Hello I'm New Here

[RobbyScott]

I joined this site in order to learn more about Jesus and Christianity from people that interpret the Bible literally instead of twisting scripture. I never have been a True Believer and I am not sure how well I will get along here. As for my introduction, my name is Robert and I am from Maryland. My only real christian influence was my grandmother who was a devout Southern Baptist. I have never regularly attended a church so I will not say that I go to one. My favorite bible verse is Philippians 4:13, and I thank you for accepting me into this congregation.

[Bob4God]

Re: Hello I'm New Here

I joined this site in order to learn more about Jesus and Christianity from people that interpret the Bible literally instead of twisting scripture. I never have been a True Believer and I am not sure how well I will get along here. As for my introduction, my name is Robert and I am from Maryland. My only real christian influence was my grandmother who was a devout Southern Baptist. I have never regularly attended a church so I will not say that I go to one. My favorite bible verse is Philippians 4:13, and I thank you for accepting me into this congregation.

Let's get one thing straight:

We haven't accepted you into our congregation. We don't know anything about you except that you're an unbeliever!

Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us. - 2 Thessalonians 3:6

As if that weren't enough to bar you from entering our congregation, who knows what else might be wrong with you!

Are your genitals damaged?

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. - Deuteronomy 23:1

Are you a bastard?

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD. - Deuteronomy 23:2

Please, tell us more about yourself.

[HTannor]

Re: Hello I'm New Here

Well, RobbyIII, let me be among the first to respond to you.

Since you're not a true believer (as opposed to the honorific True Christian™) your path here will be long and rigorous.

I suggest you immediately repair to a bible and book emporium and secure a copy of the King James Version 1611. Then get thee into a prayer closet and spend time reading that Good Book from cover to cover.

You didn't mention if your grandmother is still alive but did tell us of her Southern Baptist leanings. I always found Southern Baptists to be entirely too liberal for my tastes, so if the old broad has croaked at least you will free of her influences.

[RobbyScott]

Re: Hello I'm New Here

Let's get one thing straight:

We haven't accepted you into our congregation. We don't know anything about you except that you're an unbeliever!

Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us. - 2 Thessalonians 3:6

As if that weren't enough to bar you from entering our congregation, who knows what else might be wrong with you!

Are your genitals damaged?

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. - Deuteronomy 23:1

Are you a bastard?

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD. - Deuteronomy 23:2

Please, tell us more about yourself.

No my genitals aren't damaged and I am not a bastard

[RobbyScott]

Re: Hello I'm New Here

Well, RobbyIII, let me be among the first to respond to you.

Since you're not a true believer (as opposed to the honorific True Christian™) your path here will be long and rigorous.

I suggest you immediately repair to a bible and book emporium and secure a copy of the King James Version 1611. Then get thee into a prayer closet and spend time reading that Good Book from cover to cover.

You didn't mention if your grandmother is still alive but did tell us of her Southern Baptist leanings. I always found Southern Baptists to be entirely too liberal for my tastes, so if the old broad has croaked at least you will free of her influences.

I didn't expect to be immediately accepted, that was a poor choice of words.

I will indeed do that.

I probably should have explained that was really the only church I had been exposed to, and yes my grandmother has passed on. She never seemed overly liberal to me and despite that you may not have completely agreed with her I do hope that you believed that she should have exposed me to the church anyway. Also one of my grandmothers friends told our family that before she passed she was going to go to a new church.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello I'm New Here

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Hello I'm New Here

Robby, please schedule an appointment with a Landover pastor as soon as possible so he can inspect your genitals and verify nothing's been altered.