Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Greetings fellow followers of the One True Faith !
My name is Reverend Jeffrey Lebowski, and I (and my lovely Christian wife, Sister Verna) are here to share the joys of the WORD incarnate via the internets.
The scent, essence, and light of Sister Betty Bowers has lead me (well... us... Sister Verna by submissive proxy) to your enlightened Forum.
Hallelujah, Praise The Lord for this electronic induced deliverance!

Like the apostles of old, I have been persecuted for leading my Flock from the darkness of those who are pharisees , secular humanist, evolutionist, democrats, socialist (same thing as democrats), and the New World Order government {ruled by uppity Chicago Darkies funded by Heebs.}, and of course the heathen States Attorneys Office.

I write to you from the County Jail , on a dingy dial-up communal computer in the jailhouse rec-room ( The Good Lord only knows why the keys are so sticky!!) I share a cramped cell with 2 vile characters. One is Bad Bob, a vulgar hulk of a sinner who has the lower bunk; and a she-male Mexi-Rican who calls himself Mary Ann. {Bad Bob says Mary Ann's' his real name is Rodrigo, and Bad Bob makes him (it) sleep on the floor; but I think Rodrigo/Mary Anne likes it that way.}

Anyways, I only have a short time each day to fellowship with ya'll cause the incarcerated scoundrel folks here want to use this computer to make dirty money, chat with what they call Hoe's(?), and cruise for visual filth. Today's computer internets time is up for me. We are having Cherry Jello in the jail cafeteria today and Bad Bob says he will not ask me to do any handi work , or what he calls hand-job stuff , if I bring him my portion. Gotta go , for now.
Hope we can apostleshipatize , latter.

Hon. Rev. Jeffery Lebowski
(Sister Verna is enjoying her freedom at the local motel watching TV)

[Bob4God]

Re: Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

Hello and welcome, fellow persecuted Christian.

As a moderator concerned for the ease of use of our boards for all members, I would ask that you post in at least size 2 font. After all, we won't all have perfect eyesight until we get to Heaven.

I'm sorry to hear that the liberal jews have put you in the slammer for worshipping CHRIST. What did you do to get tossed in jail? Our own Officer Don W. Richards might be able to get you out.

Have you and your wife made any babies for CHRIST?

[Jenni111]

Re: Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

Welcome to Gods' favorite forum!

[SUV]

Re: Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

Are you the BIG Lebowski?

If so, how is Our Lord JESUS? Still knocking them Dead?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

Welcome to God's favorite forum. I'm sure we'd all be interested in hearing your testimony in detail. What Church do you preach from, and how did you land in the hoosegow?

[Lola Handcock]

Re: Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

A friend of mine and a good Christian was jailed for no good reason.Most likely just like you
Praise Jesus that a good man like your self will be free soon

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Re: Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

Thanks be to y'all for the heartfelt WELCOME!

Wish I could have answered ya back sooner , but we have been in cell block "lock-down" since I last posted.

Here is what happened:
Saturday I heard what sounded like the jail-cell toilet talking in tongues. Mary Ann said she (it) heard it too. Bad Bob started getting real upset , cause he thought it was the voices in his head getting ready to tell him to do something real BAD, again.
It turns out that it was voices coming from the next cell. There are several negro mooslims in there, and a couple times a day they start to praying to their Satan prophet. Mary Ann says they have to squat down on a little doormat and look to the East and mumble incantations. Well, exactly where they were mumbling their curses is the corner wall opposite our toilet. Bad Bob , yelled at the head negro mooslim (he goes by the name Rasheed) to shut the **** up.

Next day when we got marched into the cafeteria, Rasheed was there with his stupid bow-tie and funny doily hat on. We were in line for lunch {it was pork chops and apple sauce, and that is Bad Bobs' favorite cause his Mama used to make it when she was sober}.
Rasheed told Bab Bob that it was unclean to eat pork and then said he would go to hell. That upset Bad Bob cause he wasn't to happy to begin with (remember the talking toilet incident?) and who the heck is Rasheed to spoil a good pork chop dinner?

Bad Bob wapped Rasheed upside the head with a lunch tray and then jammed a pork chop so far into his big lipped mouth that Rasheed turned purple. He used to be a brown-bag creamy colored negro; but after choking on that chop, he turned Sambo blue-gum purple!
Rasheed is in the infirmary and Bad Bob is in solitary so I have some time to answer a few of your questions.

I am a Baptist. Started out 11th Street Baptist when I was night manager at Steak & Shake, and then moved UP to Pastoraling at the prestigious Main Street Baptist when I married Sister Verna (Main Street Baptist has a jumbo-tron TV and wirelesses microphones for preaching!... 11th Street didn't have squat but a plywood podium and a junk hi-fi system) . I got the Reverending job thru Sister Vernas' cousin Reverend Lester Dill.

Sister Verna and I have not yet produced offspring...
now it is NOT the fault of my virilent seed that will forcefully emanate from my girthy loins with such great abundance, so as to likely produce a might Sampson of a son worthy of me to pass my lineage on to..... Nope, I suspect the years (well decades) that separate the ages of Sister Verna and Me is stunting our ability to multiply.
{But , I have a PLAN!!).

My Bible, is the Gideon. My TV choice is Fox News, my heroes are Rush Limbaugh and Sister Sarah Palin , and... RATS! Gotta go now. Guard sez' times up. I will get back here and tell y'all how I came to be in such a sordid pit of humanity.

Blessings and Prosperity to y'all (my new friends) and can any of ya send me some money for cigarettes?
Reverend Jeffrey Lebowski
Sister Verna too! {although I ain't heard from her for a while.}

[Nobar King]

Re: Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

They have jails with internet access? Where is this?

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Re: Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

Brother Nobar King ~
a) Glasscock County jail.
That is where I am . Real pit of human effluvium.
Internets is AOL and faint tag on keyboards says.... Commadoree?.
Jimmy (the convicted bank embezzler in Cell-127) says we got internets' cause a big city rich guy was hauled in on Sheriff Dobbs speed trap , and his hooked-nosed lawyer was raisin' heck about attorney client privilege, and timely access to appeals stuff ...blah... blah anyways the County spent a bunch of NObamas stimulants money and got us 'detainees' this 'access'; and also a new big screen plasma TV for the mayor, new Iphones for the secretaries, Jenny Craig memberships for the sheriffs' Masonic friends, and ….

Oh, how I got in this cesspool in the first place?
Testimony: Well, it started with them rotten little Birkemper twins.
Duane and his sister Tanya.

Duane was always the worst of the two. When Sister Verna and I had the delux double-wide in the Princess Jodi Mobile Home Village, it was Duane who stuck an obscene appendage on our yard elf, and made the pink flamingos look like they was diddling themselves. He would sniff paint under an abandoned trailer, then the boy could really howl and preach the Word like a little Marjoe Gortner. Kid had potential.
Sadly, without that bag of silver paint he just didn't have the Spirit, and was mostly a gothie-vamp lookin' slacker.

Anyways, I was over at the mullet-heads trailer. {It is the entrepreneurial laboratory of two wonderful fellows, Scooter and Tweek.} I was needing to trade a case of sudafeds for some of the special Made In USA medicine that Sister Verna loves. Nobody was home , so as I was leaving, when Duane and Tanya pulled up.

Bad Luck (or pesky demons) would have it and Duane's car started smokin' oil and belching fire. They asked for a ride, and me being a Preacher …. and Tanya was looking quite angelic in her halter top and pagan shorts.... and likely in need of some salvation, so I gave them a ride. We stopped to get some cigs' at the 7-11 store and that fool Duane shoplifted some wine (unbeknownst to me). As we was pulling away, the sheriff lit-up-red and I pulled me over. Them nasty little Birkemper twins bolted out of my car faster than greased hogs and I bought the tickets and wore the bracelet.

Now, it seems there was some major complications concerning the title to the Cadillac Escalade I was driving. Thus the Genesis of my persecution.

Sister Verna's' cousin, remember Reverend Lester Dill? Well Rev. Lester, like any well blessed Pastor of the Flock, also has a used car dealership. Rev. Lester told me that Widow Hollis was getting the wacky Alzheimer's so bad she shouldn't be driving her late husbands Caddy.
I am quite sure that writing and signing in tongues is all the same thing and thus equal to talking in tongues , so in a fit of Divine Inspiration I righteously interpreted Widow Hollis' intentions and signed title of the Caddy over to the Lord (with me as ministerial power of attorney, so to speak).
This blessing was bountiful for all of us! Me, Sister Verna, and the Widow Hollis. I even brought a weekly bag of potatoes and adult diapers to the Widow so she could feed and not soil herself excessively ; and the Escalade was further used in my Ministry to search for other needy widows and maybe some orphans too. Yep, that's why the Lord gave me that vehicle. To do His work; to drive thru the Land Of Gentiles, kinda like the Apostle Paul did. Using a Caddy instead of a donkey.

But the Widow Hollis's estranged daughter didn't see it that way. She is a Lutheran and ya know how they can be..

Rats ~~ time to go, and I was just getting started.

Sisters Jeni~SUV~and Lola: could you possibly send me some photos of yourselves, maybe frolicking in a swimming pool , or laying on the beach? I long so much for bright sunshine and the cool memories of quiet swims after Baptisms, that; well it would sooth my soul greatly to see images of yourselves enjoying such hot.... sweaty.... sticky.... summer activities. The hotter... the wetter... the better.... Oh, I do long for those Baptismal days!)

Blessings to all my new friends!
Rev Jeffrey Lebowski
Sister Verna Too! {She is here, pressing her hand on the visiting room glass, hope she brought the tithe box!}

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Glory Be ! I have arrived at the promised land.

Welcome, Rev. Lebowski. You sure can spin quite a yarn. It sounds like your life is a bit tumultuous right now, but rest assured that the Lord in Heaven is looking out for you. I, too, had to take the perp walk. I was in the Federal Pen for 15 years after being busted for fraud, embezzlement, tax evasion, and money laundering (at least that's how the feds saw it. It really was a case of a simple accounting error or two, really). In prison I rededicated myself to Christ and my life has been uphill ever since.

Just keep your head up, my brother, and don't let the big house get you down. I'll pray for you.