Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

[Jared Beacon]

A bit about me,

I am a 36 year old ecclesiastical entrepreneur who has delivered services and products to Christians for the 20 years.

I was raised as a Christian, but my parents were weak. They often forgot to say grace before meals and they sometimes dined in KFC which is ran by filthy immigrants and the blacks. At the age of 8 I tried an exorcism on my brother after I caught him becoming engorged while watching an episode of Dallas. The exorcism was successful and ever since I have felt a close kinship with the Lord. I went through my teens with an ever growing connection to our Lord. While my peers got high and converted with all types of devilish whores I sat back and plotted my business empire.

I first delved into business at the age of 16 with my product "Demon Out" a blessed juice that cleansed evil doers and whores. I sold ten bottles in the first day of sale but was forced to shelve the product after ten lethal poisonings. Since then I have gone from strength strength.

My products have brought light and glory into the lives and I am rigidly proud of this. I am keen to share my products with y'all. I will introduce some very exciting products over the next few weeks.

Ezekiel 27:18
“‘Damascus did business with you because of your many products and great wealth of goods. They offered wine from Helbon, wool from Zahar"

God Bless you

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

How many sons has your wife borne you? What sort of pie does she best prepare? Are there any bastards in your family tree? What sort of filthy sins have you repented of? What is your favorite firearm? Which Republican do you support for the 2012 presidential election?

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

Dear friend:

Let me provide the correct (King James) wording of that verse: Ezek. 27:18: Damascus was thy merchant in the multitude of the wares of thy making, for the multitude of all riches; in the wine of Helbon, and white wool.

By the way, have you ever been to Scotland? I hear that it's lovely at this time of year.

[Jared Beacon]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

How many sons has your wife borne you? What sort of pie does she best prepare? Are there any bastards in your family tree? What sort of filthy sins have you repented of? What is your favorite firearm? Which Republican do you support for the 2012 presidential election?

1. I have two sons. Jared Jnr and Jacob.

2. My wife makes a delcious Apple & Pecan pie. She is allergic to Pecan but I like it so she puts up with the swelling.

3. No.

4. I once shook hands with a liberal. I still wash my right hand twice as much as the left because of this.

5. I love a shotgun. If ever there were a herd of Nigros outside my house I know the shot spread would take out a large percentage of their tribe. I'll go for a pump action sawn off.

6. Rick Perry

[Jared Beacon]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

Dear friend:

Let me provide the correct (King James) wording of that verse: Ezek. 27:18: Damascus was thy merchant in the multitude of the wares of thy making, for the multitude of all riches; in the wine of Helbon, and white wool.

By the way, have you ever been to Scotland? I hear that it's lovely at this time of year.

Thank You Pastor Peter, I commend you on your keen eye for detail.

It's funny that you mention Scotland as I am there on business. It is an ungodly compound for the damned. A rain soaked whore filled brewery of filth.

I hope my products bring them some solitute, but I fear they are condemned. On a positive note there are few nigros in this country. A pleasant change.

[Nobar King]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

Your first exorcism was successful? That's a pretty good record.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

She is allergic to Pecan

Nonsense, allergies are a gay hippie invention of attention whores. Just make her eat those. I am sure she will swell up in happiness when she finds out she is not allergic at all. An uncle of mine claimed to be allergic and he almost lost his voice from happiness when we made him eat his nuts. He died shortly after due to an unrelated cause, but those last hours have clearly been his happiest ones.

And welcome to our friendly family forum.

[Jared Beacon]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

Your first exorcism was successful? That's a pretty good record.

Bless you.

It was first and last. I think I could have made a living out of it, but it didn't satisfy my creative and money making needs.

[Jared Beacon]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

Nonsense, allergies are a gay hippie invention of attention whores. Just make her eat those. I am sure she will swell up in happiness when she finds out she is not allergic at all. An uncle of mine claimed to be allergic and he almost lost his voice from happiness when we made him eat his nuts. He died shortly after due to an unrelated cause, but those last hours have clearly been his happiest ones.

And welcome to our friendly family forum.

Mr Cranky, God bless your divine eye for the truth.

I thought maybe I was being harsh on my wife by making her handle the pecans, but it is now clear that she is over reacting and possibly reading fag liberal propaganda.

I will sneak a pecan into her dinner later on and prove her wrong.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

Nonsense, allergies are a gay hippie invention of attention whores. Just make her eat those. I am sure she will swell up in happiness when she finds out she is not allergic at all. An uncle of mine claimed to be allergic and he almost lost his voice from happiness when we made him eat his nuts. He died shortly after due to an unrelated cause, but those last hours have clearly been his happiest ones.

Good point, Brother. The whole concept of allergies is un-Scriptural:

Genesis 1:29: And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

Genesis 9:3: Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

Good point, Brother. The whole concept of allergies is un-Scriptural:

Genesis 1:29: And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

Genesis 9:3: Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

Amen, Brother. So is the concept of poison.