Hello

[down_with_satan]

Hello to everyone here at Landover.
I'm new, not only to this forum, but also to the religion.
I've recently become a True Christian (with the exception of tithing, because I'm currently unemployed and my parents don't want to give money to a church that they do not attend).
I saved up my allowance to buy myself the KJV1611 Bible, but while I was in the process of moving into a new home with my parents, the moving men lost the box that it was in (I had just started to read Genesis). So, now I'm currently saving up as much as I can to buy another one (which will stay with me AT ALL TIMES). This will be hard because I'm currently grounded for calling my parents Satanists. I'm not supposed to be on the computer right now, but they've already gone to bed.
I will graduate from my secular high school next year, so hopefully I will move out of my parents home for good and start living with a nice, wealthy, True Christian man (if I should find one by then).

I hope that I'll be accepted into this fine community and make wonderful friends here.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello

Hello to everyone here at Landover.
I'm new, not only to this forum, but also to the religion.
I've recently become a True Christian (with the exception of tithing, because I'm currently unemployed and my parents don't want to give money to a church that they do not attend).
I saved up my allowance to buy myself the KJV1611 Bible, but while I was in the process of moving into a new home with my parents, the moving men lost the box that it was in (I had just started to read Genesis). So, now I'm currently saving up as much as I can to buy another one (which will stay with me AT ALL TIMES). This will be hard because I'm currently grounded for calling my parents Satanists. I'm not supposed to be on the computer right now, but they've already gone to bed.
I will graduate from my secular high school next year, so hopefully I will move out of my parents home for good and start living with a nice, wealthy, True Christian man (if I should find one by then).

I hope that I'll be accepted into this fine community and make wonderful friends here.

Welcome son. But you are not a True Christian™ until Jesus tells us that you are. Until your file from the DOF comes in, you will remain classified as unsaved trash. I hope you understand.

Have you studied the Holy Bible? Want to share with us you favorite scriptures?

As for tithing, Jesus is quite clear on the fact that He expects the poor to tithe everything they own.

Mark 12:41 And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much. Mark 12:42 And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing. Mark 12:43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury: Mark 12:44 For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Hello

I'm new, not only to this forum, but also to the religion.

Well Praise Jesus, you have come to the right place! You are like a young seedling ready to burst into bloom for the Lord, and we are the watering pot that is so desperately needed. Congratulations on finding the right place

I've recently become a True Christian

We'll be the judge of that -- remember: pride cometh before the fall. I suggest you let us (and Jesus) make that decision.

(with the exception of tithing,

And the truth comes out. You are robbing Jesus of your money, I hope you know. I suggest you find some credit cards ASAP!

because I'm currently unemployed and my parents don't want to give money to a church that they do not attend).

Friend, when you find Jesus, you are to hate your parents. Remember what Jesus said: if you don't hate your parents, He can't bring you to Heaven!

I saved up my allowance to buy myself the KJV1611 Bible, but while I was in the process of moving into a new home with my parents,

Allowance? You do realize that this is just setting you on the track for becoming a panty-wasted Democrat, right? The "handout" type? True Christians are employed, my friend!

the moving men lost the box that it was in (I had just started to read Genesis). So, now I'm currently saving up as much as I can to buy another one (which will stay with me AT ALL TIMES).

You trusted the Mexicans with the Word of God? My friend, Jesus didn't give the Holy Bible to King James instead of some beaner because He liked fish & chips! Never, ever trust a Mexican with anything! He'll rob you (and/or Jesus) without a second thought!

This will be hard because I'm currently grounded for calling my parents Satanists. I'm not supposed to be on the computer right now, but they've already gone to bed.

Well you're on the right track. Remember, if you love your parents, you are destined for Hell. Jesus requires no less than outright hatred!

I will graduate from my secular high school next year

Have you not applied for a transfer to Landover Academy for the Saved? We have an excellent remedial program for filthy sinners such as yourself!

so hopefully I will move out of my parents home for good and start living with a nice, wealthy, True Christian man (if I should find one by then).

We have an abundance of eligible bachelors here -- I am sure you will find a husband to govern over you and to help you with your already-slim chance for Salvation. I suggest you listen to every command of our Godly Pastors and not sass back any more than your womanly self can help.

I hope that I'll be accepted into this fine community and make wonderful friends here.

Well that will depend on you! Are you going to sit there and cheat God out of His weekly payments, or are you going to find some credit cards and/or a Godly Man who can afford a healthy Tithing Plan. We have no qualms about hating people who cheat God out of a living -- our fleet of Lear jets don't run on water you know! Our Jews will alert us as soon as your tithing check clear, and then we can talk about Salvation plans...

[down_with_satan]

Re: Hello

Welcome son. But you are not a True Christian™ until Jesus tells us that you are. Until your file from the DOF comes in, you will remain classified as unsaved trash. I hope you understand.

Have you studied the Holy Bible? Want to share with us you favorite scriptures?

As for tithing, Jesus is quite clear on the fact that He expects the poor to tithe everything they own.

Mark 12:41 And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much. Mark 12:42 And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing. Mark 12:43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury: Mark 12:44 For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.

I'm a woman.
I had started reading the Holy Bible when the moving men lost the box that I had put it in. So, unfortunately, I cannot give any scriptures. I have, however, been searching through the Landover Baptist website and realized that I needed to be Saved before it was too late.

Do you mind if I ask, what is the DOF?

Have you not applied for a transfer to Landover Academy for the Saved? We have an excellent remedial program for filthy sinners such as yourself!

I would transfer, but I live in Texas (although I would rather live in Freehold, Iowa).

You trusted the Mexicans with the Word of God? My friend, Jesus didn't give the Holy Bible to King James instead of some beaner because He liked fish & chips! Never, ever trust a Mexican with anything! He'll rob you (and/or Jesus) without a second thought!

It was my parents idea to hire moving men. I'm just happy that I had a suitcase with my "unmentionables" with me (my mother and sister, on the other hand, had a few of theirs stolen right out of the boxes).

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Hello

I'm a woman.
I had started reading the Holy Bible when the moving men lost the box that I had put it in. So, unfortunately, I cannot give any scriptures. I have, however, been searching through the Landover Baptist website and realized that I needed to be Saved before it was too late.

Well there may be hope for you yet! At least you realize that you are a filthy piece of unsaved trash, unworthy of tainting God's glorious creation!

Do you mind if I ask, what is the DOF?

The D.O.F. is the Department of Faith, set up by George W. Bush immediately following 9/11™. It is a transparent form of government answering only to God that is intended to conduct surveillance on all potential terrorists (non-Christians). Its documentation is more than that of the NSA, CIA and FBI put together. Before we can certify that someone is indeed a True Christian™ and not a liar, we must search through all of your history, including your past tithing history, grocery stores that you frequent and how much time per week you have spent in God's Word.

It was my parents idea to hire moving men. I'm just happy that I had a suitcase with my "unmentionables" with me (my mother and sister, on the other hand, had a few of theirs stolen right out of the boxes).

You gotta watch those beaners -- they have a sick fascination with women's unementionables. I think they learn it from the nigra bucks that they sell drugs to.

[angelique_of_the_damned44]

Re: Hello

Welcome.
I hope you have a lot of fun here.
I'm sorry to hear about your Bible being stolen and all that. I think there are links somewhere on here for an online version. That could help you out.

The D.O.F. is the Department of Faith, set up by George W. Bush immediately following 9/11™. It is a transparent form of government answering only to God that is intended to conduct surveillance on all potential terrorists (non-Christians). Its documentation is more than that of the NSA, CIA and FBI put together. Before we can certify that someone is indeed a True Christian™ and not a liar, we must search through all of your history, including your past tithing history, grocery stores that you frequent and how much time per week you have spent in God's Word.

I didn't know that. I thought it was just something you guys made up. Oh, well.

[down_with_satan]

Re: Hello

Thank you, Angelique, although it sounds like you need to read the Bible and accept Jesus yourself. Unless you want to be tortured for eternity in hellfire.

[Unsaved and Loving It]

Re: Hello

The D.O.F. is the Department of Faith, set up by George W. Bush immediately following 9/11™. It is a transparent form of government answering only to God that is intended to conduct surveillance on all potential terrorists (non-Christians). Its documentation is more than that of the NSA, CIA and FBI put together. Before we can certify that someone is indeed a True Christian™ and not a liar, we must search through all of your history, including your past tithing history, grocery stores that you frequent and how much time per week you have spent in God's Word.

Well, I'll say this for the DoF. They ain't the most accurate folk in the intelligence business.

[angelique_of_the_damned44]

Re: Hello

Thank you, Angelique, although it sounds like you need to read the Bible and accept Jesus yourself. Unless you want to be tortured for eternity in hellfire.

That's a little hostile, don't ya think? I was just trying to help you out and welcome you.
I guess some people don't like a kind gesture.

[Joo (Quarantined)]

Re: Hello

Friend, when you find Jesus, you are to hate your parents. Remember what Jesus said: if you don't hate your parents, He can't bring you to Heaven!

...

Well you're on the right track. Remember, if you love your parents, you are destined for Hell. Jesus requires no less than outright hatred!

Whatever happened to "Honor thy Father and thy Mother"?

And don't tell me you can honor someone while hating them, those to things don't go together.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello

Whatever happened to "Honor thy Father and thy Mother"?

And don't tell me you can honor someone while hating them, those to things don't go together.

No, of course not. No one can tell you anything, can they.

You are truly a fool, boy. Satan is going to have plenty of fun with you.

It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.
For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fool: this also is vanity.
Ecclesiastes 7:5-6

[Joo (Quarantined)]

Re: Hello

No, of course not. No one can tell you anything, can they.

You are truly a fool, boy. Satan is going to have plenty of fun with you.

It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.
For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fool: this also is vanity.
Ecclesiastes 7:5-6

Actually plenty of people can tell me plenty of stuff, they do all the time. The difference is what they tell me actually you know...is valid.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Hello

And since when have you become the arbiter of what is "valid" and what is not? Were you around at the beginning of the Universe to see what happened?

[Joo (Quarantined)]

Re: Hello

And since when have you become the arbiter of what is "valid" and what is not? Were you around at the beginning of the Universe to see what happened?

Were you?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello

Were you?

God was there, and He told us all about it. Try reading the Holy KJV1611 Bible.