Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

[Ariel Adams]

Hello brothers and sisters, I would like to introduce myself to your lovely community of God-fearing folk.

My name is Ariel, and today is a wondrous day for me indeed! It is my eighteenth birthday, and as a gift my father has granted me supervised access to the internet; strengthening my journey towards salvation! Upon dialing up to this strange virtual world, my father has instructed me to visit this specific community to interact with other Baptists! I can't express how much this excites me!

It can get quite lonely out here in the Catskill Mountains of New York, for when we do come across other folk they're usually terrifyingly violent hippies who despise the LORD. Thus, we have to be quite careful here in the woods. Don't worry though, like any real man who lives off the land my father keeps us safe with his rifles!

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Welcome dear child.
Has your father arranged for a husband for you yet? Every month you sacrifice a little baby to Jesus until you get a husband.
And tell us, what is your favourite verse from the Bible?

[Ariel Adams]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Welcome dear child.
Has your father arranged for a husband for you yet? Every month you sacrifice a little baby to Jesus until you get a husband.
And tell us, what is your favourite verse from the Bible?

Thank you for your warm welcoming!

Now that I am of age, my father has actively begun seeking out potential suitors. He initially wished to began his search when I was of the tender age of 16 however in New York that is quite illegal, and Titus 3:1 recommends otherwise.

As for my favorite verse, what a pressuring question indeed! Perhaps Genesis 9:3 - "Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things." This verse has always inspired my father and I to hunt and live off the land, enjoying the fruitful land God is actively offering to us.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

There are said to be many Jews in the Catskills. Are they menacing?

[Ariel Adams]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

There are said to be many Jews in the Catskills. Are they menacing?

The majority of the Jewish population here stay at summer resorts that are gated off and menacing, quite ominous indeed.

My father once told me he nearly shot a Hasidic with his rifle. He was tracking a bear and the Jew's furriness and stink momentarily deceived him into thinking it was a wild animal!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Are you sure you're not a jewess? Because you've got that kike nose going for you...

What church does your father take you to? And why aren't you married off yet?

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[Ariel Adams]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Are you sure you're not a jewess? Because you've got that kike nose going for you...

What church does your father take you to? And why aren't you married off yet?

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

My rather large nose has always been a source of displeasure amongst men, sadly. Perhaps that is why my father's search for a suitor has thus far been unfruitful. However, my family's blood is purely Caucasian, I can assure you that much, Pastor! I ask you not to allow my close proximity to those who slew Jesus to tarnish your opinion of me, though a great demand indeed.

I currently attend Riverview Baptist Church in Kingston, New York.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Hello dear, and welcome to our friendly forum! I wouldn't let your Hebrew looking nose get you down. You seem like a decent, kind, and God Fearing young lady in any case! I'm sorry to hear your father didn't make arrangements four years ago for you, well within the legal constructs of your state, but perhaps the LORD will forgive you for denying Him four years of children. Who knows, He may give you four sets of twins to make up for it! How delightful would that be! If you have any questions about homeschooling your children, we're here to help. We do all things for the Glory of God here.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Eighteen, you say? My, my, my, such a splendid age to be. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, I'm sorry, I just got momentarily lost in thought.

Where were we?

Oh yes, welcome to our friendly forum!

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Welcome! I am almost your age, a few months younger, and I am just married. Praise the Lord! Welcome, and I'll be happy to be of acquaintance with you. I'll be happy to help you, and if you need an older woman's guidance, I can kindly refer you to one of the lovely women on the sight (Naomi Ruth Lamb and Basilissa come to mind).

Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Ariel,

Allow me to welcome you to the forum. I send greetings to your father in the Name of Jesus. Please let your father know that I am praying against your nose and have been pleading the Blood of Jesus over it - so you should see some noticeable cosmetic improvements shortly. I do hope so, and believe it will happen since our Bible tells us to only ask, and we will receive! Praise!

As an unmarried, attractive, strong, masculine man that lives in your state, it would be my pleasure to seek your father's permission to court you. Of course, our first meeting would need to be in your father's presence and I would expect you to practice your cooking skills in order to give me a proper means to judge your worthiness for marriage. I am sure when the LORD led you here, you didn't expect to find a catch like me. Of course, wooing and courting and marriage are three separate and distinct categorizations of the maritable processations.

My heart is true to the teachings of our Savior, and my intentions are those of a Godly man. And I don't like perfume, so don't wear any if your father says we can meet. I must, of course, wait until the inclement weather subsides. God blessed me with a powerful Toyota Tercel, but I do not want to squander His gift by my pride in its amazing capabilities.

COME, Lord Jesus!
BrotherLarry

PS: Keep me updated about the nose, because it does remind me of Sarah Blandenstein, the joo that lives on the 8th floor of my building. Her father is a mohel, so she often smells of foreskin. I couldn't abide that in a wife.

[Ariel Adams]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Ariel,

Allow me to welcome you to the forum. I send greetings to your father in the Name of Jesus. Please let your father know that I am praying against your nose and have been pleading the Blood of Jesus over it - so you should see some noticeable cosmetic improvements shortly. I do hope so, and believe it will happen since our Bible tells us to only ask, and we will receive! Praise!

As an unmarried, attractive, strong, masculine man that lives in your state, it would be my pleasure to seek your father's permission to court you. Of course, our first meeting would need to be in your father's presence and I would expect you to practice your cooking skills in order to give me a proper means to judge your worthiness for marriage. I am sure when the LORD led you here, you didn't expect to find a catch like me. Of course, wooing and courting and marriage are three separate and distinct categorizations of the maritable processations.

My heart is true to the teachings of our Savior, and my intentions are those of a Godly man. And I don't like perfume, so don't wear any if your father says we can meet. I must, of course, wait until the inclement weather subsides. God blessed me with a powerful Toyota Tercel, but I do not want to squander His gift by my pride in its amazing capabilities.

COME, Lord Jesus!
BrotherLarry

PS: Keep me updated about the nose, because it does remind me of Sarah Blandenstein, the joo that lives on the 8th floor of my building. Her father is a mohel, so she often smells of foreskin. I couldn't abide that in a wife.

Brother Larry, you have me blushing . Naturally, before responding to your comment I consulted my father of your proposition. I'm sorry to say but his face turned redder than a beet due to your .. location. I myself have never visited the big city, but my father has recounted all too many tales about its decadence. I have heard it is the capital of homosexual tolerance, where Wall Street executives openly practice pedophilia in the streets!

All this is by my father's account, mind you, and I honor his word. I would hate to have my eyes savagely torn out and eaten by ravens and eagles! Proverbs 30:17

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Greetings Landover Baptist Church!

Brother Larry, you have me blushing . Naturally, before responding to your comment I consulted my father of your proposition. I'm sorry to say but his face turned redder than a beet due to your .. location. I myself have never visited the big city, but my father has recounted all too many tales about its decadence. I have heard it is the capital of homosexual tolerance, where Wall Street executives openly practice pedophilia in the streets!

All this is by my father's account, mind you, and I honor his word. I would hate to have my eyes savagely torn out and eaten by ravens and eagles! Proverbs 30:17

Good girl; obeying your father, despite your inner desire to find a husband. Brother Larry, I am so sorry, I'm sure you will find a lovely godly lady soon. Do not despair! The Lord is with you!