Hello, True Christians!

[HelpMePrayBetter]

Now, I do have to admit to not being the godly sort of fellow you're used to seeing around here. Unlike each and every one of y'all already-washed-in-the-Blood-of-the-Lamb Saint-Saviors and Men of the Lord, I am just a wretched heathern trying my best to fight my way back out of the self-imposed Hell I had been living in previous to finding the righteousness of this website.

Yes, right here, brethren, on this very site, I swear that Megiddo, the Plain of the Final War of Revelation, has gone forth to every computer screen and internet box in this whole filthy world!

I am here to join in your Spiritual War against the unbeliever, the disbeliever, and the unbelievable.

I have not deserved my place among such Holy Warriors as yourselves, but I am willing to sacrifice all the worldly pleasures of my previous life in order to find the PEACE that comes ONLY from the forgiveness and release of our LORD and SAVIOR, Jesus Christ! I am laying down the whoring, the drinking, the gluttony, the shameful oogling of the pornography and the spilling of the seed that came with it. I am thankful to the Lord for the invention of the Visa debit card, because the Lord's money was once secured inside a bank account, but NO MORE! I can give FREELY now, knowing that my earthly sacrifices will lead only to the further glorification of the kingdom of the Lord!

I will live in the loving shelter of God's embrace! I will feast on the fish and the loaves and the rain! I don't need cable, or even a TV; I want the Lord to have my flat screen and my remote control! Let all that goes before my eyes be the message of the Lord!

Thank you all, each and every one, for allowing me to be among you and to be anointed with the Spirit of the Giver of Life in this, the final days before His sword is swung and Revelation rains fiery death down upon the apostate!


Praise the Lord.

[Levi Jones]

Re: Hello, True Christians!

Praise God!

The next step is get into an Independent Baptist Church pronto.

Go talk to the minister about getting you a KJV1611. Bury your nose in it. Read it cover to cover. Get very comfortable with the stories, parables and scriptures.

Sounds like you have some reading to catch up on.

[Jared H. Price]

Re: Hello, True Christians!

Now, I do have to admit to not being the godly sort of fellow you're used to seeing around here. Unlike each and every one of y'all already-washed-in-the-Blood-of-the-Lamb Saint-Saviors and Men of the Lord, I am just a wretched heathern trying my best to fight my way back out of the self-imposed Hell I had been living in previous to finding the righteousness of this website.

Yes, right here, brethren, on this very site, I swear that Megiddo, the Plain of the Final War of Revelation, has gone forth to every computer screen and internet box in this whole filthy world!

I am here to join in your Spiritual War against the unbeliever, the disbeliever, and the unbelievable.

I have not deserved my place among such Holy Warriors as yourselves, but I am willing to sacrifice all the worldly pleasures of my previous life in order to find the PEACE that comes ONLY from the forgiveness and release of our LORD and SAVIOR, Jesus Christ! I am laying down the whoring, the drinking, the gluttony, the shameful oogling of the pornography and the spilling of the seed that came with it. I am thankful to the Lord for the invention of the Visa debit card, because the Lord's money was once secured inside a bank account, but NO MORE! I can give FREELY now, knowing that my earthly sacrifices will lead only to the further glorification of the kingdom of the Lord!

I will live in the loving shelter of God's embrace! I will feast on the fish and the loaves and the rain! I don't need cable, or even a TV; I want the Lord to have my flat screen and my remote control! Let all that goes before my eyes be the message of the Lord!

Thank you all, each and every one, for allowing me to be among you and to be anointed with the Spirit of the Giver of Life in this, the final days before His sword is swung and Revelation rains fiery death down upon the apostate!


Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition.

The devil won't go down without a fight. After finding a church, the next step is Armageddon Bunker Building. The anti-christ may be out there right now, watching for weakness in the ranks. Best get your guns together before the liberals take them.

[HelpMePrayBetter]

Re: Hello, True Christians!

Brother Levi, Brother Jared, thank you both.

Brother Levi, I'll tell you, I have about 9 different false Bibles on my table, and every one of them's a little bit more blasphemous than the next. I even got one that liberalizes the study so far as to say that, in a modern world, a man doesn't have the right to stone his adultering whore wife anymore. Can you imagine?

You can't even trust the Word to be the Word anymore in these Godless times, but I know what I CAN trust, and that's that healing feeling, that blessed washing away of my sins in the untainted, un-watered-down Blood of the Son of God, Amen! Them Lefties, they can dilute the Word at the cost of their very souls, but the Truth is unblemished!

Boy, I'm getting that Spirit-fire in my gut... This is going to be a very special place for me!

[Levi Jones]

Re: Hello, True Christians!

Boy, I'm getting that Spirit-fire in my gut... This is going to be a very special place for me!

I'm starting to get a pretty good feeling about you.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello, True Christians!

Welcome to God's favorite forum. I see you're a fan of Pastor Swaggart. I've played golf with him many times (he cheats), and have spent time with him at various pastoral retreats around the world.

Please tell us about yourself. What church do you attend? What about your wife and children?

Why are you so confused about which Bible is the one true Word of God? Please take a look at my sermon on the subject HERE. I hope and pray that you find it enlightening.

[HTannor]

Re: Hello, True Christians!

I'm starting to get a pretty good feeling about you.

Me, too, Brother Levi.


Welcome, HMPB.

[HelpMePrayBetter]

Re: Hello, True Christians!

Welcome to God's favorite forum. I see you're a fan of Pastor Swaggart. I've played golf with him many times (he cheats), and have spent time with him at various pastoral retreats around the world.

Please tell us about yourself. What church do you attend? What about your wife and children?

Why are you so confused about which Bible is the one true Word of God? Please take a look at my sermon on the subject HERE. I hope and pray that you find it enlightening.

Yes, Pastor Ezekiel, Pastor Swaggart is a huge inspiration to me, since he has overcome the debauch of his past to become such a worthy man of God in recent years. I am sure that you are just stretching the truth a little regarding both golf playing (saved men do not play with sticks and balls; maybe y'all were quail hunting) and cheating (Pastor Swaggart's days of deceit are, like his days of lust, long since ended).

I hope it doesn't bother you to have me answer your questions out of order, but I feel that my confusion regarding the proper version of the Bible is the easier question to answer. It's simple: my nine different versions of the Bible are just leftovers from my sordid life before, when I still carried the pride to try and find answers on my own. Now, I know that the real answers can only come from other, smarter, more-favored-of-God men than me.

To tell you about myself, I'm a 34 year old man. I'm old enough to have done most of it, young enough to do it all again, but inspired enough by the Word of God to know that a repeat performance is a ticket to Hell. I am single, have never had any kids, and I know that the real First Commandment, Genesis 1:28, says that this is wrong. Since the Lord is the ruler of all heaven and earth, though, I figure that, now that I'm among His chosen ones, He'll see fit to correct my oversight in this regard.

I do not attend church because Landover is too far away and all the churches in my immediate area are presided over by gay-friendly pacifist hippy scum who preach doctrines of acceptance, tolerance, and other such Satan-hugging blasphemy.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Hello, True Christians!

Welcome, HMPB! What is your name by the way?

I'm glad you found inspiration in (my close friend for over 30 years) Rev. Jimmy Swaggart. Indeed, Rev. Swaggart is a Godly man, full of the Holy Spirit, and dedicated to preaching Jesus to the masses. As a matter of fact, Rev. Swaggart and I have many things in common....we're both televangelists, we're both named Jim, we both fell from grace after committing grave sins, and have since made a comeback. Actually, you can add Rev. Jim Bakker to all that as well (also my close friend).

If you're interested, you can read my personal story here. If you have lived a past life of sin like you've said, then you can probably relate.

Now, let me assure you...Pastor Zeke is 100% right about Rev. Swaggart's cheating tendency to give himself unfair advantages in his golf game. There's also nothing unChristian about golf. All of the pastors here at Landover play it, and every year we take a special pastor's trip aboard the church 747 to St. Andrew's in Scotland for Christian fellowship and Bible study.

Well, I hope you stick around. You have a very...flamboyant, dramatic way of writing. Have you considered becoming a televangelist?

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Hello, True Christians!

Welcome to GOD'S Favorite Forum Brother HMPB!

I'm sure the GODLY brothers here will set you on the right path to SALVATION!

GLORY!!!