I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

[upchucker67]

Hello Landover.

You've known me for my many social boners on this wonderful site. I'm sorry. I feel the need to put myself forward urgently. Though as you know full well, I suffered the brunt of COVID-19 while on my vacation cruise, I know full well that was just God's foreplay, and He has so much more horror in store! I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat!

Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast! The apocalypse is here and Christ will show up any more to call home his children! I don't wish to be left grovelling in the mud on my belly with the other sinners.


2 Peter 2:22 But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.



I know this is the End of Times, God is miffed! If there's one small thing I can do to humor Him (I've got many novel talents in my arsenal), then I'll do it, no questions asked!


-A perturbed Phil.

[Didymus Much]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

< Is that a condom hanging from your nose?

[upchucker67]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

What's a condom?

[tkwhite]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

Mr. Hucker,

Do you remember that discussion that we (me, you, and Mrs. White) had on my thread about the studying, praying, etc.?



2 Timothy 2:15 King James Version (KJV)

15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.


Ephesians 6:18 King James Version (KJV)


18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

Hello Landover.

You've known me for my many social boners on this wonderful site. I'm sorry. I feel the need to put myself forward urgently. Though as you know full well, I suffered the brunt of COVID-19 while on my vacation cruise, I know full well that was just God's foreplay, and He has so much more horror in store! I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat!

Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast! The apocalypse is here and Christ will show up any more to call home his children! I don't wish to be left grovelling in the mud on my belly with the other sinners.


2 Peter 2:22 But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.



I know this is the End of Times, God is miffed! If there's one small thing I can do to humor Him (I've got many novel talents in my arsenal), then I'll do it, no questions asked!


-A perturbed Phil.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

Hello Landover.

Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast! The apocalypse is here and Christ will show up any more to call home his children! I don't wish to be left grovelling in the mud on my belly with the other sinners.
I know this is the End of Times, God is miffed! If there's one small thing I can do to humor Him (I've got many novel talents in my arsenal), then I'll do it, no questions asked!
-A perturbed Phil.

We will need quite a bit of information to accommodate you. List all the sins you know you have committed. Then list the things you have done and thoughts you have had you think were not sins and we will make our own judgement.

[Maria Knight]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

Hello Landover.

You've known me for my many social boners on this wonderful site. I'm sorry. I feel the need to put myself forward urgently. Though as you know full well, I suffered the brunt of COVID-19 while on my vacation cruise, I know full well that was just God's foreplay, and He has so much more horror in store! I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat!

Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast! The apocalypse is here and Christ will show up any more to call home his children! I don't wish to be left grovelling in the mud on my belly with the other sinners.


2 Peter 2:22 But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.



I know this is the End of Times, God is miffed! If there's one small thing I can do to humor Him (I've got many novel talents in my arsenal), then I'll do it, no questions asked!


-A perturbed Phil.

I'm just finding Salvation myself. I will pray that you find yours.

[upchucker67]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

Thank you Maria, I'm touched. By the way, why do you have a cartoon boy in your avatar? You are not an androgynous thingamajig, are you?

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

< Is that a condom hanging from your nose?

He likes the smell of his self-proclaimed wit.

[upchucker67]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

He likes the smell of his self-proclaimed wit.

Obnoxiously moldy?

[Alvin Moss]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

You're looking for a shortcut, Chuck. Don't you know by now there aren't any? It's like this: Give yourself over to Jesus, invite Him into your life and follow the narrow path or burn for eternity in the Lake of Fire that is the second death. It's simple; no plan is required. God sees you procrastinating and I imagine you are on His smite list by now.

[Isabella White]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat! Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast!

Dear Mr. Hucker: Pray tell, what part of the many messages (with too-many-to-mention references to the ) have you not understood? It is not like the servants of the have not tried to help you in every way that we can. However, we cannot look over your shoulder to ensure that you are, in fact, reading the glorious Truths that are contained within the Word of Almighty .

Now, then, since you are so close to the brink of tottering into for all of eternity (which you deserve, most assuredly), I shall include a link to some writings on . These should help to put into focus for you.

https://www.landoverbaptist.net/index.php/statement-of-faith/

It is my prayer, and that of my dear friends at the Wednesday Afternoon McGill Street Ladies' Prayer Meeting, Bible Study and Tea & Social, that you will read all of this very carefully, and then act accordingly. You know, Dear, we ladies do pray for you constantly. Why, just yesterday afternoon, I had a call from Sister Priscilla, asking how you are getting on. She's asked that I pass a message to you, and it is this: "fritter not your time with foolish pursuits."

I do so hope that your next message to us will show that you have, indeed, been seeking the in a most sincere manner.

Matthew 6:33 "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

Romans 10:13 "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Acts 17:27 "That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us"

[handmaiden]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

Hello Landover.

I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat!

That's a start. You acknowledge that you are going to Hell because you deserve to be sent to Hell because you have fallen short of the perfection of God.

Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast!

Listen to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. There really is nothing that one needs to--or CAN do-- to get saved.

I'm just finding Salvation myself. I will pray that you find yours.

To the both of you--you are looking for the air in front of you instead of breathing it in to keep yourselves alive!


You don't "find" Salvation. You don't "get Saved and get it over with".



You admit that God created everything and is deserving of all Glory and Obedience. You accept that He has the authority to send you to Hell for the sin of being born an imperfect human.


You thank Him for sending Jesus to die in your place to present God with the only Sin Offering that God is willing to accept--A blood offering of a Perfect Sacrifice.


You ask God to pour Jesus' blood all over you to cover up your sin so that God can tolerate the smell of you. (Because He prefers the smell of blood to the smell of sin.)


You rejoice in God's cleansing bloodbath. You are Saved. . .


Then you spend the rest of your life reading the Bible and accepting its unerring Truth. This is followed by obeying Every Part Of It.

You do this all the time, with all your heart, mind, and soul and you do it for the rest of your life.


Just do what He tells you and don't deviate in any way or you will have sinned. And that is something that you can't do if you are saved.


1 John 3:9
Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for His seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.


It is literally SO SIMPLE. I don't know how anybody could make it any clearer than that.


I would break it down in words of one syllable, but if The Good Lord wants to use words like "whosoever" and "remaineth", it is hardly my place to suggest substitutions.

[Vengeance Puriel]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

< Is that a condom hanging from your nose?

I believe it is

[Romeo Rovagnati]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

Dear Mr. Chucker, if you are really interested in going to Heaven (or at least Purgatory) you should start by attending the Mass every Sunday, confessing your sins to a priest and doing good works like charity or fasting. I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Father Romeo Rovagnati.

[tkwhite]

Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.

I think I better step in here and correct something. Mr. Hucker, Don't let him fool you. Jesus is the ONLY REPEAT ONLY one who can save you.


Ephesians 2:8-9 King James Version (KJV)

8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.


It's easy to do good works, but, it won't get you into Heaven.


Matthew 7:22-23 King James Version (KJV)

22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.


At the end of this life, if we did not accept Jesus into our lives......Friend, you will be truly sorry when you meet Jesus.

Revelation 20:15 King James Version (KJV)

15 And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.

Dear Mr. Chucker, if you are really interested in going to Heaven (or at least Purgatory) you should start by attending the Mass every Sunday, confessing your sins to a priest and doing good works like charity or fasting. I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Father Romeo Rovagnati.