X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 1
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous template Next
  • R.W. Shammbach
    Unsaved trash
    Under Investigation
    • Aug 2012
    • 1
    #1

    Dearest Brothers and Sisters....

    JESUS WARRIORS!!!

    I HATH FOUND THE DIGITAL BODY OF CHRIST!

    Halleleujah. And the lord saidith, that He shall reveal HIMSELF to me in new ways!!

    Oh how I had secretly despaired the vile, digital filth of this unholy creation of the dark lord Satan, the interenets, to fulfill the wicked purpose of corrupting man by exposing him to bottomless sin and abomination....

    But the Lord hath renewed my faith! AMEN! And I hope to be accepted into the bosom of this new flock of worshippers!
    Therefore if I know not the meaning of the voice, I shall be unto him that speaketh a barbarian, and he that speaketh shall be a barbarian unto me. 1st Corinthians 14:11
    Tags: None
    • Brother Jared
      True Christian™
      True Christian™
      • Jun 2012
      • 211
      #2
      Re: Dearest Brothers and Sisters....

      That's nice.

      Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.
      "Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up." (Hosea 13:16)

        Comment

        • Pastor Ezekiel
          Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
           
          • Sep 2006
          • 78556
          #3
          Re: Dearest Brothers and Sisters....

          Welcome to God's favorite forum. I attended your funeral in January.

          If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

          If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

          You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

          Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
          Who Will Jesus Damn?

          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

            Comment

            • Rev. M. Rodimer
              Honorary True Christian™
              Forum Member
              • May 2008
              • 13996
              #4
              Re: Dearest Brothers and Sisters....

              Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
              Welcome to God's favorite forum. I attended your funeral in January.
              I'm getting awfully tired of these zombies showing up.

              I don't see why you people don't spray for them. My exterminator at Second Baptist does an application of Zom-B-Gon every month for only an extra $25, and never once has a zombie staggered onto the property.

              It has a nice citrus scent, too. Very refreshing.
              Bible boring? Nonsense!
              Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
              You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

                Comment

                • Faith_Machine
                  Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                  True Christian™
                  • Mar 2011
                  • 10050
                  #5
                  Re: Dearest Brothers and Sisters....

                  OK, well I've gone over this zombie's Web site with a fine-toothed comb. Ditto for his church's Web site.

                  I find all kinds of nice Flash animations and slick navigational tools and whatnot, but you know what I can't find, no matter which page I click on? I can't find a simple statement of belief. In other words, I'm finding no confirmation that this fellow and his flock are Baptists.

                  Worse yet, when I look at his Wikipedia page, I find links to pages about glossolalia and Pentacostalism!

                  Please tell me we don't have another damned snake handler in our midst.

                  WARNING:
                  In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                  REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                    Comment

                    • LBC loving Dutchmen
                      Forum Member
                      Forum Member
                      • Oct 2011
                      • 216
                      #6
                      Re: Dearest Brothers and Sisters....

                      Since he hasn't the decency to answer simple questions, I fear the worst brother, Faith Machine
                      II Kings 2:23-24: 23And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 24And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

                        Comment

                        • Rev. M. Rodimer
                          Honorary True Christian™
                          Forum Member
                          • May 2008
                          • 13996
                          #7
                          Re: Dearest Brothers and Sisters....

                          Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                          Please tell me we don't have another damned snake handler in our midst.

                          A snake-handling zombie, Brother.

                          See, they throw the snake at you so it will bite you and incapacitate you. Then the zombie can catch up to you and eat your brain. The snake eats the rest.
                          Bible boring? Nonsense!
                          Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                          You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

                            Comment

                            • James Hutchins
                              True Christian™
                              Just a Regular Nice Guy
                               
                              • Jun 2009
                              • 29457
                              #8
                              Re: Dearest Brothers and Sisters....

                              A one post wonder. Makes you wonder why he posted.

                              What is with these people. Landover is not a 'Cong bar girl willing to accept a sailors love for 'Fi Dollah for long time love' as a sweaty encounter in a mens room full of urine and vomit.
                              Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
                              Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
                              Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
                              Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
                              Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
                              Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

                                Comment

                                Previous template Next
                                Working...