Help Me Be Saved From Satan Brothers!

[DeliverMeToHeaven]

Hello, forum!

I am a 30 year old African American individual living in the country of Greece. Throughout my life, I have had a tremendous struggle with my religious beliefs. I have wildly fluctuated between Atheism to Theistic Satanism, worshiping the devil and performing meager animal sacrifices to him. Recently, I have wanted to turn my ways to the eyes of God and the holy religion of Christianity to save my wretched soul from the damned. Unfortunately I am struggling with horribly sinful activities, as well as my very own race and country of origin! I frequently find myself irresistibly attracted to damnable things included but not limited to rock music, fatty foods, television shows that aren't Glenn Beck, literature such as harry potter, violent video games, Heroin and Cocaine, weaponry (including the worship of weapons-grade plutonium), masturbation, homosexuality and acts of sodomy, not disciplining my children (I have two), unprotected sex, tattoos, unshaven hair, self-harm, using the Lord's name incorrectly, general cussing, cannibalism.

Unfortunately, whenever I try to abstain from these urges satan appears before me and verbally urges me to set ablaze non-believers of the satanist doctrine! I find it hard to resist, and the only way to make these apparition to go away is re-indulging in said sinful activities!

I've started attemping to save my unholy soul by following some of my favorite bible verses. They are as follows:

"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched."(Mark 9:43)


“If any man come to me, and not hate his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sister, yet, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26)

"If two brothers are living together on the same property and one of them dies without a son, his widow may not be married to anyone from outside the family. Instead, her husband's brother should marry her and have intercourse with her to fulfill the duties of a brother-in-law." (Deuteronomy 25:5)

(I've faithfully fulfilled this one at least once, a week after my brother was killed by AIDS)


"Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together." (Deuteronomy 22:11)


My absolutely most cherished verse is Leviticus 14:33, which requests the presence of mildew require you to rebuild your entire house. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars (drug money) constantly rebuilding my house every time I spot mold in order to please the Lord.


Please my good friends, help me to be saved and accepted into the Kingdom of the Lord! Grant me from my wicked ways! How do I improve my odds of avoiding Hell and satan?


Thanks,


DeliverMeToHeaven

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Help Me Be Saved From Satan Brothers!

A Greek nigra boy?

You must be popular in the bath houses I've heard about.

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[DeliverMeToHeaven]

Re: Help Me Be Saved From Satan Brothers!

A Greek nigra boy?

You must be popular in the bath houses I've heard about.

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

Thank you for the reply Brother!

Unfortunately your signature only worries me further. I fall under all of the descriptions of those who will not be saved (with the lone exception of murder), but I truly want to change my ways and repent to Our Lord Jesus Christ, before satan attempts to secure my soul for eternity by forcing me to commit the horrid sin of suicide. What can I do to increase my chances of a safe entrance to Heaven? How do I properly repent these sins?

Thanks,

DeliverMeToHeaven

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Help Me Be Saved From Satan Brothers!

You could start by putting down the niggerweed and telling us why you're really here. You Europee-ons are always up to something.

[DeliverMeToHeaven]

Re: Help Me Be Saved From Satan Brothers!

You could start by putting down the niggerweed and telling us why you're really here. You Europee-ons are always up to something.

I am a heavily compulsive liar, but I assure you my intentions of being on this forum are pure! I do not wish to embrace Satan and his lake of the Damned!I try on a frequent basis to stop my use of unholy substances like Devilweed and Nose-Sugar, but every time I try I fear my soul will be taken by satan for unholy purposes! Often times I try to reason with my terrible addictions bu suggestion they are a means of curing my rampant Schizophrenia and Multiple Sclerosis, but deep down I know that is false, because God is intentionally punishing me for my life of sin and I should take it like a True Christian should. Unfortunately strength is feeling like an exceedingly rare commodity in Greece

And yes, I agree we are definite Euro-peons, unfortunately

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Help Me Be Saved From Satan Brothers!

I am a heavily compulsive liar...

Boy, I'd figured that out before I was even a quarter of the way into your introductory post. See, I have a negro friend from Europe, and when I once made the mistake of calling him an African American, he said, "Dude, I'm from London."

Seems to me that if you were really from Greek, you'd be calling yourself an Afro-Cretin or a Nubian or a Moor or some such.

Anyway, I just thank God He lead you out of the darkness and to this holy place.

Jesus Christ can do anything, and I believe the day will soon arrive when you can't even remember the last time you stole a pie.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Help Me Be Saved From Satan Brothers!

Satan Brothers is terrible coffee. I can understand why you'd ask to be delivered from it!

But I have a simple solution for you. Just don't buy any.

I have wildly fluctuated between Atheism to Theistic Satanism, worshiping the devil and performing meager animal sacrifices to him . . . Unfortunately, whenever I try to abstain from these urges satan appears before me and verbally urges me to set ablaze non-believers of the satanist doctrine!

I'm curious about this "satanist doctrine". Where did you learn it? You're too young to have learned it from the Freemasons; what was your source?

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Help Me Be Saved From Satan Brothers!

Good point, Rev. Rodimer. I was going to organize a boycott of my local Safeway supermarket for carrying Satan Brothers coffee, but they wound up discontinuing it because it just didn't sell. I've tasted it and it is quite nasty. If I want a cup of joe that smells like sulfur and brimstone, I'll just head to Denny's.

[Elder Older]

Re: Help Me Be Saved From Satan Brothers!

I frequently find myself irresistibly attracted to damnable things included [...fiendish jabber...] weaponry (including the worship of weapons-grade plutonium)...

Listen, buddy! Not only are you a clearly troubled soul as it is written

2Ki17.12
For they served idols, whereof the Lord had said unto them, Ye shall not do this thing.

but it is very dangerous to fool around with that nuclear stuff! I know Greece is a troublesome place these days and you only want to protect yourself, but heed this word of advice: Think of what these heathen japs got from fiddeling around with the atoms and buy yourself a nice 12gauge. Like this young christian man!