to Congress?)

Gay "marriage" will lead to an overcrowding of mental facilities, and even homicide.

The Avowed Homosexual primarily only sees other gays in dim lighting, as it prowls from bar to bar in search of sexual violation and gratification. The loud disco music also keeps them from speaking with, and therefor truly knowing, the fellow deviants.

But in the 24/7 cold-light-of-day environment of domesticated marriage, the gay will be unceasingly confronted with homosexuality face-to-face. The annoying characteristics of the HomoGay will be constantly thrust-in-his-face: The gossiping, the shrill laughter, the endless prancing in high heels that sounds like a team of reindeer on a roof.

All this, combined with sleep deprivation, will cause one partner to kill the other within a matter of days....then the resulting horror and guilt at/from killing his own mirror-image will send the survivor to the nuthouse.

The massive number of these inevitable murder trials will clog the legal system (RUN ON PUBLIC FUNDS, MIND YOU!) and the asylum bills will Also be sent to Joe-the-Plumber/Taxpayer.

I do not think this is fair.

[Attila's Wife]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

But in the 24/7 cold-light-of-day environment of domestic marriage, the gay will be unceasingly confronted with homosexuality face-to-face. The annoying characteristics of the HomoGay will be constantly thrust-in-his-face: The gossiping, the shrill laughter, the endless prancing in high heels that sounds like a team of reindeer on a roof.

And in the case of the women gays, in addition to the coarse jokes and gruff, pseudo-masculine tones there will be the economic issue of fashion. I believe dungarees are mostly imported from China, to the detriment of the American garment trade.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

15:

Foreign relations.

The friendly nation of Russia and her leader, Mr. Putin, are effectively getting rid of all homertrash, they have absolutely no talk on "gay marriage" and have strict laws against homerpropagation.

Any move towards "gay marriage" in America will result in difficulties regarding the probably friendliest foreign nation on earth.


Yours secularly,

Elmer

PS: I still think this is VERY difficult without referring to some VERY RELEVANT VERSES, but I know the spiritual defense of real marriage can take place elsewhere.

[Prayer Warrior]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Secular Arguments Against Gay Marriage: Let's Make History

Who would have thunk it....Butt sex causes global warming!