My God Blessed Greetings To You All

[The Widow Anna]

Dearest Landover Baptists,

It's most touching to find a forum of dedicated Christians such as yourselves, where I feel free to be my true, heartily faithful self.
You may address me as Ms Anti-Anathema or ma'am, as my station befits. I am not stranger to the punishments of the Lord our God and Saviour as my husband passed away a mere four years ago, whilst in the arms of a satanic temptress known to me only as Candi.

It is believed while struggling to escape her inappropriate and slatternly embrace, he fell and while doing so, slipped from his freshly starched and laundered clothes, leaving him in what appeared to be a compromising situation. Whilst in this position he inhaled deeply, causing Candi's peroxide blonde hair to lodge in his airways and sadly causing his untimely death by suffocation. We are all susceptible to sin and my dearest Able was an upstanding and righteous man, firmly enforcing his proper Christian position as man in the household.

Now I am widowed I like to spend my time at home polishing Able's obelisk, attending Church most days, keeping the house tidy and neat, as my dearest and ever-wise Able would have wanted and keeping up to date with my fellow Christians on this new invention, the internet. Praise be to you all and I look forward to knowing you better,

Thank-you and God Bless,

Ms Anti-Anathema

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

Dearest Landover Baptists,

It's most touching to find a forum of dedicated Christians such as yourselves, where I feel free to be my true, heartily faithful self.
You may address me as Ms Anti-Anathema or ma'am, as my station befits. I am not stranger to the punishments of the Lord our God and Saviour as my husband passed away a mere four years ago, whilst in the arms of a satanic temptress known to me only as Candi.

It is believed while struggling to escape her inappropriate and slatternly embrace, he fell and while doing so, slipped from his freshly starched and laundered clothes, leaving him in what appeared to be a compromising situation. Whilst in this position he inhaled deeply, causing Candi's peroxide blonde hair to lodge in his airways and sadly causing his untimely death by suffocation. We are all susceptible to sin and my dearest Able was an upstanding and righteous man, firmly enforcing his proper Christian position as man in the household.

Now I am widowed I like to spend my time at home polishing Able's obelisk, attending Church most days, keeping the house tidy and neat, as my dearest and ever-wise Able would have wanted and keeping up to date with my fellow Christians on this new invention, the internet. Praise be to you all and I look forward to knowing you better,

Thank-you and God Bless,

Ms Anti-Anathema

You aren't a mary worshiper are you? That photo of you looks alot like you're praying to a fistful of beads...

Please share with us which version of the Holy Bible you read, your favorite verses, and which church you attend.

Did your late husband leave you well off?

[The Widow Anna]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

You aren't a mary worshiper are you? That photo of you looks alot like you're praying to a fistful of beads...

Please share with us which version of the Holy Bible you read, your favorite verses, and which church you attend.

Did your late husband leave you well off?

Fear not, well-learned Pastor, I am merely showing my agonising grief whilst holding the bootlace my late husband used to tie me to the bed posts when I did disobey his word.

I read the only version fit for my unintelligent and easily-tempted female eyes, the Parson's Bible for Widowed Women 2nd Edition. It has taught me my duties as a Christian woman well. My favourite verses, I dare not share with one so well versed in Christian ways as you, as I may only show flaws in my humble female knowledge. The church I attend is the Holy Cross of the Flaming Right-Hand Trinity, firm believers in our Lord and the 'invisible hand' of the economy.

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God”.

Thankfully, as a woman with a lithe figure and rather a large monetary privilege, I should find it easy to enter the kingdom of God, considering I have also donated substantially to the Our Lord Saviour Benefit Fund for those Suffering Under Sufferance fund.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

The only TRUE version of the Bible is the Authorized KJV1611. All others are false scripture.

If you are going to quote scripture, then at least give us chapter and verse. There are plenty of false "feelgood" Christians who lurk on these internets, seeking to decieve us with their salad-bar concept of God's Holy Word.

And as you say you are well-off, you'll have no trouble clicking on that shiny Paypal button at the bottom of this page, so as to make a robust love offering to God's favorite church.

While I welcome you here and hope that you will find Jesus, I have always been suspicious of widows and orphans.

1 Timothy 5:9 Let not a widow be taken into the number under threescore years old, having been the wife of one man.
5:10 Well reported of for good works; if she have brought up children, if she have lodged strangers, if she have washed the saints' feet, if she have relieved the afflicted, if she have diligently followed every good work.
5:11 But the younger widows refuse: for when they have begun to wax wanton against Christ, they will marry;
5:12 Having damnation, because they have cast off their first faith.
5:13 And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.
5:14 I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
5:15 For some are already turned aside after Satan.
5:16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed.
5:17 Let the elders that rule well be counted worthy of double honour, especially they who labour in the word and doctrine.
5:18 For the scripture saith, Thou shalt not muzzle the ox that treadeth out the corn. And, The labourer is worthy of his reward.
5:19 Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

Fear not, well-learned Pastor, I am merely showing my agonising grief whilst holding the bootlace my late husband used to tie me to the bed posts when I did disobey his word.

I read the only version fit for my unintelligent and easily-tempted female eyes, the Parson's Bible for Widowed Women 2nd Edition. It has taught me my duties as a Christian woman well. My favourite verses, I dare not share with one so well versed in Christian ways as you, as I may only show flaws in my humble female knowledge. The church I attend is the Holy Cross of the Flaming Right-Hand Trinity, firm believers in our Lord and the 'invisible hand' of the economy.

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God”.

Thankfully, as a woman with a lithe figure and rather a large monetary privilege, I should find it easy to enter the kingdom of God, considering I have also donated substantially to the Our Lord Saviour Benefit Fund for those Suffering Under Sufferance fund.

Is your so-called "Bible" written on a rag? Why are the margins all wrong? The Bible is not some book of poetry written by a nancy-boy like "Poe"... God aligned His Writing to the left-hand side of the paper, shouldn't you?

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

Have you always been a feminazi? Do you cut your hair short and wear a lot of flannel and denim? If not, then why do you insist on using the made-up "Ms."? No True Christian™ will ever call you that. We will call you Miss or Mrs., whichever is appropriate, and as you are a widow, that will be Mrs. in deference to the late Mr. Anti-Anathema.
It would also do you good to show a little humility and try to stand out on the strength of what you write in the name of Jesus, not by center formatting a bunch of bolded text.

[Tobin]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

Have you always been a feminazi? Do you cut your hair short and wear a lot of flannel and denim? If not, then why do you insist on using the made-up "Ms."? No True Christian™ will ever call you that. We will call you Miss or Mrs., whichever is appropriate, and as you are a widow, that will be Mrs. in deference to the late Mr. Anti-Anathema.
It would also do you good to show a little humility and try to stand out on the strength of what you write in the name of Jesus, not by center formatting a bunch of bolded text.

Indeed, Sister Mary! "Ms" leads to "Ms-ery"! Not to mention lesbianism, abortion and mixed-race dancing!

[The Widow Anna]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

The only TRUE version of the Bible is the Authorized KJV1611. All others are false scripture.

I have much to learn from the Landover Baptists, as the Holy Cross of the Flaming Right-Hand Trinity neglected to mention to me this important information. I shall heed your word and acquire such addition.

While I welcome you here and hope that you will find Jesus, I have always been suspicious of widows and orphans.

Sadly, I had no choice in the matter of becoming a widow, but I shall do my utmost to stay free of sin, in both the eyes of God and the Landover Baptist church.

Is your so-called "Bible" written on a rag? Why are the margins all wrong? The Bible is not some book of poetry written by a nancy-boy like "Poe"... God aligned His Writing to the left-hand side of the paper, shouldn't you?

Evidently, my prior learning regarding font alignment within the forums of God was incorrect. As the left is predominantly associated with evil and the like, I presumed the center would be an acceptable positioning for my text, as to show my mere humanity and preference for nor the left or right. I shall not continue to align my text so any longer.

Have you always been a feminazi? Do you cut your hair short and wear a lot of flannel and denim? If not, then why do you insist on using the made-up "Ms."? No True Christian™ will ever call you that. We will call you Miss or Mrs., whichever is appropriate, and as you are a widow, that will be Mrs. in deference to the late Mr. Anti-Anathema.
It would also do you good to show a little humility and try to stand out on the strength of what you write in the name of Jesus, not by center formatting a bunch of bolded text.

When filling in my church register form for my new found status as widow, I was unable to fit the entirety of my correct title into the space on the form. Having decided it was entirely unacceptable to revert to my maiden name, I discussed the matter with the church officials. After a long and trying conference we decided a small shortening of my title would prevent unseemly cramped writing on the church's papers. I apologise for my indiscretions and intend to work on becoming a true and pure Christian woman, such as yourself Sister.

[Talitha]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

I'd better say "Welcome" Sister.
You show some promise, and with the proper supervision we can Beat talk some True Christian™ sense into you yet.

[The Widow Anna]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

I'd better say "Welcome" Sister.
You show some promise, and with the proper supervision we can Beat talk some True Christian™ sense into you yet.

Thank-you Sister, I am now more aware of the rigours of the Landover Baptist Church and intend to better equip myself with knowledge gleaned from your enlightening forums and the well learned members of the congregation, such as yourself.

As my late husband used to say, 'A little beating tends to go astray, but a true beating stays in the mind for many a day'. I am no newcomer to corporal punishment to make God's lessons stick, so I believe I shall be accustomed to your methods of teaching our Saviour's lessons.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

Evidently, my prior learning regarding font alignment within the forums of God was incorrect. As the left is predominantly associated with evil and the like, I presumed the center would be an acceptable positioning for my text, as to show my mere humanity and preference for nor the left or right.

Why would you have "preference for neither the left nor the right"? Are you suggesting there's no difference between George Bush and Hitlery Clinton? Karl Marx and Karl Rove? Pat Robertson and Valerie Solanos? God and the Devil? What's wrong with you, woman?

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

When filling in my church register form for my new found status as widow, I was unable to fit the entirety of my correct title into the space on the form. Having decided it was entirely unacceptable to revert to my maiden name, I discussed the matter with the church officials. After a long and trying conference we decided a small shortening of my title would prevent unseemly cramped writing on the church's papers. I apologise for my indiscretions and intend to work on becoming a true and pure Christian woman, such as yourself Sister.

I don't know what "church" officials you were speaking to, but they certainly weren't True Christians™! My word, you certain came here in the nick of time! No pastor who was truly walking with Jesus would ever decide that "Ms." was ever appropriate. Well, you're here now, and I'm certain that if you ask one of our fine, manly True Christian™ pastors, one of them can fix that for you and make it either "Mrs. Anti-Anathema" or, space permitting, "The Widow Anti-Anathema".

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

Urgh, the bolded text is really a bit much, but I see that's already been pointed out.


So many people wanting to join Landover church signing up. When will some more clever heathens sign up?

[Brother Temperance]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

When will some more clever heathens sign up?

When pigs fly, hens lay soft-boiled eggs, the sun shines on the cigarette trees, and Catholics follow God's commands, that's when!

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: My God Blessed Greetings To You All

When pigs fly, hens lay soft-boiled eggs, the sun shines on the cigarette trees, and Catholics follow God's commands, that's when!

That's rather rude, Mister Temperance.