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  • #1

    Hello, my name is Ronald.

    I'm new to this religion thing. I've spent most of my life committing various sins, sodomy being my main vice.

    I've left this behind and am now a man of the cloth who worships OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR, JESUS CHRIST.


    My favourite verse from the bible is as follows-


    'He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD'


    Can you give me any advice as how to proceed?


    Yours in Christ,


    Ronald.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Hello, my name is Ronald.

    Originally posted by RonaldSwanson View Post
    I'm new to this religion thing. I've spent most of my life committing various sins, sodomy being my main vice.

    I've left this behind and am now a man of the cloth who worships OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR, JESUS CHRIST.


    My favourite verse from the bible is as follows-


    'He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD'


    Can you give me any advice as how to proceed?


    Yours in Christ,


    Ronald.

    Welcome, Ronald. My advice to you is a) read the Bible, and b) do not get your privy member cut off.


    YIC
    Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Hello, my name is Ronald.

      You've been about as much help as a chocolate tea pot, my friend.

      I'm becoming overwhelmed with Christ. I need guidance.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Hello, my name is Ronald.

        "Read the Bible" is the best advice you could ever get in your entire life. It's the difference between burning in Hell for all eternity and Heaven. It's unfortunate that instead of thanking Brother Des for the best advice you ever got, you started whining about chocolate teapots.

        Now follow the advice. Read the entire Bible and report back here when you have done that!

        Some inspiring scripture to get you started:

        James 2:10
        For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.

        This scripture teaches us God hates shortcuts and laziness. Only following 99.999% of the Bible is not enough and will end in eternal damnation. God demands 100%!
        5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
        To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
        James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Hello, my name is Ronald.

          Welcome Ronald. Do you mind if I call you Ron? Thanks so much!

          Well Ronny, to be a Christian, you must have a close and deep personal relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ. As you may imagine in Christianity, God has a lot of sheep and he really does not have the time to spend with and on each and every one of us. He is a 'Big Picture' sort of Almighty Being'. So His disciples and close confidants (Like Pastor Ezekiel) keep Him abreast of the key metrics. You goal is to be on the 'Good Parishioner' list and as high up on it as you can. The simple way to achieve this is by giving your sweat to Him. Dollars work best as they are easy to count. After all, a dollar from you is nearly the same thing as a dollar from me, right?
          So give to Jesus unselfishly. Never think you have given enough, only how could you give more.
          Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
          Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
          Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
          Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
          Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
          Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Hello, my name is Ronald.

            Originally posted by RonaldSwanson View Post
            I've spent most of my life committing various sins, sodomy being my main vice.
            Well that's quite a confession, friend, but you're being very vague.

            For example, in many states, under current sodomy laws, you might be guilty of sodomy if you did anything from bum-juggering a fresh-faced, clean-limbed teenaged boy to having oral sex with your wife.

            Who (or what) did you sodomize, and exactly what kind of sodomy did you subject your victims to?

            Please be as detailed as possible. You can't shock us, and we won't be able to help you unless we know just how bad your behavior got.
            WARNING:
            In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
            REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

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