The Cane makes you Able

[Sir Bertram "Butty"]

Greetings from the land of King James. Oh how it grieves me to acknowledge that this is also the country which produced Dawkins, Hitchens and Stephen Fry.

My full name is Sir Bertram Butterfield Gnoble-Whiteley but most people call me ‘Butty’. You see I don’t insist on my title and I am hardly at all snobbish despite my formidable ancestry and wealth. Even what I think you guys would call “po’ white trash” needs to be SAVED.

Despite that ancestry, though, I regret to say I was insufficiently indoctrinated about the Saving Power of Jesus as an infant. Luckily for me I was sent to boarding schools from the ages of 6 to 18 and there, mercifully, True Religion, was firmly beaten into me. Believe me England is the natural home of humiliating corporal punishment. Water-boarding is for nonces who don’t know how to hit properly.

Thank God for my edcuation; I have known I am in the unquestionable RIGHT ever since.

I am of course a member of the Church of England but it may surprise you to learn that I am of the Middle Church division. I know you will share my misery and fury when I tell you that at least 9 out of 10 vicars of the High Church divison here (where one might expect someone like me to be at home ) are in fact homosexual; and one simply cannot stoop to the Low Church division (the people there…oh dear), so I have no choice.

I hope ‘y’all’ won’t draw unkind inferences about the mere appearance of a lack of Fervour for the Lord, on my part. You see Brits of the upper crust are taught to suppress their emotions as much as possible, and that can mean one comes across as not just reserved but phlegmatic.

When it comes to the unquestionable rightness of the KJV and the necessity of making everyone fall in line with it, NOTHING could be further from the Truth. I KNOW I am right as do all the properly saved . If only we could go back to the time here when the True Faith was legally enforceable here - ah! what a different country this would be.

One last thing. I don’t think the Saved are shagging enough. If we don’t have lots more unprotected sex the papists will keep on outnumbering us. Hence my favourite quotation from the KJV:

But Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives, and begat twenty and two sons, and sixteen daughters.

(2 Chronicles, 13 v 21)

May ye all wax mighty as often as possible

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

Hello Sir Bertram. Thank you for an introduction which actually tells everyone something about yourself. You seem to be saying that Anglicans might not all be going to Hell which is an unusual idea. I hadn't heard that before. A fuller greeting will be easier for me once The Pastoral Team have measured you up.

I Thessalonians 5:22

[Bible Student]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

Greetings from the land of King James. Oh how it grieves me to acknowledge that this is also the country which produced Dawkins, Hitchens and Stephen Fry.

My full name is Sir Bertram Butterfield Gnoble-Whiteley but most people call me ‘Butty’. You see I don’t insist on my title and I am hardly at all snobbish despite my formidable ancestry and wealth. Even what I think you guys would call “po’ white trash” needs to be SAVED.

Despite that ancestry, though, I regret to say I was insufficiently indoctrinated about the Saving Power of Jesus as an infant. Luckily for me I was sent to boarding schools from the ages of 6 to 18 and there, mercifully, True Religion, was firmly beaten into me. Believe me England is the natural home of humiliating corporal punishment. Water-boarding is for nonces who don’t know how to hit properly.

Thank God for my edcuation; I have known I am in the unquestionable RIGHT ever since.

I am of course a member of the Church of England but it may surprise you to learn that I am of the Middle Church division. I know you will share my misery and fury when I tell you that at least 9 out of 10 vicars of the High Church divison here (where one might expect someone like me to be at home ) are in fact homosexual; and one simply cannot stoop to the Low Church division (the people there…oh dear), so I have no choice.

I hope ‘y’all’ won’t draw unkind inferences about the mere appearance of a lack of Fervour for the Lord, on my part. You see Brits of the upper crust are taught to suppress their emotions as much as possible, and that can mean one comes across as not just reserved but phlegmatic.

When it comes to the unquestionable rightness of the KJV and the necessity of making everyone fall in line with it, NOTHING could be further from the Truth. I KNOW I am right as do all the properly saved . If only we could go back to the time here when the True Faith was legally enforceable here - ah! what a different country this would be.

One last thing. I don’t think the Saved are shagging enough. If we don’t have lots more unprotected sex the papists will keep on outnumbering us. Hence my favourite quotation from the KJV:

But Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives, and begat twenty and two sons, and sixteen daughters.

(2 Chronicles, 13 v 21)

May ye all wax mighty as often as possible

Welcome Mr. Butterfield. It is refreshing to see a proper introduction. How many solders for Jesus do you have? Tell us about your wife's pie. How long does it take you to clean your guns? How many points are there on the largest set of antlers hanging in your den or man cave?

[Sir Bertram "Butty"]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

Ms Mitza will understand if I address a man’s points first. Only natural.

How many solders for Jesus do you have?

All of my domestic staff are required to be Believers and to wear appropriate symbols on chains round theer necks to prove it. I haven’t counted recently but I think it was about 176 last time.

Tell us about your wife's pie.

Obviously the the mem-sahib doesn’t descend to the kitchens very often. But, when she is told to, she can cook a steak and kidney pie nearly as good as the ones we had at school

How long does it take you to clean your guns?

Even after a full weekend’s grouse-shooting I don’t think it takes the gamekeeper and his boy more than a couple of days.

How many points are there on the largest set of antlers hanging in your den or man cave?

We hang hunting trophies in the smaller dining room, the library and east wing main corridor. But in my ’potting shed’ have a 16 pointer I killed with my bare teeth when I was 12. Deer stalking is a tough game.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

Ms Mitza will understand if I address a man’s points first.

Yes of course take us in any order you prefer.

Mitza Lizalor (Miss)

[Sir Bertram "Butty"]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

That’s uncanny, Miss Mitza. Exactly what my housemaids say. If you are ever in need of a job…

I am also very grateful to you for alerting me to a possible misconceived anti-Anglican bias here. There is, obviously, Right Anglicanism and Wrong Anglicanism and I wonder if that has been the source of some confusion. If I could trouble you to explain your perceived doctrinal difficulties (so far as you can, and don’t worry, I will make due allowance for the frailties of your sex) I may be able to assist.

Best wishes.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

That’s uncanny, Miss Mitza. Exactly what my housemaids say. If you are ever in need of a job…

I am also very grateful to you for alerting me to a possible misconceived anti-Anglican bias here. There is, obviously, Right Anglicanism and Wrong Anglicanism and I wonder if that has been the source of some confusion. If I could trouble you to explain your perceived doctrinal difficulties (so far as you can, and don’t worry, I will make due allowance for the frailties of your sex) I may be able to assist.

Best wishes.

Unfortunately I already have employment, but it does take me to your area fairly often so I have seen Anglicanism at first hand. One had heard about them of course but nothing can really describe the shock of walking around a corner and witnessing.. or climbing over a wall & sprinting (as happened on this occasion) headlong into.. a vicar for the first time, brazen, carefree - gloating almost. I do not have an opinion on any of their doctrines: if they disagree with The Bible they are wrong. Milton is not The Bible so anything from him ought to go out the window and the book of common prayer is certainly written by Beelzebub, from the price of the things you'd reckon Mammon has a hand in the enterprise too but as I say I don't have an opinion on that. The Anglican I saw was definitely a pervert of some type, I knew that though. And sure enough in the paper that week I saw that he'd scarpered with the organist's wife. He must have been thinking about it as I stood there gawping at him: he didn't move for ages. He was wearing one of these:

[Dan U. Holier]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

Sir Butterfly, I’m not sure what is the meaning of terms “shagging” and “waxing” in your local vernacular of the Godly American language. Would you mind to elaborate?

For what I know, synonyms for “waxing” are “polishing” (e.g. “polishing the knob”), “expanding”, “getting bigger” while “shagging” is performing the "shag" dance.

Thank you in advance

[Sir Bertram "Butty"]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

So much confusion and error here, that, once again, the lovely Miss Mitza has to take a back seat, even though she refers to the worrying habit of priestly cross-dressing in the Anglican Communion.

‘Polishing the knob’ , Dan, as I think you well know, refers to the sin of Onan (see Genesis, 38). It has nothing at all to do with the, er, manly growing of a suitable suitable thing for the purposes of, er, poking for purity (to which the biblical’ waxing’ and, admittedly vernacular, ‘shagging’ , of course, refer). And Matron was always very strict about this in her frequent surprise dormitory ’inspections’.

I am not in the least bit sexually repressed but I think it might be indelicate to render things more understandable when there are ladies present. Have you guys no shame?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

Hmmm....An alleged brit who says "y'all"....

[Sir Bertram "Butty"]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

I am so glad you noticed that careful usage, Pastor Ezekiel. I think putting the quotation marks round it in my text exactly preserved a tone which is simultaneously ingratiating and patronising. It’s the sort of thing that just flies over the heads of little people sometimes, but I see you are way too smart for that.

[Zechariah Smyth]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

I am so glad you noticed that careful usage, Pastor Ezekiel. I think putting the quotation marks round it in my text exactly preserved a tone which is simultaneously ingratiating and patronising. It’s the sort of thing that just flies over the heads of little people sometimes, but I see you are way too smart for that.

You ain't seen nothing yet.



(Proverbs 1:22) "How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge?"

Without going into specifics, you will soon find that Pastor Zeke goes from peak to peak.

YiC,

Zech

[Sister Kitty]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

Hello Butterick, I am not yet wholly displeased to meet you. That is a rare thing for me. I do not offer the gift of my non-displeasure to most. You're welcome.

[Sir Bertram "Butty"]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

The indication of further jolly banter in the offing from Mr Smyth and a warm greeting from Sister Kitty.

I lost the ability to cry at puberty, but if I could, I am sure such gratitude and affection from a former colony would bring a tear to my eye.

[Sir Bertram "Butty"]

Re: The Cane makes you Able

I can see ‘Y’all’ are in awe of Landed Gentry - but in fact we are very approachable and understanding, within limits.

An historical perspective may be of assistance. I’ll try to keep it not too ‘interlekshual’ - not exactly the Bible Pants long suit, huh?!- even though these things can be difficult to explain to a nation (or ‘confederacy’) which has only a ‘recent past’ rather than a ‘history’ as such, Like, how many Redskins did you see at the Crusades, if you catch my drift.

You are the Rejects of Europe. Even though, following the Mighty-Shagging Henry VIII, we were busy burning ‘Catlicks’ and Witches, we were not Pure enough for you: so you rejected us. You were RIGHT to do so. From a Pure Brit’s point of view, I’m sorry you had to involve so many foreign people (‘furriners’ to you) but sometimes the quest for Truth has to condescend - otherwise I wouldn’t be here at your little forum, after all, now would I?.

The touble is in exporting all that Purity, your Mother Nation ( or “MomYard”) stood in danger of losing a fixed and unshakeable KNOWLEDGE of the Truth. When King James invented the Complete Truth in 1611 I have a feeling the certain grasp of its Literalness went with those who fled to illiterate lands rather than those who remained to read under inky lights. (Note: That’s quite poetic, but that does not mean I’m a nancy gayboy. I’ll come back to this point in another post),

But the True Fath was preserved over here, hidden but hard, like a dormitory dream, amongst the Landed Gentry. And we are the people who really pull the strings over here ,not the Pinko Politicians who we pretend work for us. I hope this clears the way for open and frank communication. I fear my rank and cleverness may have ‘abashed’ even your splendid Pastor Ezekiel who without more ado or ceremony, is welcome to call me ‘Butty’. Can’t say fairer than that.