Help me save my family

[AlexanderKeith]

Hello, I am new here and I need help, it is an emergency I do not know what to do!!


I caught my daughter watching a utube video that at first I thought was a harmless cartoon. I'm so horrified I don't know where to start. She just went to her cousin's house to study and left utube on so I watched to see what the cartoon was about. I'm so shocked I can hardly type and my hands are shaking. It was a show called Red vs. Blue. I cannot even say what I witnessed without damning myself and my family. Last week I also caught her watching a movie that had a blue woman with short hair and very tight clothing. I don't know what it was but the tv was shut off immediately when I saw the blue woman and I sent her to bed.


I don't know what I am doing wrong, I really need help to control my daughter. She is 13 years old and I don't want her to send us all to hell. My wife is a great cook with good hips and homeschools the children. We also have a wonderful son that is 9 years old and his best friend is the autistic boy that lives across the street and thankfully does not watch the same trash as his older sister.


What should I do about my daughter? I am considering cancelling the tv and internet to save her from all this blasphemous trash, and the whole family from the pits of hell if she continues on her path of destruction. Please help fast! She will be home from her cousin's soon.

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Help me save my family

Hello, I am new here and I need help, it is an emergency I do not know what to do!!


I caught my daughter watching a utube video that at first I thought was a harmless cartoon. I'm so horrified I don't know where to start. She just went to her cousin's house to study and left utube on so I watched to see what the cartoon was about. I'm so shocked I can hardly type and my hands are shaking. It was a show called Red vs. Blue. I cannot even say what I witnessed without damning myself and my family. Last week I also caught her watching a movie that had a blue woman with short hair and very tight clothing. I don't know what it was but the tv was shut off immediately when I saw the blue woman and I sent her to bed.


I don't know what I am doing wrong, I really need help to control my daughter. She is 13 years old and I don't want her to send us all to hell. My wife is a great cook with good hips and homeschools the children. We also have a wonderful son that is 9 years old and his best friend is the autistic boy that lives across the street and thankfully does not watch the same trash as his older sister.


What should I do about my daughter? I am considering cancelling the tv and internet to save her from all this blasphemous trash, and the whole family from the pits of hell if she continues on her path of destruction. Please help fast! She will be home from her cousin's soon.

Friend, if the child is already 13 years old and has shown evidence of her moons the best thing you can do is find her a husband. I am sure that there are plenty of able and willing men here at Landover who would be up to the task.
It sounds as if she has a discipline problem which is probably your fault as you have not chastised her enough - temporary solution to this is to give her a few good beatings, in a True Christian manner of course and then lock her in a prayer closet for a few days.


Proverbs 23:13/14
13 Withhold not correction from the child: for [if] thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.


Proverbs 22:6
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”


Proverbs 22:15
“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”

[Marshal Kim Jong-un]

Re: Help me save my family

Hello, I am new here and I need help, it is an emergency I do not know what to do!!


I caught my daughter watching a utube video that at first I thought was a harmless cartoon. I'm so horrified I don't know where to start. She just went to her cousin's house to study and left utube on so I watched to see what the cartoon was about. I'm so shocked I can hardly type and my hands are shaking. It was a show called Red vs. Blue. I cannot even say what I witnessed without damning myself and my family. Last week I also caught her watching a movie that had a blue woman with short hair and very tight clothing. I don't know what it was but the tv was shut off immediately when I saw the blue woman and I sent her to bed.


I don't know what I am doing wrong, I really need help to control my daughter. She is 13 years old and I don't want her to send us all to hell. My wife is a great cook with good hips and homeschools the children. We also have a wonderful son that is 9 years old and his best friend is the autistic boy that lives across the street and thankfully does not watch the same trash as his older sister.


What should I do about my daughter? I am considering cancelling the tv and internet to save her from all this blasphemous trash, and the whole family from the pits of hell if she continues on her path of destruction. Please help fast! She will be home from her cousin's soon.

Friend, you must take your child for re-education at happy camp in DPRK. We will instill the proper values of Juche socialism so that she no longer watches this western propaganda. Thank.

[AlexanderKeith]

Re: Help me save my family

To dear Mr Taylor, I have not spared the rod with my daughter as she was growing up and she has been a good child. After speaking with my wife, I am told her moons are very recent and this may be the reason for her rebellions toward Jesus. My wife also says my daughter has been struggling with her schooling, but we both believe that it is not important if we start looking for a suitable husband very soon. She does an excellent job of looking after the family dog, and already at only 13 years old, knows how to cook a turkey without drying out the white meat. If there are any Landover members on the market for a wife, please get in touch with me.


To dear Mr Jong-un, I have heard DPRK is a lovely place to visit, and I would not have to worry about utube or blue women there. How many months does re-education take at your camp? Would you be able to accommodate myself and my family for the duration of my daughter's re-education? What sort of activities would my family (not including my daughter of course) be able to partake while we are there?


Thank you so much for your responses. I feel like there is hope now. I did not feel that just a couple of hours ago. My hands are shaking less and my heart is not beating out of my chest now.

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Help me save my family

To dear Mr Jong-un, I have heard DPRK is a lovely place to visit, and I would not have to worry about utube or blue women there. How many months does re-education take at your camp? Would you be able to accommodate myself and my family for the duration of my daughter's re-education?

Dear Alexander,
Forget about the advice that commie slanty eyed chink is giving you. All he wants to do is put your daughter to work in one of his happy palaces (another word for brothel).


Rather wait for a good upstanding mature Christian husband to present himself to make an honest woman of her. You need to hurry as she will soon be past her best.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Help me save my family

Hello, I am new here and I need help, it is an emergency I do not know what to do!!


I caught my daughter watching a utube video that at first I thought was a harmless cartoon. I'm so horrified I don't know where to start. She just went to her cousin's house to study and left utube on so I watched to see what the cartoon was about. I'm so shocked I can hardly type and my hands are shaking. It was a show called Red vs. Blue. I cannot even say what I witnessed without damning myself and my family. Last week I also caught her watching a movie that had a blue woman with short hair and very tight clothing. I don't know what it was but the tv was shut off immediately when I saw the blue woman and I sent her to bed.


I don't know what I am doing wrong, I really need help to control my daughter. She is 13 years old and I don't want her to send us all to hell. My wife is a great cook with good hips and homeschools the children. We also have a wonderful son that is 9 years old and his best friend is the autistic boy that lives across the street and thankfully does not watch the same trash as his older sister.


What should I do about my daughter? I am considering cancelling the tv and internet to save her from all this blasphemous trash, and the whole family from the pits of hell if she continues on her path of destruction. Please help fast! She will be home from her cousin's soon.

Mr. Keith,


Your situation is complex and none too promising. I am afraid that you have most of the responsibility for this. If you had trained your daughter properly, this heartache would not be falling upon your family. (Proverbs 22:6) (Ephesians 6:4) (Psalm 78:5)


I would like to direct your attention to your most important child, your son. Instead of wasting time with your harlot daughter, you should be concerned that he is hanging out with an autistic child. You are aware, of course, that this scourge (autism) is the new gay (and you may wish to see the thread in our forums about that subject). Autism is brought on through sin, usually homosexual lust and acting out. It is likely this child has rectally implanted demons into your son and he is bringing those back with him into your home.


You should immediately call for an exorcist. May I recommend Landover's excellent exorcists? For a reasonable fee (and accommodations if the exorcism takes a while) your household will be COMPLETELY rid of any demonic oppression and possession. Furthermore, Landover's exorcisms are GUARANTEED to work by the authority of Christ's shed blood.


I mean no disrespect, but HOW could you permit your child to view films on the Interwebs? You are an irresponsible, useless father who deserves rebuke and intervention by experts in parenting. May I recommend Landover's outstanding 24/7 Dads program? They are held in most major cities several times a month. For a reasonable fee, you will learn how to be a disciplinarian and role model for your son. The "Abraham and Isaac Field Trip" is a practical way to put your faith in God to the test and it will be a bonding experience you and your son will remember forever. Best of all, a sheep, knife, firewood, and mountain are all provided in the fee.


While it appears your children are bound for hell, Landover's ministries are your best bet if you hope for any measure of Salvation®. A large tithe payable to Pastor Ezekiel Flint certainly couldn't hurt.


Prayers will be said for you.
And hey - you might learn to follow directions. In the introduction forum it is considered RUDE to just implore our aid without properly introducing yourself. This is where you should have told us about your church, how you came to find the Lord, and you should have also informed us of your past homosexual lifestyle as a Catholic. I assume the latter 2 items are true based on what the Holy Spirit told me as I read your whines and cries.


BrotherLarry

[AlexanderKeith]

Re: Help me save my family

To dear Mr Taylor, I was previously unaware of my daughter's moons and after thinking about it for a few minutes I believe you are correct in that a husband must be found for her post haste. My wife is taking her bra shopping next Thursday after her Easter scene posing lesson, so ideally before then. Mr Jong-un seemed a pleasant fellow and I was trying to be polite. I will inform my wife after dinner that she only needs to arrange for a single one-way ticket to DPRK but to wait until next Friday, in the unfortunate possibility that any husband has not been found.


To dear Brother Larry, I am aware that I bear the burden of my daughter's indiscretions which is why I came here with such a heavy heart. I am trying to repair my relations with Jesus. It is now crystal clear to me that I did not wield the rod enough and I fear I am doomed. My wife is cooking a wonderful dinner that will be ready as soon as I walk into the dining room, and right after grace, I will beat any autism out of my son that may have leaked on him while he was across the street. As I write this, our house is being put up for sale. My wife and I will observe my son and hopefully we will not require any exorcisms. If I see anything such as skinned knees or if he continues to talk with long vowels, I will definitely be in touch with you again. I really don't want to send my son away, he is my favourite.


I implore you to accept my apology for not following the forum rules and not properly introducing myself. I was very afraid.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Help me save my family

I implore you to accept my apology for not following the forum rules and not properly introducing myself. I was very afraid.

Apology NOT accepted, since once again you have failed to follow simple instructions:


"This is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus."


Others will not be as patient with you as I am. As a young, handsome, well built intelligent True Christian™, the Lord has blessed me with the ability to be longsuffering. Some of my dear friends here will jump your fearful behind in a heartbeat. What are you afraid of, man? God shoots testicleosterase in your veins daily, and He expects you to be an example of maleness. Buck up, buttercup. Jesus ain't no sissy.


BrotherLarry

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Help me save my family

I was very afraid.

And so you should be Alexander. Despite having been politely requested to provide further information on not just one, but two separate occasions you still resolutely spit in our collective eye. I now have my doubts about your sincerity.


Remember it's not just us you are spitting on it is GOD as well.


I will maintain a safe distance from this point forward but will pray for you.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Help me save my family

Hello, I am new here and I need help, it is an emergency I do not know what to do!!


I caught my daughter watching a utube video that at first I thought was a harmless cartoon. I'm so horrified I don't know where to start. She just went to her cousin's house to study and left utube on so I watched to see what the cartoon was about. I'm so shocked I can hardly type and my hands are shaking. It was a show called Red vs. Blue. I cannot even say what I witnessed without damning myself and my family. Last week I also caught her watching a movie that had a blue woman with short hair and very tight clothing. I don't know what it was but the tv was shut off immediately when I saw the blue woman and I sent her to bed.


I don't know what I am doing wrong, I really need help to control my daughter. She is 13 years old and I don't want her to send us all to hell. My wife is a great cook with good hips and homeschools the children. We also have a wonderful son that is 9 years old and his best friend is the autistic boy that lives across the street and thankfully does not watch the same trash as his older sister.


What should I do about my daughter? I am considering cancelling the tv and internet to save her from all this blasphemous trash, and the whole family from the pits of hell if she continues on her path of destruction. Please help fast! She will be home from her cousin's soon.

A man who cannot control a little girl in his own house?



1 Timothy 5:8 - But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

YIC

[Marshal Kim Jong-un]

Re: Help me save my family

To dear Mr Taylor, I have not spared the rod with my daughter as she was growing up and she has been a good child. After speaking with my wife, I am told her moons are very recent and this may be the reason for her rebellions toward Jesus. My wife also says my daughter has been struggling with her schooling, but we both believe that it is not important if we start looking for a suitable husband very soon. She does an excellent job of looking after the family dog, and already at only 13 years old, knows how to cook a turkey without drying out the white meat. If there are any Landover members on the market for a wife, please get in touch with me.


To dear Mr Jong-un, I have heard DPRK is a lovely place to visit, and I would not have to worry about utube or blue women there. How many months does re-education take at your camp? Would you be able to accommodate myself and my family for the duration of my daughter's re-education? What sort of activities would my family (not including my daughter of course) be able to partake while we are there?


Thank you so much for your responses. I feel like there is hope now. I did not feel that just a couple of hours ago. My hands are shaking less and my heart is not beating out of my chest now.

Friend, ignore what them are say. It is liberal media lies. Unfortunately, so many believe them.


There will be relative time shortage. Could be six months to even two or three even years in camp. You will all be able to participate in fun activities and games such as "Knocking down the American bastards" and "Pin the nuke on the United States". Dog and squash will be served.

[johnraymond]

Re: Help me save my family

Hello, I am new here and I need help, it is an emergency I do not know what to do!!


I caught my daughter watching a utube video that at first I thought was a harmless cartoon. I'm so horrified I don't know where to start. She just went to her cousin's house to study and left utube on so I watched to see what the cartoon was about. I'm so shocked I can hardly type and my hands are shaking. It was a show called Red vs. Blue. I cannot even say what I witnessed without damning myself and my family. Last week I also caught her watching a movie that had a blue woman with short hair and very tight clothing. I don't know what it was but the tv was shut off immediately when I saw the blue woman and I sent her to bed.


I don't know what I am doing wrong, I really need help to control my daughter. She is 13 years old and I don't want her to send us all to hell. My wife is a great cook with good hips and homeschools the children. We also have a wonderful son that is 9 years old and his best friend is the autistic boy that lives across the street and thankfully does not watch the same trash as his older sister.


What should I do about my daughter? I am considering cancelling the tv and internet to save her from all this blasphemous trash, and the whole family from the pits of hell if she continues on her path of destruction. Please help fast! She will be home from her cousin's soon.

Thomas Taylor recommended that she marry. I am a godly man who had never looked wrongly at a woman, and am still a virgin. If you would be willing, I could marry her, as I have been looking for a wife for a long time. The LORD has presented this oppurtunity at the perfect time. Would you be willing? Perhaps could I speak to her about it as well?

[johnraymond]

Re: Help me save my family

To specify, my parents have well taught me to handle women. I will teach her to follow the LORD, keep her in line so that she will obey His commands, and if necessary, beat her. I will also make sure that her hips produce many grandchildren for you, and that she never even thinks of watching 'Blue Women' again.

Indeed, it's as if God has prepared me for this day.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Help me save my family

Thomas Taylor recommended that she marry. I am a godly man who had never looked wrongly at a woman, and am still a virgin. If you would be willing, I could marry her, as I have been looking for a wife for a long time. The LORD has presented this oppurtunity at the perfect time. Would you be willing? Perhaps could I speak to her about it as well?

Beware, Mr Keith. This person is a self-confessed heavy metal freek AND a member of some weird sect.

I'm a Christian, I go to a non-denominational church in Georgia called Refuge Church.

However, as you have still not granted us the courtesy of a proper introduction, and (as Dr Niles pointed out) you are clearly a weak man and a pathetically ineffectual parent, this may be your only option.


All the best, dear,
JL-V

[johnraymond]

Re: Help me save my family

Beware, Mr Keith. This person is a self-confessed heavy metal freek AND a member of some weird sect.



However, as you have still not granted us the courtesy of a proper introduction, and (as Dr Niles pointed out) you are clearly a weak man and a pathetically ineffectual parent, this may be your only option.


All the best, dear,
JL-V

Do not fear. I believe that, having spent some time here, that I may return to the Baptist Faith after all.

That I listen to heavy metal, I cannot deny, but it is music sung by Christians (and only Christians), and to the glory of the LORD. And even through that, I still listen to many a great hymn of worship to God