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Greetings Brethren and Sistren,
I'm new to these parts. My name is Hallalujah Plurtman, Hal for short.
I'm 43 years old and have spent most of that time stumbling around in the dark looking for the truth. I was originally know as Felix Plurtman, but that was when I was blinded by my papist upbringing.
I was a good Catholic and thought I was a good Christian. I went to mass. I prayed to Mary instead of God. I ate crackers and pretended I was eating Jesus. I flirted back when the priests would give me longing stares.
Not that it was all Satanry. The fondest memories of my youth involved picketing the local abortion clinic. I still remember the look that 12 year old whore gave me as her tears and my spit ran down her face. When I busted her jaw a moment later, I felt God's presence coarsing through my body.
When the afterglow faded, though, I did feel a little empty inside. Here I was doing God's work, while the most prominent member of our parish, a US Senator, was doing his darndest to keep the baby murder coming. One day, after mass, I asked the pastor why he was allowing baby-killing Democrats in God's house. He told me he'd be happy to discuss it with me back at the rectory later on, and asked if I could stop off to pick up some Vaseline and amyl nitrate on the way over.
The next morning I still didn't have any answers...or my pants. Undeterred, I dove headfirst into Republican politics and got a job working for the local Republican congressman. It was an exciting time as I did my small part for the Reagan Revolution.
I didn't get the same visceral rush as I did beating pregnant whores for Jesus, but I did feel the Lord's hand guiding me as I helped to empower banks to oversee themselves instead of having big government do it.
Despite what those liberal commie pinkos say, I know for a fact it was the right move. Every banker I empowered had to be a true Christian, because they certainly received the vast financial blessings God promises his true followers.
Helping these Godly men reap their rewards was a true blessing, but eventally I discovered that the Republican congressman I had spent years working for, was a supporter of baby-killing. It turned out he was one of those "moderates" who loved baby murder as much as he loved Reagan.
It was too much to bear. I left my job and slid into a secular humanist lifestyle. I consumed alcohol, allowed women to sass me without keeping them in line with my fist. and engaged in premarital fornication with my hand.
I was in a world of trouble, until I came upon the Landover Baptist Church website. Finally there was a church for people who loved Jesus the right way, and didn't have time for those who don't. I feel truly reborn in the spirit.
Hallalujah!
Yours in Christ,
Hal
I'm new to these parts. My name is Hallalujah Plurtman, Hal for short.
I'm 43 years old and have spent most of that time stumbling around in the dark looking for the truth. I was originally know as Felix Plurtman, but that was when I was blinded by my papist upbringing.
I was a good Catholic and thought I was a good Christian. I went to mass. I prayed to Mary instead of God. I ate crackers and pretended I was eating Jesus. I flirted back when the priests would give me longing stares.
Not that it was all Satanry. The fondest memories of my youth involved picketing the local abortion clinic. I still remember the look that 12 year old whore gave me as her tears and my spit ran down her face. When I busted her jaw a moment later, I felt God's presence coarsing through my body.
When the afterglow faded, though, I did feel a little empty inside. Here I was doing God's work, while the most prominent member of our parish, a US Senator, was doing his darndest to keep the baby murder coming. One day, after mass, I asked the pastor why he was allowing baby-killing Democrats in God's house. He told me he'd be happy to discuss it with me back at the rectory later on, and asked if I could stop off to pick up some Vaseline and amyl nitrate on the way over.
The next morning I still didn't have any answers...or my pants. Undeterred, I dove headfirst into Republican politics and got a job working for the local Republican congressman. It was an exciting time as I did my small part for the Reagan Revolution.
I didn't get the same visceral rush as I did beating pregnant whores for Jesus, but I did feel the Lord's hand guiding me as I helped to empower banks to oversee themselves instead of having big government do it.
Despite what those liberal commie pinkos say, I know for a fact it was the right move. Every banker I empowered had to be a true Christian, because they certainly received the vast financial blessings God promises his true followers.
Helping these Godly men reap their rewards was a true blessing, but eventally I discovered that the Republican congressman I had spent years working for, was a supporter of baby-killing. It turned out he was one of those "moderates" who loved baby murder as much as he loved Reagan.
It was too much to bear. I left my job and slid into a secular humanist lifestyle. I consumed alcohol, allowed women to sass me without keeping them in line with my fist. and engaged in premarital fornication with my hand.
I was in a world of trouble, until I came upon the Landover Baptist Church website. Finally there was a church for people who loved Jesus the right way, and didn't have time for those who don't. I feel truly reborn in the spirit.
Hallalujah!
Yours in Christ,
Hal
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