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  • Ford Prefect
    Unsaved trash, suspected abo
    • Oct 2012
    • 16

    #1

    G'day cobbers

    G'day,

    Firstly, contrary to the rest of Australian blokes, my name isn't Bruce. Pretty bloody shocking, ain't it?

    Without pullin' the piss, I'm hear to try and get saved, hey.

    I know there's a lot of things going against me, being Australian for starters. But in my defence, I'm from South Australia, which is the only state that was never a penal colony. Or penile.

    And Adelaide, the capital, is known as "the City of Churches" because it has so many fascinating old churches. All of the wrong denominations, of course. Stupid bastards.

    So I've surely got that going for me, right mate?

    On the downside, SA was also the first place in the world to give Shielas full voting rights and right to serve in parliament. So a bit of a strike against me there.

    It was also the first place to decrimanlise poofters, so no wonder God hates us like it says in the forum.


    I really want to join the Landover Baptist Church, for they are the only blokes ballsy enough to preach God's True Message, not this watered-down liberal crap.

    I don't attend a church here, because they're all heretics and heathens!

    It's hard to pick my favourite Bible Verse. I love all of Judges 3, because it's shows God's mercy in delivering Israel when they angered him so many times.

    But the best of it would probably be from verse 22:

    Originally posted by Judges 3:22
    And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out.
    Because, let's face it, it's great to see when God calls on someone to kick arse in his Holy Name. (Of course, Shamgar delivering 600 Philistines to their Damnation in Hell is also truly kick arse. God is truly Wise, Just and Merciful.)


    I will need a mentor from your church to assist me in gaining my salvation, however. Like all Australians, I do pull the puddin' too much and I don't know how to stop.

    *** unnecessarily explicit seed-spilling episode deleted ***


    YIC,

    Bruce Ford
    Last edited by Zechariah Smyth; 10-17-2012, 03:29 PM. Reason: A little too graphic for a family-friendly forum.
  • Zechariah Smyth
    Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
    True Christian™
    • Feb 2011
    • 15251

    #2
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Hello my new Alpine friend!

    First of all, you need to stop spilling your seed NOW. Who knows how many sons you could've had by now? Why don't you put your seed in your wife? Is she ugly?

    Yours in Christ,

    Z. Smyth
    sigpic

    Comment

    • James Hutchins
      True Christian™
      Just a Regular Nice Guy
       
      • Jun 2009
      • 29453

      #3
      Re: G'day cobbers

      Friend, I am not in the least bit interested in hearing about your burning piss.
      What I do want to know is all about the fire you have for Jesus.
      Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
      Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
      Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
      Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
      Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
      Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

      Comment

      • Dr Laurence Niles
        Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
         
        • Jan 2012
        • 9063

        #4
        Re: G'day cobbers

        I will need a mentor from your church to assist me in gaining my salvation, however. Like all Australians, I do pull the puddin' too much and I don't know how to stop.
        I must say that it is unusual to type with an accent. I can almost feel the mountain winds, by gosh!

        Austrians are well known to be no better than the Krauts in their love of Onanism. In my long professional experience with male sexual deviance it comes to me as no suprise; what with the Internet and all.

        But you must stop. There are no half measures. Each time you touch your manhandle you are committing murder and you will be treated by God the same way as He treated Onan (who probably thought he was being a decent guy).

        How many times have you read the Bible?

        In it's exactitude will you find the Grace of God: not on a German Ganny porn DVD boxset.

        YIC
        1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

        Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

        Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

        Comment

        • Ford Prefect
          Unsaved trash, suspected abo
          • Oct 2012
          • 16

          #5
          Re: G'day cobbers

          Originally posted by Zechariah Smyth View Post
          Hello my new Alpine friend!

          First of all, you need to stop spilling your seed NOW. Who knows how many sons you could've had by now? Why don't you put your seed in your wife? Is she ugly?
          G'day!

          And ta muchly for the friendly welcome, brother!

          I will do my best at restraining myself. Alas, yes, my wife is extremely ugly after being beaten with the ugly stick too many times when she failed to obey.

          And it's her unclean time, so I've had to stick her in the dunny out the back.

          Maybe Brother Alex can assist me? He seems extremely friendly and personable and knows how to take hold of the hard issues.

          YIC,

          Ford

          Comment

          • Ford Prefect
            Unsaved trash, suspected abo
            • Oct 2012
            • 16

            #6
            Re: G'day cobbers

            Originally posted by James Hutchins View Post
            Friend, I am not in the least bit interested in hearing about your burning piss.
            What I do want to know is all about the fire you have for Jesus.
            Sorry Bro James, I think something must have been lost in translation.

            I wasn't trying to come the raw prawn with you, and my statement had nothing to do with pointing percy at the porcelain.

            I was trying to show a bit of fair dinkum sincerity, mate.


            As for Jesus? He's totally grouse. I've got as much fire as it takes. I'll walk backwards from Woop Woop to the Back of Burke for him! Without a stubbie, too.

            YIC

            Ford

            Comment

            • Rev. M. Rodimer
              Honorary True Christian™
              Forum Member
              • May 2008
              • 13996

              #7
              Re: G'day cobbers

              Originally posted by Ford Prefect View Post
              Sorry Bro James, I think something must have been lost in translation.

              I wasn't trying to come the raw prawn with you, and my statement had nothing to do with pointing percy at the porcelain.

              I was trying to show a bit of fair dinkum sincerity, mate.


              As for Jesus? He's totally grouse. I've got as much fire as it takes. I'll walk backwards from Woop Woop to the Back of Burke for him! Without a stubbie, too.

              YIC

              Ford
              And yet you pretend to be the Australian version of a character from a book. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, as I recall.

              Please don't offer to whip out your stiffened towel. We don't want to know what you've been using it for.

              Why would you go onto a Christian church's discussion forum and pretend to be someone you're not, Bruce? That's very disturbing behavior.
              Bible boring? Nonsense!
              Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
              You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

              Comment

              • Ford Prefect
                Unsaved trash, suspected abo
                • Oct 2012
                • 16

                #8
                Re: G'day cobbers

                G'day Brother Laurence,

                Originally posted by Laurence Niles View Post
                I must say that it is unusual to type with an accent. I can almost feel the mountain winds, by gosh!
                Yeah, I don't quite know what them words mean. But if one of you bloke's said it, it must be right. Good onya.


                Originally posted by Laurence Niles View Post
                Austrians are well known to be no better than the Krauts in their love of Onanism. In my long professional experience with male sexual deviance it comes to me as no suprise; what with the Internet and all.

                But you must stop. There are no half measures. Each time you touch your manhandle you are committing murder and you will be treated by God the same way as He treated Onan (who probably thought he was being a decent guy).
                Yeah, gotcha. And they make bloody terrible Governors too, I reckon.


                Originally posted by Laurence Niles View Post
                How many times have you read the Bible?
                Oh, I'm one of the smart ones down here! I've read it twice! Three times if you count the ones with the pictures to explain it all, but twice for the real KJB too, like you codgers recommend.

                I reckon I got a good handle on it too. Even stoned me some wicked sinners that were working on Saturday arvo!


                Originally posted by Laurence Niles View Post
                In it's exactitude will you find the Grace of God: not on a German Ganny porn DVD boxset.
                Yeah, I don't really know what that means either. I know the porn bit, and DVDs are those spinny things that you can get here now and then. (It's Australia, mate. We don't have much of that fancy tech stuff yet. My 286 don't even have one of those dual use cupholder drive thingoes)

                But I know you lot know your stuff. So I'm willing to learn what this kraut thing is if it'll help?

                YIC,

                Ford

                Comment

                • Zechariah Smyth
                  Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
                  True Christian™
                  • Feb 2011
                  • 15251

                  #9
                  Re: G'day cobbers

                  Originally posted by Ford Prefect View Post
                  Sorry Bro James, I think something must have been lost in translation.

                  I wasn't
                  trying to come the raw prawn with you, and my statement had nothing to do with pointing percy at the porcelain.

                  I was trying to show a bit of fair dinkum sincerity, mate.



                  As for Jesus? He's totally grouse. I've got as much fire as it takes. I'll walk backwards from Woop Woop to the Back of Burke for him! Without a stubbie, too.


                  YIC


                  Ford
                  If you continue to post erotica, you will be asked to leave.

                  sigpic

                  Comment

                  • Ford Prefect
                    Unsaved trash, suspected abo
                    • Oct 2012
                    • 16

                    #10
                    Re: G'day cobbers

                    Originally posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
                    And yet you pretend to be the Australian version of a character from a book. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, as I recall.

                    Please don't offer to whip out your stiffened towel. We don't want to know what you've been using it for.

                    Why would you go onto a Christian church's discussion forum and pretend to be someone you're not, Bruce? That's very disturbing behavior.
                    Dunno what book you're talking about there, mate.

                    I was named after the place my ol' man *** potty language removed *** my mum and knocked her up. Don't worry, they were married, I might be an old bastard, but I'm not a bastard!

                    (I'm bloody lucky he'd gotten a new car though. I'd feel like a right drongo if I'd been named "Mini Cooper S")

                    Cheers,

                    Ford
                    Last edited by Zechariah Smyth; 10-17-2012, 04:30 PM. Reason: Watch the potty language.

                    Comment

                    • Ford Prefect
                      Unsaved trash, suspected abo
                      • Oct 2012
                      • 16

                      #11
                      Re: G'day cobbers

                      Originally posted by Zechariah Smyth View Post
                      If you continue to post erotica, you will be asked to leave.

                      Strewth Z, don't have a grizzle.

                      None of that was erotica, you silly Galah!

                      Tell ya what, I'll shout you a drink. Will that make it all better?

                      Cheers,

                      Ford

                      Comment

                      • Zechariah Smyth
                        Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
                        True Christian™
                        • Feb 2011
                        • 15251

                        #12
                        Re: G'day cobbers

                        Originally posted by Ford Prefect View Post
                        Strewth Z, don't have a grizzle.

                        None of that was erotica, you silly Galah!

                        Tell ya what, I'll shout you a drink. Will that make it all better?

                        Cheers,

                        Ford
                        This is not some cheesy gay pickup joint, Klaus.



                        Now, drop the Tirolean affectations and start praising Jesus.
                        sigpic

                        Comment

                        • Ford Prefect
                          Unsaved trash, suspected abo
                          • Oct 2012
                          • 16

                          #13
                          Re: G'day cobbers

                          Sorry Zee, I guess I'm not as good with the words as you guys am.

                          I hope Christ Almighty forgives me. He's a pretty top bloke.

                          How do I ask him for forgiveness? A bit of self-flagellation? I know you guys don't do the Mary Worshipping stuff.

                          Cheers,

                          Ford

                          Comment

                          • Rev. M. Rodimer
                            Honorary True Christian™
                            Forum Member
                            • May 2008
                            • 13996

                            #14
                            Re: G'day cobbers

                            I'm not sure I want to know what a "cobber" is. It sounds an awful lot like "knob gobbler".
                            Bible boring? Nonsense!
                            Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                            You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

                            Comment

                            • Ford Prefect
                              Unsaved trash, suspected abo
                              • Oct 2012
                              • 16

                              #15
                              Re: G'day cobbers

                              Originally posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
                              I'm not sure I want to know what a "cobber" is. It sounds an awful lot like "knob gobbler".
                              No "knob gobblers" around here, mate. Didn't you know? Rules 1, 3, 5, 7 and 8 are "No Poofters!"

                              I think the closest translation into Americanese would be "Buddy" or "Pal."

                              Check with that Kiwi bloke. He'll put you on the right track.

                              Cheers,

                              Ford

                              Comment

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