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  • #1

    Hello, friends!

    I do believe I am a True Christian.

    I wanted to make acquaintance with all my brothers and sisters. I joined because a friend sent me a notice of this forum here, and my father (for I am yet unwed, he is on the hunt for a True Christian man, only of the purest blood) has given me permission to post.

    And then I saw all this calamity over the poor "emo" children who are godless and unloved.

    And please, friends, I beg of you to open your arms and your heart, for since you are all so pure and full of Christian good, perhaps we can yet save them. We cannot be corrupted, for we are nestled so comfortably in God's hand.

    May the Lord Jesus Christ bless you a thousand times over!
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Hello, friends!

    Please tell us about yourself. What church does your father take you to? How old are you? What's your best pie?

    If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

    If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

    You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

    Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Hello, friends!

      My father, bless his lost soul, does not take us to church. Rather, we spend each day reading Bible passages and reciting hymns every hour for 15 minutes, while my father is home. When he is at work, my sister and I follow the same schedule devoutly.

      Here is my history:

      My mother died a week after my sister, who is 10, was born. This left my grandmother and my father in the house, along with my sister and I. I was six. I am now 16. I was supposed to have a brother three years younger, but he caught ill shortly after birth and passed.
      Two years ago, my grandmother had passed. Thankfully, she has taught my sister and I so much about being a good housewife. Ever since I have been able to grasp the concept of kneading dough, I have been spending most of my time in the kitchen, cooking many a meal.
      When we used to attend church, my sister, grandmother and I would spend the entirety of Saturday cooking, for the weekly luncheon held after worship.
      Now, all my father does is read the Bible, work, eat, and sleep. On Saturdays he goes out to find suitors for my sister and I... but he hasn't had such luck.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Hello, friends!

        Why don't you attend church? Which Bible verson does your father have you read? Does he at least beat you regularly, as the Bible commands?
        Who Will Jesus Damn?

        Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

        Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

        Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Hello, friends!

          Where does he go to find suitors for you on a Saturday night?

          Why not find some nice boys at church?
          Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Hello, friends!

            Oh, I forgot to mention my best pie.

            In my small town in rural Massachusetts, I am actually the winner of best blueberry-raspberry pie.
            Many a man has complimented my father on it, however they've already been married and had no room to take me.


            He doesn't take us to church simply because I suppose he believes that he can do just as well a job as a Pastor could. And that is where I end my comments on that.

            He beats us often. Before he departs to his room, he inspects the house. If something is wrong, my sister and I get ten back lashes for each mistake he finds.
            It hurts, but I do know that the Bible commands it.

            We've had many various versions in our home, but the one my father approves of is the King James Bible.

            And he does not say where he goes to find suitors. I know he simply goes, and on a Monday night he will bring the best he could find around, to sample my finest cooking. Unfortunately, I've only had one come by, and he actually passed on before he could make a decision. He was killed by some lunatic Atheist, my father tells me.

            Comment

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