[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

I think I am saved.

My next question is: What is the process to join Landover Baptist Church?

I really wish that tomorrow would be the last Sunday that I don't go to any church.

My dear, your enthusiasm is fantastic, but if we admitted into our community anyone who asks... well, we wouldn't need a wall, would we?

Anyhow. Please be reassured that our Department of Faith is conducting a thorough background check, and your dossier will be reviewed in due time. I highly recommend finding a Bible-obeying church in your area, as "due time" could be a while.

In the meantime, why don't you spread Jesus' love by posting in other threads on this forum? For now you cannot create new threads outside of the Introduction Forum, but you are free to post wherever your heart desires. Please remember to cite the Bible often and thoughtfully.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

I have no idea, dear. I know something about computers, but not enough to track you down, hack the camera on your computer, and spy on you to see whether you really are following all God's Commandments all the time.

I hope that was helpful.

I think I am saved.


My next question is: What is the process to join Landover Baptist Church?


I really wish that tomorrow would be the last Sunday that I don't go to any church.


But then again, I don't even know where to find Freehold on a map.


What should I do?

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

From now on, I will do the will of our Father which is in heaven.

Am I saved yet?

I have no idea, dear. I know something about computers, but not enough to track you down, hack the camera on your computer, and spy on you to see whether you really are following all God's Commandments all the time.

I hope that was helpful.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

Saying it is one thing, doing it is another. Which you would already know if you had read the whole Bible, twice.

Matthew 7:21-23
21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

From now on, I will do the will of our Father which is in heaven.


Am I saved yet?

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

All right then. I accept Jesus as my Savior, repent for all of my horrible sins, and, starting now, will follow each and every one of his commandments.

Am I saved yet?

Saying it is one thing, doing it is another. Which you would already know if you had read the whole Bible, twice.

Matthew 7:21-23
21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

It seems to me that there may be a language barrier (or some intellectual shortcoming on your part) which hinders our mutual understanding.

Lemme explain this to you, slowly. When we ask "how you came to find Jesus," we are not asking about you actually meeting a human or human-like being named Jesus. That would be logistically difficult as Jesus walked this Earth 2000 years ago and hasn't been back since. He'll be back though, because He promised, and He keeps His promises (just like Donald). You also need to learn to discern between Jesus, who is God and also the Son of God at the same time, and between Mexicans named Jesús (pronounced Heh-SOOS). You can find plenty of these in the southern states of the USA.

However, in Proper American, "finding Jesus" has another, metaphorical meaning. I know, you do have trouble understanding parables and such, but please, bear with me. In this metaphorical meaning, "finding Jesus" means, accepting Jesus as your Savior, repenting for all of your horrible sins, and following all of His commandments.

I hope this helps. I will pray for your soul.

All right then. I accept Jesus as my Savior, repent for all of my horrible sins, and, starting now, will follow each and every one of his commandments.


Am I saved yet?

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

Actually, I did find every commandment to be very helpful. But is finding the commandments helpful the same as finding Jesus? I just want to make sure I get saved.

It seems to me that there may be a language barrier (or some intellectual shortcoming on your part) which hinders our mutual understanding.

Lemme explain this to you, slowly. When we ask "how you came to find Jesus," we are not asking about you actually meeting a human or human-like being named Jesus. That would be logistically difficult as Jesus walked this Earth 2000 years ago and hasn't been back since. He'll be back though, because He promised, and He keeps His promises (just like Donald). You also need to learn to discern between Jesus, who is God and also the Son of God at the same time, and between Mexicans named Jesús (pronounced Heh-SOOS). You can find plenty of these in the southern states of the USA.

However, in Proper American, "finding Jesus" has another, metaphorical meaning. I know, you do have trouble understanding parables and such, but please, bear with me. In this metaphorical meaning, "finding Jesus" means, accepting Jesus as your Savior, repenting for all of your horrible sins, and following all of His commandments.

I hope this helps. I will pray for your soul.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

You didn't find all the commandments which are there helpful? Maybe you need to sit down and read again. Here is an excellent cheat sheet by Brother Cranky, containing the must-read list where you should start.

Actually, I did find every commandment to be very helpful. But is finding the commandments helpful the same as finding Jesus? I just want to make sure I get saved.

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

I have read the stuff in between the covers. Twice.

So I ask once again: What should I do next?

You didn't find all the commandments which are there helpful? Maybe you need to sit down and read again. Here is an excellent cheat sheet by Brother Cranky, containing the must-read list where you should start.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

You also need to read the stuff in between.

I have read the stuff in between the covers. Twice.


So I ask once again: What should I do next?


I really want to find Jesus as soon as possible.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: My Introduction

I have read through my entire King James Bible cover to cover twice.

You also need to read the stuff in between.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

How about the KING JAMES BIBLE 1611, I hear its a great place to start .

I have read through my entire King James Bible cover to cover twice.


What should I do next?

[Vengeance Puriel]

Re: My Introduction

All right - you win. I have not found Jesus yet. I need to keep looking. But where exactly should I look? If toast is not the right place, then why did Jesus say "I am the bread of life"? Also, why did he use bread to symbolize his body at the Last Supper?


Where, might I ask, were you looking when you found Jesus?

How about the KING JAMES BIBLE 1611, I hear its a great place to start .

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

Speaking of Ezekiels, Ezekiel bread is such a delicious recipe, when followed to the letter:
Ezekiel 4:9-12
9 Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof, according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof.
10 And thy meat which thou shalt eat shall be by weight, twenty shekels a day: from time to time shalt thou eat it.
11 Thou shalt drink also water by measure, the sixth part of an hin: from time to time shalt thou drink.
12 And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: My Introduction

Good point. So now I'm wondering: What bread did Jesus use at the Last Supper, according to the Landover Baptist Church?

I should think the LORD would have used Sara Lee, but I think Jesus predates that company by over 1000 years. Their brioche is heavenly.


It doesn't take much research to find which bread was used at that time frame. Do you expect us, busy True Christians(TM), to do all the footwork for you? I have not yet added you to my prayer list because I doubt your sincerityness. I will, however, put you on notice that Pastor Ezekiel frowns upon such God mocking.