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  • Pastor Ezekiel
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by Ford Prefect View Post
    G'day,

    Firstly, contrary to the rest of Australian blokes, my name isn't Bruce. Pretty bloody shocking, ain't it?

    Without pullin' the piss, I'm hear to try and get saved, hey.

    I know there's a lot of things going against me, being Australian for starters. But in my defence, I'm from South Australia, which is the only state that was never a penal colony. Or penile.

    And Adelaide, the capital, is known as "the City of Churches" because it has so many fascinating old churches. All of the wrong denominations, of course. Stupid bastards.

    So I've surely got that going for me, right mate?

    On the downside, SA was also the first place in the world to give Shielas full voting rights and right to serve in parliament. So a bit of a strike against me there.

    It was also the first place to decrimanlise poofters, so no wonder God hates us like it says in the forum.


    I really want to join the Landover Baptist Church, for they are the only blokes ballsy enough to preach God's True Message, not this watered-down liberal crap.

    I don't attend a church here, because they're all heretics and heathens!

    It's hard to pick my favourite Bible Verse. I love all of Judges 3, because it's shows God's mercy in delivering Israel when they angered him so many times.

    But the best of it would probably be from verse 22:



    Because, let's face it, it's great to see when God calls on someone to kick arse in his Holy Name. (Of course, Shamgar delivering 600 Philistines to their Damnation in Hell is also truly kick arse. God is truly Wise, Just and Merciful.)


    I will need a mentor from your church to assist me in gaining my salvation, however. Like all Australians, I do pull the puddin' too much and I don't know how to stop.

    *** unnecessarily explicit seed-spilling episode deleted ***


    YIC,

    Bruce Ford
    Can someone translate this for me?

    My Austrian has lapsed since our Mission to Australia a few years back.

    Leave a comment:


  • Pastor Isaac Peters
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by Ford Prefect View Post
    Will do.

    Do you know if God is working on any new works? Perhaps a prequel or a sequel?

    It's rare that such a gifted author would stop with just the two volumes. Especially when his work to date has been such a rip snorter!

    At least God wouldn't ruin the franchise with something like JarJar Binks, either, like some lesser wankers. That Lucas guy is 5 tinnies short of a six-pack.
    The mooselimbs and the magic-undie-wearing LSD cultists say yes, but God says no:

    Galatians 1:8-9: But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, If any [man] preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ford Prefect
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by John North View Post
    Just go for the the Book. And forget this Google thing as well. I think it might do you more harm than good.
    Will do.

    Do you know if God is working on any new works? Perhaps a prequel or a sequel?

    It's rare that such a gifted author would stop with just the two volumes. Especially when his work to date has been such a rip snorter!

    At least God wouldn't ruin the franchise with something like JarJar Binks, either, like some lesser wankers. That Lucas guy is 5 tinnies short of a six-pack.

    Leave a comment:


  • John North
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by Ford Prefect View Post
    But is it approved?

    I want the literal word of God, not some liberal hippy love-fest.

    And what is this "Google" that you speak? It sounds dodgy.

    Cheers,

    Ford
    Just go for the the Book. And forget this Google thing as well. I think it might do you more harm than good.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ford Prefect
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by John North View Post
    It took me 3 seconds to Google that; you can probably do it yourself in less than a minute (I leave it as an exercise). However, I think you’re better of reading it.
    But is it approved?

    I want the literal word of God, not some liberal hippy love-fest.

    And what is this "Google" that you speak? It sounds dodgy.

    Cheers,

    Ford

    Leave a comment:


  • John North
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by Ford Prefect View Post
    Speaking of which, are there copies of the KJB available in audiobook format?
    It took me 3 seconds to Google that; you can probably do it yourself in less than a minute (I leave it as an exercise). However, I think you’re better of reading it.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ford Prefect
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by Zechariah Smyth View Post
    Start at Genesis 1:1 and end at Revelation 22:21 and don't skip any parts, not even where Jesus sends two bears to kill 42 children.
    Ooh, I loved that one!

    Stupid heathens dumbed it down in the bastardised versions of the Bible though.

    I also loved where they slew the Ephraimites at the passage of Jordan. Truly a testament to God's greatness. Much better than a stupid Hollywood attempt at recreating the action that only God can give.

    Speaking of which, are there copies of the KJB available in audiobook format? It'd be great to just whack a disc into that thingo in the Ute when I'm going bush.

    Jesus be with you

    Ford

    Leave a comment:


  • Zechariah Smyth
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by Ford Prefect View Post
    I forgot to ask, how can I be a better bloke for Jesus?

    I want to stay on His good side, not like the rest of the scum where I'm from.

    Praise to the Lord!


    Cheers,

    Ford
    Read the Bible.

    ALL OF IT.

    Start at Genesis 1:1 and end at Revelation 22:21 and don't skip any parts, not even where Jesus sends two bears to kill 42 children.

    Come back when you're done.

    YiC,

    Zech

    Leave a comment:


  • Ford Prefect
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    I forgot to ask, how can I be a better bloke for Jesus?

    I want to stay on His good side, not like the rest of the scum where I'm from.

    Praise to the Lord!


    Cheers,

    Ford

    Leave a comment:


  • Ford Prefect
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post


    Anal foot-rape on demand?! Know you Aussies no shame?
    LOL, It's a kick up the backside.

    Gee, you seppos are as mad as a cut snake.

    This sunday after church, it's my shout, right?

    Cheers,

    Ford

    Leave a comment:


  • Ford Prefect
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by James Hutchins View Post
    Friend, No decent person save a few inner city animals know what you are saying. God does not speak spear chuck nor does He speak abo.
    We all know exactly what 'cobber' means and trust me, not 100% heterosexual True Christian™ has any desire what so ever to have you spread their anus wide so you can jam a dingo in their rectum.
    Sorry James, what does "spear chuck" mean? I haven't heard that one before.

    And it's not abo, it's true blue. We all know that God doesn't want anything to do with no boongs.


    But no, 'cobber' has got nothing to do with dingoes, mate. Check with that kiwi bloke that's one of your members after he gets back from chasing the sheep. He'll sort you out.

    Cheers,

    Ford

    Leave a comment:


  • Rev. M. Rodimer
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by Ford Prefect View Post
    But you give me the word, and I'll give him a boot up the bum for you.


    Anal foot-rape on demand?! Know you Aussies no shame?

    Leave a comment:


  • Ford Prefect
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    G'day Mary, you look like a top shiela there!

    Originally posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
    Wait, is this the book written by Douglas Adams who took great pleasure in mocking God so brazenly?
    Never heard of him, but looking at that link you gave, he sounds like a bit of a goose.

    Probably one of those hippy commo poofters, being an atheist and all. Bit of an ugly mug too, I reckon.

    But you give me the word, and I'll give him a boot up the bum for you.

    (That's not some queer homo thing, it's literally a kick up the bum.)


    Cheers darling,

    Ford

    Leave a comment:


  • James Hutchins
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Friend, No decent person save a few inner city animals know what you are saying. God does not speak spear chuck nor does He speak abo.
    We all know exactly what 'cobber' means and trust me, not 100% heterosexual True Christian™ has any desire what so ever to have you spread their anus wide so you can jam a dingo in their rectum.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ford Prefect
    replied
    Re: G'day cobbers

    Originally posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
    I'm not sure I want to know what a "cobber" is. It sounds an awful lot like "knob gobbler".
    Wait a sec! Your badges say you did a mission to Oz!

    You'd know what a cobber was then! You're having a lend, aren't you?

    You're a right old laugh. Good onya.

    Cheers,

    Ford

    Leave a comment:

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