[Alvin Moss]

Re: Request for Help

I am SAVED!
and I was able to do this after just three sessions with the wonderful Mr Herbert Penfold, the gifted hypnotherapist

Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.-Leviticus 19:31


You are a false Christian and in thrall to Satan. As for now, your soul is forfeit. Get right with Jesus or prepare for the fires of Hell.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Request for Help

I have excellent news for the goodly folk of Landover Baptist Church whose advice I have followed to the letter.
I am SAVED!
I have indeed read the Bible (yes, the KJ version) from Genesis Ch. 1 Vs. 1 all the way through to Revelation Ch.22 Vs.21 and the wonderful final words "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Amen."
Not only did I read all the Bible - but I believe every word to be the Word of God, and I was able to do this after just three sessions with the wonderful Mr Herbert Penfold, the gifted hypnotherapist (who I have yet to complete my payments to - being wonderful he does charge a lot, and worth every penny!)
The reason I know I'm saved is because I've had another dream!
Yes, dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ, I dreamed once again that I'd died, but this time, instead of finding myself in Hell and being
expected to have intimate sexual relations with an evil-eyed goat, I was in Heaven - and in the loving arms of our Lord!
(I thought the kissing a bit odd and was puzzled as to why he insisted I take all my clothes off, but other than that I cannot complain).
So, my new life begins - and all thanks to YOU!

Well friend, that must be very encouraging for you! But please don't be duped by a dream. Last night I had a dream my dogs were giant spiders who lived on the ceiling. They walked upside down and glared at us from time to time, then ran to the corners to catch mice and rats. I can guarantee you there are no such vermin in the Etheldreda house.

The Department of Faith will no doubt look into your claims, and if your labors bear good fruit (Matthew 7:17), then we can know you haven't fooled yourself with wishful thinking (Jeremiah 17:9). This isn't magic you know. You can't just *poof* Salvation. You have to sincerely believe that Jesus was born of a virgin (Matthew 1:23), died (Matthew 27:50), got better (Acts 2:24), floated up through the clouds (Acts 1:9), through the atmosphere, into deep space where He sits next to Himself on a throne (Mark 16:19) that overlooks and judges everything we do and think, and don't do and fail to think (Jeremiah 17:10).

My God Bless you in this journey!

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

I have excellent news for the goodly folk of Landover Baptist Church whose advice I have followed to the letter.
I am SAVED!
I have indeed read the Bible (yes, the KJ version) from Genesis Ch. 1 Vs. 1 all the way through to Revelation Ch.22 Vs.21 and the wonderful final words "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Amen."
Not only did I read all the Bible - but I believe every word to be the Word of God, and I was able to do this after just three sessions with the wonderful Mr Herbert Penfold, the gifted hypnotherapist (who I have yet to complete my payments to - being wonderful he does charge a lot, and worth every penny!)
The reason I know I'm saved is because I've had another dream!
Yes, dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ, I dreamed once again that I'd died, but this time, instead of finding myself in Hell and being
expected to have intimate sexual relations with an evil-eyed goat, I was in Heaven - and in the loving arms of our Lord!
(I thought the kissing a bit odd and was puzzled as to why he insisted I take all my clothes off, but other than that I cannot complain).
So, my new life begins - and all thanks to YOU!

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Request for Help

I am, therefore, very determined to do that - and if it means smiting that pair of Jehovah Witnesses who I see hanging around my locality, I'm up for it!

It doesn't mean smiting anyone, as that is not your calling. If you wish to rebuke sinners and let them know that Jesus has had preachers of false religions in His Holy Cross Hairs for all of history (Deuteronomy 13:15; 7-12 ; Deuteronomy 17:2-5; Deuteronomy 18:20-22; Leviticus 24:10-16; 2 Chronicles 15:12-13; Zechariah 13:3), and the entire town that harbors them (Deuteronomy 13:13-19), then you would do well to actually know these things. You would be wise to continue in your reading of the Holy Word.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Request for Help

...I realise the importance of keeping on his good side so as not to incur his wrath and vengeance.
I am, therefore, very determined to do that - and if it means smiting that pair of Jehovah Witnesses who I see hanging around my locality, I'm up for it!

The Bible says that the smiting thing is God's job, not yours.

Your job is to read the Bible, and obey.

Then you can go pester the Joho's by pointing out all the mistakes they're making, citing relevant Scripture <-- the key.

If there's one thing evangelists hate, it's when they try to play the Bible game and get their butts handed to them by an atheist.

SO GET READING.

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

I'm afraid Mr. Much cannot help you, as he is a confessed arrogant, atheist dick, and not to be trusted. He can, however, follow directions. As we are a loving community dedicated to illuminating the very Glory and Majesty of the Lord thy God, as preserved in the King James Holy Bible, we keep Mr. Much here and pray that he goes blind so that when he follows along on the forums with some perverted text-reader for the blind, he will finally hear the Word of God and thus be convicted of Its Truth (Romans 10:17).

In answer to your question, yes the Bible does refer to the joy we will have smashing our enemies babes against rocks (Psalm 137:9; Isaiah 13:16), as well as ripping them out of the wombs of their mothers (Hosea 13:16). In my opinion, this won't compare to watching the LORD force our enemies to get drunk on their own blood and eat their own flesh (Isaiah 49:26), smear their faces in their own poo like the dogs they are (Malachi 2:3), and fling poo at them in public for everyone to laugh at them (Nahum 3:6).

Doing unto them what they have done unto us is a time-honored method of Biblical justice (Deuteronomy 19:21). The Bible verse to which you refer is an example of the tit-for-tat justice the LORD will give us when He brings heathen nations to their knees for having the audacity to ignore or disregard Him (Deuteronomy 7:10; Psalm 18:47-49; Psalm 68:23). When Jesus comes back, I wouldn't be surprised to see Him force our enemies to say "Happy Holidays" until their tongues catch on fire and burn them from the inside out. Then we'll get to watch as the LORD buries them alive in their own feces, lol!

Thank you Mrs Etheldreda for this educational and informative post.
While feeling a sense of blessedness at having found this devoted and devout community of True Believers, I continue to be slightly confused because Mr Much doesn't come across as being very atheistic.
In my atheistic days, one of my pleasures was to set fire to churches (and mosques and temples and synagogues - in fact more or less any structure which looked as though it'd burn bright and hot) and I have to say I'd be surprised - nay astonished - to be told that Mr Much has a similar predilection.
However, I am bound to believe everything you tell me because you are an honest, sincere and very Godly woman, as anyone seeing your picture must know.
Now that you and your Brothers and Sisters in Christ have corrected my mistaken opinion that God is a wishy-washer do-gooder, I realise the importance of keeping on his good side so as not to incur his wrath and vengeance.
I am, therefore, very determined to do that - and if it means smiting that pair of Jehovah Witnesses who I see hanging around my locality, I'm up for it!

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Request for Help

I appreciate the time you have devoted to my religious education, Mr Much, and I apologise for not having responded sooner but I've been on a bender (if you should ever come across Somerset scrumpy cider be warned by me: never drink more than five gallons of it at one sitting) and for a while back there wasn't sure where I was - or even who I am.
I must confess I still haven't found your favourite verse. (The Bible, I'm finding out, does have an awful lot of verses in it, many of which make no sense to me at all).
May I ask for a clue? For instance, does it refer to dashing babies' brains out for the Lord?

I'm afraid Mr. Much cannot help you, as he is a confessed arrogant, atheist dick, and not to be trusted. He can, however, follow directions. As we are a loving community dedicated to illuminating the very Glory and Majesty of the Lord thy God, as preserved in the King James Holy Bible, we keep Mr. Much here and pray that he goes blind so that when he follows along on the forums with some perverted text-reader for the blind, he will finally hear the Word of God and thus be convicted of Its Truth (Romans 10:17).

In answer to your question, yes the Bible does refer to the joy we will have smashing our enemies babes against rocks (Psalm 137:9; Isaiah 13:16), as well as ripping them out of the wombs of their mothers (Hosea 13:16). In my opinion, this won't compare to watching the LORD force our enemies to get drunk on their own blood and eat their own flesh (Isaiah 49:26), smear their faces in their own poo like the dogs they are (Malachi 2:3), and fling poo at them in public for everyone to laugh at them (Nahum 3:6).

Doing unto them what they have done unto us is a time-honored method of Biblical justice (Deuteronomy 19:21). The Bible verse to which you refer is an example of the tit-for-tat justice the LORD will give us when He brings heathen nations to their knees for having the audacity to ignore or disregard Him (Deuteronomy 7:10; Psalm 18:47-49; Psalm 68:23). When Jesus comes back, I wouldn't be surprised to see Him force our enemies to say "Happy Holidays" until their tongues catch on fire and burn them from the inside out. Then we'll get to watch as the LORD buries them alive in their own feces, lol!

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

No, it's seeing if will turn your mind to acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence (done for His purposes, ofc.), once you comprehend His full glory as detailed in the KJV.

And you still haven't found my favourite verse??! Get reading, boy!


NO no no . It takes faith, is all. And whether God picked you for Salvation when He foresaw the entire history of the Universe He was about to create. If not, too bad .

I appreciate the time you have devoted to my religious education, Mr Much, and I apologise for not having responded sooner but I've been on a bender (if you should ever come across Somerset scrumpy cider be warned by me: never drink more than five gallons of it at one sitting) and for a while back there wasn't sure where I was - or even who I am.
I must confess I still haven't found your favourite verse. (The Bible, I'm finding out, does have an awful lot of verses in it, many of which make no sense to me at all).
May I ask for a clue? For instance, does it refer to dashing babies' brains out for the Lord?

[Didymus Much]

Re: Request for Help

...I can see it's all a question of tuning one's mind to the acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence...

No, it's seeing if will turn your mind to acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence (done for His purposes, ofc.), once you comprehend His full glory as detailed in the KJV.

And you still haven't found my favourite verse??! Get reading, boy!

...It obviously takes practice, but I hope to get there...

NO no no . It takes faith, is all. And whether God picked you for Salvation when He foresaw the entire history of the Universe He was about to create. If not, too bad .

[Basilissa]

Re: Request for Help

I can see it's all a question of tuning one's mind to the acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence.
It obviously takes practice, but I hope to get there.

Just take your time and read the Holy Bible. It's not as boring as you think! Most churches will tell you they want you to read it, but they just want you to concentrate on a few selected and usually taken out of context nice sounding verses.

Here at Landover Baptist Church we really want you to read all of it, and create your opinion about God, religion, and Bible-accepted morality based on what the Holy Bible really says, and not on what we would like it to say.

I can tell from your posts that you are a very good person, Basilissa.

Oh thank you, dear, that's very sweet of you!

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

There's nothing homosexual about being with Jesus, dear. Not even when He is in the middle when you and your wife do you-know-what.

You have introduced an entirely new dimension to this well-known teaching of Our Lord (as I've learned I must refer to God's Holy Son) and I will think of it next time the third (or it might be the fourth) Mrs Roast Beef starts on that thing she does when she thinks it's time I performed my husbandly duty.
"Jesus is watching!" I shall shout.
"He knows what you are up to because he's right here, in our midst."
(I'm beginning to discover the real benefits of the advice I'm being given here. Yes - I think that just a little more effort I really might be able to become a Believer. PRAISE BE TO GOD!)

If you have read the Bible - just the Genesis and Exodus, for starters - you'd know that God enjoys genocide. Have you ever heard about the Flood? Have you ever thought about millions of babies that died in that Flood? All of them will roast in Hell forever, which is just what they deserve for not loving Jesus!

I can see it's all a question of tuning one's mind to the acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence.
It obviously takes practice, but I hope to get there.

Your incoming conversion to True Christianity is proof that my prayers for your poor soul were answered!

I can tell from your posts that you are a very good person, Basilissa.

[Basilissa]

Re: Request for Help

I hope he doesn't expect me to love him in a homosexualist kind of way.
I'd find that as bad as what was expected of me in my dream with that evil-eyed goat.

There's nothing homosexual about being with Jesus, dear. Not even when He is in the middle when you and your wife do you-know-what.

I hadn't realised that loving God entails loving genocide.

That's because you have some weird unbiblical vision of God, sweetie. If you have read the Bible - just the Genesis and Exodus, for starters - you'd know that God enjoys genocide. Have you ever heard about the Flood? Have you ever thought about millions of babies that died in that Flood? All of them will roast in Hell forever, which is just what they deserve for not loving Jesus!

I feel as though you have just handed me the keys to an eternity of heavenly bliss, Blessed Basilissa!

Your incoming conversion to True Christianity is proof that my prayers for your poor soul were answered!

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Request for Help

I think you should read the book of Revelation! You could even share what you discover here, with True Christians™! Think of the insight you'll have!

Oh, I so agree, Sister! I'm sure that Yorkshire Pudding's insight into the Book of Revelation will be every bit as deep and fascinating as all his previous posts and I for one am on tenterhooks.

I would suggest, though, YP, that when first reading The Bible you should start at the beginning and work your way through until you reach the end. Then stop. God put His books in that order for a reason, you know. Their sequence is no more random than that of The Ten Commandments (subject to the obvious anomaly of the 7th Commandment).

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Request for Help

I hope he doesn't expect me to love him in a homosexualist kind of way.
I'd find that as bad as what was expected of me in my dream with that evil-eyed goat.

Not to worry, dear! There will be no s*x in Heaven, homo or regular. We'll have new, immortal bodies and who knows what all that will include (1 Corinthians 15:42-44; Revelation 21:4)! Probably we won't have any more naughty bits. I mean, why would we? There will be no more marriage (Matthew 22:23-30; Galatians 3:28), which means no becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24), no eating (Romans 14:17) so presumably no pooping. Besides, these things distract us from what we enjoy. Haven't you ever watched a great movie and thought to yourself, dang, now I have to pee! No potty-breaks necessary in Heaven! But I digress. No, I don't think Jesus' plan is to keep out all the gays (1 Corinthians 6:9) so He alone has the best opportunity to scoop up fags. It doesn't seem in His character (Leviticus 18:22), and despite His Holy Anger Management from the Old Testament Days to the New, Jesus is the same guy (Hebrews 13:8).

Do the clocks in heaven run really really slowly so as to stretch out eternity and make it seem as though it's going on forever, like waiting at an airport when every flight's been cancelled, or do they run very very fast, so it passes quicker, or are they stopped?
In fact...does the Bible even mention clocks. (Revelation must do, surely?)

We don't know a whole lot about Heaven, actually. We know it s talked about not less than 276 times in the New Testament alone. Scripture refers to three Heavens, at least. The apostle Paul was "caught up to the third Heaven," but he was given a Divine Gag Order to keep spoilers hush-hush (2 Corinthians 12:1-9).

Nevertheless, the Apostle John was did report a few things about the Heavenly City (Revelation 21:10-27), and let us know that Heaven possesses the "glory of God" (Revelation 21:11). Because Heaven has no night and the Lord Himself is the light, the sun and moon will become superfluous (Revelation 22:5). This of course will prove to be most fascinating for True Christians™ blessed to witness the birth of this new thermodynamics (Revelation 7:16; Revelation 21:23). I'm no clock maker so I don't know how time, or recording time, will work in Heaven. But doesn't it just make you all tingly inside to anticipate such Wonders?!?

I think you should know I gargle quite frequently with Listerine and I had a full-body wash only last June. (It's cold in Yorkshire, and too-frequent full-body washes aren't recommended, though Gays are excepted, for some reason).

Have they imported the toothbrush to Yorkshire yet? It's a humble little invention from the great and Godly state of Mississippi. We know it was invented in Mississippi because if it had been invented in any other state, it would have been called the "teethbrush."

If your spit can be fermented into some disgusting cheese-like product then it's not like any spit I've ever encountered - but perhaps that's what Heaven does for a person?

You'd be in Hell, remember? You can only get to Heaven if you accept the specific conditions of Jesus' unconditional love.

Amnesia? I've had that from time to time, most recently when Mrs Roast Beef found out there's another Mrs Roast Beef I was still married to. But water-under-the-bridge, as they say.

See, and if you beg God for forgiveness, and repent of your offensive ways, even He will adopt a kind of Divine Amnesia and forget all about it too (Isaiah 43:25).

Perhaps that eternity of feeling nothing but joy might be interspersed by an occasional night spent in reckless passion. I'd think the Bible has something to offer on those lines. Revelation seems to have something to say about most things - I'm certain there's a reference to some such hidden in there somewhere.
Bound to be.

I think you should read the book of Revelation! You could even share what you discover here, with True Christians™! Think of the insight you'll have!

[Roast Beef]

Re: Request for Help

Gosh, aren't you a lazy kid! If you did your job and read the Bible already instead of making whiny excuses, you'd know that God hates lazy people (2 Thessalonians 3:10, 1Timothy 5:8, Proverbs 21:25, etc, etc).

I hope you'll repent for your laziness. Nevertheless, since I am a shining example not only of modesty but also of patience towards the retarded, here is an advice for you: why don't you start reading some of the sermons listed in my signature? They often cite some of the best genocide stories of the Holy Bible!


I hope that was helpful, sweetie.

I hadn't realised that loving God entails loving genocide.


I am so glad I came upon this wonderful Landover Baptist Church web site or I might never have known that.


I feel as though you have just handed me the keys to an eternity of heavenly bliss, Blessed Basilissa!


(Tonight I shall send myself to sleep humming "genocide is good. Genocide is good" to the tune of "Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to war".