[D'Arlene Sepkowitz]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

Oh, Mrs. Sheplovks! You are a MAGICIAN?

I am a skin consultant, Pastor. We at Mary Kay carry many products for you rugged manly men folk. I'd be happy to give you a manicure and facial. We can get you all spiffed up for your next TV appearance, funeral or baptism! All to the Glory of God, of course.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

Thank you for your kind Mary Kay offer, Sister D'Arlene, but as you can see from my picture, I do not use makeup.

I offer our Lord's undiluted handiwork up to him daily; i.e., the young healthy skin, naturally strong coloring, etc., He gifted me with from the first.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

Thank you for your kind Mary Kay offer, Sister D'Arlene, but as you can see from my picture, I do not use makeup.

I offer our Lord's undiluted handiwork up to him daily; i.e., the young healthy skin, naturally strong coloring, etc., He gifted me with from the first.

SCREEEEEECH!!

You don't WHAT!?

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

I am a skin consultant, Pastor. We at Mary Kay carry many products for you rugged manly men folk. I'd be happy to give you a manicure and facial. We can get you all spiffed up for your next TV appearance, funeral or baptism! All to the Glory of God, of course.

Well, Mary Kay is a good old Texas girl, so that's all right I guess. But I don't want a manicure and a 'facial', thanks anyway.

Don't worry about Cookie. She typically sobers up by Monday.

[Mrs. Robert Roberts]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

Oh my, this is just too much for me to comprehend today. I love my Solomon, but know that I must love the Lord even more. I will pray for heavenly wisdom and guidance regarding this conundrum.

Cookie, may I offer you a complimentary Mary Kay makeover at your earliest convenience? You would look lovely with some low lights and a pink lip gloss.

Dear sister D'Arlene.
All this commotion is too much for you to handle right now.
May I suggest just putting on some republican gospel music and baking a few dozen pies? That always calms me down.
Your friend,
Mr's Robert Roberts

[WickedWitch]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

You have been a Landoverian since you first came here and we saved you from the horrors of gothism. You may deny it to yourself, but here you are and getting better every day! When you need a friend, where do you come? When you need a smile, we are here. When you need to be slapped around, we have people waiting in line. If you want your virginity restored, $5,000US and some pig intestine and I'll get you through your wedding night!

Pastor, you are so very right (minus the "cured of gothism" bit), and you may not believe this, but it is completely true: your post brings a tear to my eye. So I have to stop looking at it, because I'm at work, and people are looking at me funny for crying at my computer screen.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

I am a skin consultant, Pastor. We at Mary Kay carry many products for you rugged manly men folk. I'd be happy to give you a manicure and facial. We can get you all spiffed up for your next TV appearance, funeral or baptism! All to the Glory of God, of course.

Dear Mrs Lipschitz. It has been explained to me that from the perspective of an outsider, there could, remotely, be the appearance of a tiny discord between myself and Mistress Wolfbane. I want to grind that notion into the ground. Six feet or so! Why, nothing could be farther from the truth. You see, we are S - L - O - W - L - Y preparing a radio show and we had a little contest for writers. Cookie submitted an article and a few of us thought to show her a kindness and give her submission a pity-vote. Before I could stop it she won for best screenplay and she has been Mistress Mommie Dearest ever since.

Now the fact is that she does have a little talent when she is actually prodded to use it and she seems to need a lot of prodding. After we spent hours and days reworking the screenplay it is almost useable and we probably WILL use it and give her the credit. We are kind that way.

Trust me, she will be happy for an extreme make-over if you are willing. Penn and Teller said it was beyond their abilities and that French woman actually dropped dead when we asked for her help. ANYTHING you can do. PLEASE!

EDIT:
And her husband's fortune, GOD rest his soul, was left entirely to the church. That IS his signature as I and Pastor Zeke have verified! We have told the woman that we are willing to grant her a pittance portion of the interest but she continues to defy GOD!

If she sends you her address, please PM our security department immediately. We just want to help her and we have the newest portable medical equipment on the market!

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

Sister Deedee:

My primary purpose is to serve our wise Elders in any way I can, to bring happiness into the perhaps-short time they still have amongst us before they're heralded into the City of God with all the pomp and ceremony that entrails.

I would like to book you in advance to do a Mary Kay post-embalming touch-up on someone, for when that great, blessed day comes. You may even know who I am talking about. Lots of rouge, eyeshadow and perhaps a modest feather headdress would be appropriate for the glorious sendoff.

PM me, please, and keep a bag packed.

[Brother Brett]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

Hello Sister D'Arlene!!!

I must tell you, I went shopping (for bibles) the other day and wondered into a clothing store to purchase some dungrees for my wife when a lady wearing one of these came into the store ... I immediately THREW my bag of bibles at her and started screaming at her to find JESUS!

I do worry what is happening to Europe these days what with the Islamification of Europe.

Brother Brett

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

I love makeup! Let me know when the next kiddie pageant is!!!!

P/S: I would like a two(fer) of the Fawn Beige Cream foundation and the latest skin renewal lotion. that stuff is pure gold!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

The art show!

Oh, COOKIE! I am so glad I found you. Your Van Gogh-style oil painting of Jacqueline Kennedy has been selected as a finalist in the Annual Landover Charity Art Sale. The lucky high bidder will have a plaque inscribed with his (or her) name and the amount of the donation. The artwork of the three annual finalists will be hung in places of honor in the Landover Library hall. There is a very nice award presented to the three finalists at the ceremony as well as a small stipend, usually valuable fast-food discount coupons.

The presentation will be held on Sunday, March 22 after the morning service and a catered lunch. Naturally, all of the honorees are required to be present in person for the interviews and photographs. Since the finalists have already been selected, the framing is already being taken care of. After the judging, which typically takes only minutes, we will proceed to the hanging.

Please wear sensible shoes. There are fourteen steps up to the....podium where you will get your reward. After that, if you aren't too busy, feel free to hang around the podium awhile until I get by to give you my blessings and make sure the limo is ready for you.

See you there!

Your pal, Pastor Al.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: My name is D'Arlene from Oklahoma and I am new here

Pastor, you are so very right (minus the "cured of gothism" bit), and you may not believe this, but it is completely true: your post brings a tear to my eye. So I have to stop looking at it, because I'm at work, and people are looking at me funny for crying at my computer screen.

You asked for this link...

http://landoverbaptist.net/showpost.php?p=299051&postcount=34

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: The art show!

Oh, COOKIE! I am so glad I found you. Your Van Gogh-style oil painting of Jacqueline Kennedy has been selected as a finalist in the Annual Landover Charity Art Sale...The presentation will be held on Sunday, March 22 after the morning service and a catered lunch. Naturally, all of the honorees are required to be present in person for the interviews and photographs.

That's exciting! I never thought my dabblings would actually be taken seriously by anyone! You bet I'll be there!

I checked with Bobbie-Joe about that limo, etc., and the event isn't on his security detail schedule. Do I have the date right?

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: The art show!

That's exciting! I never thought my dabblings would actually be taken seriously by anyone! You bet I'll be there!

I checked with Bobbie-Joe about that limo, etc., and the event isn't on his security detail schedule. Do I have the date right?

This is the first year we have notified the finalists in advance. In the past, however, some of the finalists have failed to arrive on time or have been vacationing in Tibet. I am sure you understand how that can ruin some very well planned events. BJ probably doesn't realized I mentioned it to you and didn't want to spoil the festivities.

[Nobar King]

Re: The art show!

What did I win?!?!