[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

You're thinking short-term. "Nice" things won't protect you from Jesus' wrath should you refuse to love Him.

I hope he doesn't expect me to love him in a homosexualist kind of way.
I'd find that as bad as what was expected of me in my dream with that evil-eyed goat.

Not as worried as you'll be the moment after you draw your last breath, the moment you meet Jesus face to face, the moment you realize Eternity starts right then!

Do the clocks in heaven run really really slowly so as to stretch out eternity and make it seem as though it's going on forever, like waiting at an airport when every flight's been cancelled, or do they run very very fast, so it passes quicker, or are they stopped?
In fact...does the Bible even mention clocks. (Revelation must do, surely?)

Um, because in addition to stinky breath and deadly bodily miasma...

I think you should know I gargle quite frequently with Listerine and I had a full-body wash only last June. (It's cold in Yorkshire, and too-frequent full-body washes aren't recommended, though Gays are excepted, for some reason).

I wouldn't waste a drop of my own spit to alleviate your suffering, knowing you'd take that drop of spit and ferment it into some disgusting cheese-like product,

If your spit can be fermented into some disgusting cheese-like product then it's not like any spit I've ever encountered - but perhaps that's what Heaven does for a person?

.,.. you won't even remember the cheese thing, as we'll all have total amnesia (Isaiah 65:17)!

Amnesia? I've had that from time to time, most recently when Mrs Roast Beef found out there's another Mrs Roast Beef I was still married to. But water-under-the-bridge, as they say.

What's a night spent in reckless passion compared to an eternity of feeling nothing but joy?

Perhaps that eternity of feeling nothing but joy might be interspersed by an occasional night spent in reckless passion. I'd think the Bible has something to offer on those lines. Revelation seems to have something to say about most things - I'm certain there's a reference to some such hidden in there somewhere.
Bound to be.

[Basilissa]

Re: Request for Help

If I'm missing something in these Books of God's Holy Word, can you direct me to the more interesting passages in them?
All I've seen so far are instructions on how to make a sin offering and such.

Gosh, aren't you a lazy kid! If you did your job and read the Bible already instead of making whiny excuses, you'd know that God hates lazy people (2 Thessalonians 3:10, 1Timothy 5:8, Proverbs 21:25, etc, etc).

I hope you'll repent for your laziness. Nevertheless, since I am a shining example not only of modesty but also of patience towards the retarded, here is an advice for you: why don't you start reading some of the sermons listed in my signature? They often cite some of the best genocide stories of the Holy Bible!


I hope that was helpful, sweetie.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Request for Help

Things might not be necessary for them to be nice.

You're thinking short-term. "Nice" things won't protect you from Jesus' wrath should you refuse to love Him.

I'm starting to get worried now.

Not as worried as you'll be the moment after you draw your last breath, the moment you meet Jesus face to face, the moment you realize Eternity starts right then!

How can anything be better than a wedge of ripe Stilton cheese and a draught of Shepherd and Neame Double Stout from England's oldest brewery? Or a wee dram of Bruichladdich from the Western isle of Islay?

Um, because in addition to stinky breath and deadly bodily miasma, your fermented milk products will also come with an eternity of torment and pain. You'll be roasting alive for all eternity in the Fiery Pits of Hell, begging for a drop of water to cool your parched mouth. We'll be watching from our comfortable place in Heaven, laughing with the Savior (Psalm 2:4). You'll plead for mercy and will receive none. I wouldn't waste a drop of my own spit to alleviate your suffering, knowing you'd take that drop of spit and ferment it into some disgusting cheese-like product, the likes of which would make Velveeta look good, and then throw it into the eye of an unborn baby just to spite the Redeemer who Sacrificed His Life temporarily for you to have the opportunity to pay eternal homage to Him.

I hope I shan't be expected to sing hymns of praise all the time!

Don't be silly. True Christians™ will get to rule the earth (Revelation 5:10), starting with judging the very angels themselves (1 Corinthians 6:2-3)! If that doesn't float your boat, you might enjoy exploring the new laws of physics that will be in operation, as we'll enjoy a new heat source (Revelation 7:16) and new light source in God, not the sun (Revelation 21:23). Besides, you won't even remember the cheese thing, as we'll all have total amnesia (Isaiah 65:17)! This means we get to start over! Can you imagine! All the things in life you wish you could have done differently, all your regrets, mistakes, embarrassments, and shameful behavior will be forgotten. You'll get to be a new person and no one can take advantage of you or tell you what to do or think or feel, and you'll be happy to worship Jesus all the time. You'll find it completely joyful (Romans 14:17)!

(That goat mightn't be so bad after all, I'm thinking...)

What's a night spent in reckless passion compared to an eternity of feeling nothing but joy?

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Never skip any of the Bible, and learn to memorize all of it. I live out the entire Bible, even if I don't understand exactly why (I'm a woman) but I know it's good for my soul and that's what Jesus wants me to do, which I must do if I am to go to heaven.

After some of the things I've reads from other posters here, I'm beginning to have seconds thoughts about the Heaven deal.
What do you suppose will be so wonderful about it?


(I'm feel I need some encouragement).

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Sweetie, Numbers and Deuteronomy are where some of the best action is! Don't you just love to hear about all of the babies with their heads being smashed on the rocks and about all the pregnant women with their bellies ripped open?!


Also, that part about God loving everyone, that's not actually in the Bible (He certainly doesn't love these babies and women mentioned before, does He?).

If I'm missing something in these Books of God's Holy Word, can you direct me to the more interesting passages in them?
All I've seen so far are instructions on how to make a sin offering and such.

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

My name is of no consequence. In Heaven, Jesus will give me a new one (Revelation 2:17) and I can't wait for the time when my name no longer invokes memories of the young slut who whelped out the Living God (Matthew 1:18)!


The Good News means Trixie will no longer be a concern for you, for carnal meetings will pale in comparison to the treasures in Heaven! Even the most aggressively powerful burst of manliness inside your wife will feel like doing routine chores in comparison to the "high" you'll get knowing the real joy is in filling her womb with more soldiers for Christ! Things like physical pleasure will be naught but a memory, and the real euphoria will come from the anticipation of an eternal life that cannot be measured with words on this side of Heaven!

Oh you will be so profoundly blessed to work for a time when there is no man or woman (Matthew 22:30), and things like physical coupling is no more necessary than food or drink, which will no longer be necessary (Romans 14:17)! These will be but mere blips in your memory, a distraction from enjoying the real joy - Divine Intimacy with Jesus (not in a homo way)!

Things might not be necessary for them to be nice.
I'm starting to get worried now.
How can anything be better than a wedge of ripe Stilton cheese and a draught of Shepherd and Neame Double Stout from England's oldest brewery? Or a wee dram of Bruichladdich from the Western isle of Islay?
I hope I shan't be expected to sing hymns of praise all the time!


(That goat mightn't be so bad after all, I'm thinking...)

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Request for Help

I'm allowed to skip bits?


Are you sure God won't mind?

Never skip any of the Bible, and learn to memorize all of it. I live out the entire Bible, even if I don't understand exactly why (I'm a woman) but I know it's good for my soul and that's what Jesus wants me to do, which I must do if I am to go to heaven.

[Basilissa]

Re: Request for Help

You mean I don't have to wade through all of Leviticus and Numbers (!) and most of Deuteronomy before I get to the bits about God being our loving father who can't wait to have us abiding with him in Heaven for all of eternity?

Sweetie, Numbers and Deuteronomy are where some of the best action is! Don't you just love to hear about all of the babies with their heads being smashed on the rocks and about all the pregnant women with their bellies ripped open?!


Also, that part about God loving everyone, that's not actually in the Bible (He certainly doesn't love these babies and women mentioned before, does He?).

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Request for Help

You do have a very fine name - are you of Anglo-Saxon parentage?

My name is of no consequence. In Heaven, Jesus will give me a new one (Revelation 2:17) and I can't wait for the time when my name no longer invokes memories of the young slut who whelped out the Living God (Matthew 1:18)!

I do have one question, dear lady: does the Good News mean I'm allowed to keep Trixie, my superbly crafted and very expensive Any-Three-Ways-You Like "One Hundred Per Cent Safe, Always Ready, and Washable Alternative to Adultery."

The Good News means Trixie will no longer be a concern for you, for carnal meetings will pale in comparison to the treasures in Heaven! Even the most aggressively powerful burst of manliness inside your wife will feel like doing routine chores in comparison to the "high" you'll get knowing the real joy is in filling her womb with more soldiers for Christ! Things like physical pleasure will be naught but a memory, and the real euphoria will come from the anticipation of an eternal life that cannot be measured with words on this side of Heaven!

Oh you will be so profoundly blessed to work for a time when there is no man or woman (Matthew 22:30), and things like physical coupling is no more necessary than food or drink, which will no longer be necessary (Romans 14:17)! These will be but mere blips in your memory, a distraction from enjoying the real joy - Divine Intimacy with Jesus (not in a homo way)!

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Hello Mr. Beef, and welcome to our friendly forums! The answer to your question is very simple. You see, a grateful heart is a happy heart, and that means you need to first understand what a foul, disgusting, offensive individual you are.

You might try this little mind experiment. Think of someone or something that offends you so very much that you would rather gouge your own dirty fingernails deep into your retinas in hopes you may never set your eyes on this thing. Take note of your emotion. Add to this the feeling you get when you vomit. Imagine being stuck in a room with the vomit of a dozen fifth graders. Imagine that smell and add this emotion to the first one. Imagine how you might feel if you were to learn that every day for the rest of your life, you would have to wade through a room full of fifth graders, aggressively hurling up school-lunch spaghetti-o's just to get to the corner where the someone or something that offends you is located. Imagine you are stuck with that person or thing for 20 hours straight. Imagine you must do this every day for eternity.

This is how Jesus thinks of you. He is so repulsed by you that He refuses even to listen to your prayers! No wonder when you feel so lost! He hates you and is ignoring you! When you die and face eternal damnation, He will laugh at you (Psalm 2:4), and why shouldn't he? You will have asked for it.

But....

There is Good News!

Jesus deigned to offer His Divine Immortal Life up for three whole days for you to have the opportunity to be forgiven if you only apologize, and believe in what the Holy Bible says about Jesus (Romans 10:9)! Is that not the greatest treasure anyone could find?!?

Gratitude, my dear friend, begets the happiness you seek! You will stop thinking about your own, trivial questions and curiosities, and want nothing less than to devote the rest of your life serving the King of Kings! You won't find anything else so worth your time! You'll find all the answers you're looking for and more, Jesus promises you that (Matthew 7:7)!

You do have a very fine name - are you of Anglo-Saxon parentage?


I do have one question, dear lady: does the Good News mean I'm allowed to keep Trixie, my superbly crafted and very expensive Any-Three-Ways-You Like "One Hundred Per Cent Safe, Always Ready, and Washable Alternative to Adultery."

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Request for Help

What must I do to repent for my unworthy thoughts regarding God and how can I grow to love him?

Hello Mr. Beef, and welcome to our friendly forums! The answer to your question is very simple. You see, a grateful heart is a happy heart, and that means you need to first understand what a foul, disgusting, offensive individual you are.

You might try this little mind experiment. Think of someone or something that offends you so very much that you would rather gouge your own dirty fingernails deep into your retinas in hopes you may never set your eyes on this thing. Take note of your emotion. Add to this the feeling you get when you vomit. Imagine being stuck in a room with the vomit of a dozen fifth graders. Imagine that smell and add this emotion to the first one. Imagine how you might feel if you were to learn that every day for the rest of your life, you would have to wade through a room full of fifth graders, aggressively hurling up school-lunch spaghetti-o's just to get to the corner where the someone or something that offends you is located. Imagine you are stuck with that person or thing for 20 hours straight. Imagine you must do this every day for eternity.

This is how Jesus thinks of you. He is so repulsed by you that He refuses even to listen to your prayers! No wonder when you feel so lost! He hates you and is ignoring you! When you die and face eternal damnation, He will laugh at you (Psalm 2:4), and why shouldn't he? You will have asked for it.

But....

There is Good News!

Jesus deigned to offer His Divine Immortal Life up for three whole days for you to have the opportunity to be forgiven if you only apologize, and believe in what the Holy Bible says about Jesus (Romans 10:9)! Is that not the greatest treasure anyone could find?!?

Gratitude, my dear friend, begets the happiness you seek! You will stop thinking about your own, trivial questions and curiosities, and want nothing less than to devote the rest of your life serving the King of Kings! You won't find anything else so worth your time! You'll find all the answers you're looking for and more, Jesus promises you that (Matthew 7:7)!

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

I gather, then, that you haven't even started reading yet, because apparently you haven't got yet to all of the God approved genocides, you can call these uplifting stories many things, but definitely not boring!


Happy reading!

I'm allowed to skip bits?


Are you sure God won't mind?

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

I gather, then, that you haven't even started reading yet, because apparently you haven't got yet to all of the God approved genocides, you can call these uplifting stories many things, but definitely not boring!


Happy reading!

You mean I don't have to wade through all of Leviticus and Numbers (!) and most of Deuteronomy before I get to the bits about God being our loving father who can't wait to have us abiding with him in Heaven for all of eternity?

[Didymus Much]

Re: Request for Help

I gather, then, that you haven't even started reading yet, because apparently you haven't got yet to all of the God approved genocides...

Or my all-time favourite verse (I'm sure Basilissa knows what it is), which appears not far in at all. You haven't come here screaming, "The Bible actually says that?! "

[Basilissa]

Re: Request for Help

Anyway, everything I've read so far I've found to be either completely unbelievable or extremely boring.

I gather, then, that you haven't even started reading yet, because apparently you haven't got yet to all of the God approved genocides, you can call these uplifting stories many things, but definitely not boring!


Happy reading!