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  • Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

    A bit about me,

    I am a 36 year old ecclesiastical entrepreneur who has delivered services and products to Christians for the 20 years.

    I was raised as a Christian, but my parents were weak. They often forgot to say grace before meals and they sometimes dined in KFC which is ran by filthy immigrants and the blacks. At the age of 8 I tried an exorcism on my brother after I caught him becoming engorged while watching an episode of Dallas. The exorcism was successful and ever since I have felt a close kinship with the Lord. I went through my teens with an ever growing connection to our Lord. While my peers got high and converted with all types of devilish whores I sat back and plotted my business empire.

    I first delved into business at the age of 16 with my product "Demon Out" a blessed juice that cleansed evil doers and whores. I sold ten bottles in the first day of sale but was forced to shelve the product after ten lethal poisonings. Since then I have gone from strength strength.

    My products have brought light and glory into the lives and I am rigidly proud of this. I am keen to share my products with y'all. I will introduce some very exciting products over the next few weeks.

    Ezekiel 27:18
    “‘Damascus did business with you because of your many products and great wealth of goods. They offered wine from Helbon, wool from Zahar"

    God Bless you
    Born To Win, Born To shine, Born To Turn Water Into Wine.

    Isaiah 30:17
    One thousand [shall flee] at the rebuke of one; at the rebuke of five shall ye flee: till ye be left as a BEACON upon the top of a mountain, and as an ensign on an hill.

  • #2
    Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

    How many sons has your wife borne you? What sort of pie does she best prepare? Are there any bastards in your family tree? What sort of filthy sins have you repented of? What is your favorite firearm? Which Republican do you support for the 2012 presidential election?
    The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!

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    • #3
      Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

      Dear friend:

      Let me provide the correct (King James) wording of that verse: Ezek. 27:18: Damascus was thy merchant in the multitude of the wares of thy making, for the multitude of all riches; in the wine of Helbon, and white wool.

      By the way, have you ever been to Scotland? I hear that it's lovely at this time of year.
      This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

      Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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      • #4
        Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

        Originally posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
        How many sons has your wife borne you? What sort of pie does she best prepare? Are there any bastards in your family tree? What sort of filthy sins have you repented of? What is your favorite firearm? Which Republican do you support for the 2012 presidential election?
        1. I have two sons. Jared Jnr and Jacob.

        2. My wife makes a delcious Apple & Pecan pie. She is allergic to Pecan but I like it so she puts up with the swelling.

        3. No.

        4. I once shook hands with a liberal. I still wash my right hand twice as much as the left because of this.

        5. I love a shotgun. If ever there were a herd of Nigros outside my house I know the shot spread would take out a large percentage of their tribe. I'll go for a pump action sawn off.

        6. Rick Perry
        Born To Win, Born To shine, Born To Turn Water Into Wine.

        Isaiah 30:17
        One thousand [shall flee] at the rebuke of one; at the rebuke of five shall ye flee: till ye be left as a BEACON upon the top of a mountain, and as an ensign on an hill.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

          Originally posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
          Dear friend:

          Let me provide the correct (King James) wording of that verse: Ezek. 27:18: Damascus was thy merchant in the multitude of the wares of thy making, for the multitude of all riches; in the wine of Helbon, and white wool.

          By the way, have you ever been to Scotland? I hear that it's lovely at this time of year.
          Thank You Pastor Peter, I commend you on your keen eye for detail.

          It's funny that you mention Scotland as I am there on business. It is an ungodly compound for the damned. A rain soaked whore filled brewery of filth.

          I hope my products bring them some solitute, but I fear they are condemned. On a positive note there are few nigros in this country. A pleasant change.
          Born To Win, Born To shine, Born To Turn Water Into Wine.

          Isaiah 30:17
          One thousand [shall flee] at the rebuke of one; at the rebuke of five shall ye flee: till ye be left as a BEACON upon the top of a mountain, and as an ensign on an hill.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

            Your first exorcism was successful? That's a pretty good record.
            May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

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            • #7
              Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

              Originally posted by Jared Beacon View Post
              She is allergic to Pecan
              Nonsense, allergies are a gay hippie invention of attention whores. Just make her eat those. I am sure she will swell up in happiness when she finds out she is not allergic at all. An uncle of mine claimed to be allergic and he almost lost his voice from happiness when we made him eat his nuts. He died shortly after due to an unrelated cause, but those last hours have clearly been his happiest ones.

              And welcome to our friendly family forum.
              5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
              To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
              James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

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              • #8
                Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

                Originally posted by Nobar King View Post
                Your first exorcism was successful? That's a pretty good record.
                Bless you.

                It was first and last. I think I could have made a living out of it, but it didn't satisfy my creative and money making needs.
                Born To Win, Born To shine, Born To Turn Water Into Wine.

                Isaiah 30:17
                One thousand [shall flee] at the rebuke of one; at the rebuke of five shall ye flee: till ye be left as a BEACON upon the top of a mountain, and as an ensign on an hill.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

                  Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
                  Nonsense, allergies are a gay hippie invention of attention whores. Just make her eat those. I am sure she will swell up in happiness when she finds out she is not allergic at all. An uncle of mine claimed to be allergic and he almost lost his voice from happiness when we made him eat his nuts. He died shortly after due to an unrelated cause, but those last hours have clearly been his happiest ones.

                  And welcome to our friendly family forum.
                  Mr Cranky, God bless your divine eye for the truth.

                  I thought maybe I was being harsh on my wife by making her handle the pecans, but it is now clear that she is over reacting and possibly reading fag liberal propaganda.

                  I will sneak a pecan into her dinner later on and prove her wrong.
                  Born To Win, Born To shine, Born To Turn Water Into Wine.

                  Isaiah 30:17
                  One thousand [shall flee] at the rebuke of one; at the rebuke of five shall ye flee: till ye be left as a BEACON upon the top of a mountain, and as an ensign on an hill.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

                    Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
                    Nonsense, allergies are a gay hippie invention of attention whores. Just make her eat those. I am sure she will swell up in happiness when she finds out she is not allergic at all. An uncle of mine claimed to be allergic and he almost lost his voice from happiness when we made him eat his nuts. He died shortly after due to an unrelated cause, but those last hours have clearly been his happiest ones.
                    Good point, Brother. The whole concept of allergies is un-Scriptural:

                    Genesis 1:29: And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

                    Genesis 9:3: Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
                    This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

                    Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

                    sigpic

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Allow Me To Intoduce Myself

                      Originally posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
                      Good point, Brother. The whole concept of allergies is un-Scriptural:

                      Genesis 1:29: And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

                      Genesis 9:3: Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
                      Amen, Brother. So is the concept of poison.
                      The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!

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