Greetings!

[Penelope Smith]

Hello everyone!
My name is Penelope Smith and I am 20 years old. I attend Abyssinian Baptist Church. My favorite Scripture is John 8:36.

Before I came to know Jesus, I was an absolute wreckage. It was beyond the point where I got mixed up with the wrong crowd, I was the leader of the wrong crowd. I seduced guys left and right, was on birth control, and was essentially a total slut. It literally makes me sick to my stomach looking back.
One night, after a gigantic party, I was walking home. On the way back I felt a smack on the back of my head and fell unconscious. When I woke up I was collapsed in front of a church. It just happened to be Abyssinian. I felt the call of Jesus and figured that I was about as low as I could possibly get and still be alive. Using the little strength I had left, I literally dragged myself into the church. A service was going on at the time, and they were having an altar call. At 9:30 pm, I accepted Jesus as my Savior and Lord.

I have never gone back to the way I was before Jesus came into my life. I won't go back and I can't go back.

Anyway, it's nice to meet all of you.

- Penelope

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Greetings!

Welcome to our friendly forums!

If you're good at flirting, you can always try Missionary Dating.

Some tips for Dating to Save:

1. If he tells your that you are hot...
Tell him God made you hot.

2. If he wants to hold your hand...
Give him a Bible.

3. If he tries to get closer...
Tell him the Holy Spirit is wooing him.

4. If he asks to pay for dinner...
Remind him that Jesus also paid a debt He did not owe!

5. If he reaches his arm around you...
Tell him that nobody will ever be as close to you as Jesus is.
(or ask him if you instead could "lay hands" on him in prayer)

6. If he tries to kiss you...
Remind him that a kiss killed your Savior.
(and you're not ready to "speak in tongues")

7. If he asks to come inside...
Ask him if he has asked Jesus to come inside his heart.

8. If he tells you he loves you...
Tell him that Jesus loves him.

9. If he gets angry that you won't put out...
Clarify to him that W.W.J.D. does NOT mean "Who would Jesus Do."

10. After you dump him...
Tell him that Jesus Christ will never leave or forsake him.

I don't do this myself, being a married woman, but if something were to happen to Mr. Etheldreda, I know my ministry would be secure. Men seem to flock to me, always wanting my attention. It's a God Thing.

[Penelope Smith]

Re: Greetings!

Welcome to our friendly forums!

If you're good at flirting, you can always try Missionary Dating.

Some tips for Dating to Save:

1. If he tells your that you are hot...
Tell him God made you hot.

2. If he wants to hold your hand...
Give him a Bible.

3. If he tries to get closer...
Tell him the Holy Spirit is wooing him.

4. If he asks to pay for dinner...
Remind him that Jesus also paid a debt He did not owe!

5. If he reaches his arm around you...
Tell him that nobody will ever be as close to you as Jesus is.
(or ask him if you instead could "lay hands" on him in prayer)

6. If he tries to kiss you...
Remind him that a kiss killed your Savior.
(and you're not ready to "speak in tongues")

7. If he asks to come inside...
Ask him if he has asked Jesus to come inside his heart.

8. If he tells you he loves you...
Tell him that Jesus loves him.

9. If he gets angry that you won't put out...
Clarify to him that W.W.J.D. does NOT mean "Who would Jesus Do."

10. After you dump him...
Tell him that Jesus Christ will never leave or forsake him.

I don't do this myself, being a married woman, but if something were to happen to Mr. Etheldreda, I know my ministry would be secure. Men seem to flock to me, always wanting my attention. It's a God Thing.

Missionary Dating? It sounds like a very good plan! Men do have this odd tendency to flock to me. It would also be a great way to show how Jesus delivered me from my sin!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Greetings!

Welcome to God's favorite forum. Do you have your father's permissin to be posting here?

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Greetings!

Missionary Dating? It sounds like a very good plan! Men do have this odd tendency to flock to me. It would also be a great way to show how Jesus delivered me from my sin!

I must caution you that Mrs. Etheldrada is a very innocent and Godly lady, and is therefore lucky enough not to know what goes on out there in the modern dating scene.

If Sister Mary had any idea how bad it's gotten, I suspect she would advise you to stay far away from any type of dating arrangement with any man who is not already a True Christian™. I would be happy to discuss with you any sorts of dating issues you may have, in private if that makes you feel more comfortable. Tell me, do you have a Web cam?

[Carl the wop]

Re: Greetings!

Hello everyone!
My name is Penelope Smith and I am 20 years old. I attend Abyssinian Baptist Church. My favorite Scripture is John 8:36.

Before I came to know Jesus, I was an absolute wreckage. It was beyond the point where I got mixed up with the wrong crowd, I was the leader of the wrong crowd. I seduced guys left and right, was on birth control, and was essentially a total slut. It literally makes me sick to my stomach looking back.
One night, after a gigantic party, I was walking home. On the way back I felt a smack on the back of my head and fell unconscious. When I woke up I was collapsed in front of a church. It just happened to be Abyssinian. I felt the call of Jesus and figured that I was about as low as I could possibly get and still be alive. Using the little strength I had left, I literally dragged myself into the church. A service was going on at the time, and they were having an altar call. At 9:30 pm, I accepted Jesus as my Savior and Lord.

I have never gone back to the way I was before Jesus came into my life. I won't go back and I can't go back.

Anyway, it's nice to meet all of you.

- Penelope

Abyssinian?? Does that mean you're of the "brown" persuasion, or have been indoctrinated? You must be cleansed of that stain before you can become a True Christian. Also, you must work on your mastery of the Lord's Native Tongue.

[Penelope Smith]

Re: Greetings!

Welcome to God's favorite forum. Do you have your father's permissin to be posting here?

Thank you for your kind welcome! Due to the untimely disappearance of my father, I was not able to secure permission from him. However since my father's disappearance I was placed in the care of my eldest brother. I do have permission from him.

I must caution you that Mrs. Etheldrada is a very innocent and Godly lady, and is therefore lucky enough not to know what goes on out there in the modern dating scene.

If Sister Mary had any idea how bad it's gotten, I suspect she would advise you to stay far away from any type of dating arrangement with any man who is not already a True Christian™. I would be happy to discuss with you any sorts of dating issues you may have, in private if that makes you feel more comfortable. Tell me, do you have a Web cam?

While I appreciate your kind offer, I don't have a webcam due to a small incident in which my webcam went flying at someone's head. That incident was deemed an accident, however.

Abyssinian?? Does that mean you're of the "brown" persuasion, or have been indoctrinated? You must be cleansed of that stain before you can become a True Christian. Also, you must work on your mastery of the Lord's Native Tongue.

I happen to have been classified as Negro by heredity, however I can assure you that I have full command of the Lord's Native Tongue.

[Carl the wop]

Re: Greetings!

Huzzah and greetings, sister. I hope you will be inspired by the Word of Lord here.

[Matthew Hopkins]

Re: Greetings!

Welcome, Peneleekwa.

LBC runs a successful negro rehabilitation program: have a look here for more information.

May you shine with the love of the Lord!

YBIC

[Penelope Smith]

Re: Greetings!

Huzzah and greetings, sister. I hope you will be inspired by the Word of Lord here.

Thank you for your welcome. I already have been inspired by the Word of God that is applied to everyday life here. The True Christians here have a love of God that is astounding. It really inspires me to take my serving of the True And Living God to a new level.

[Penelope Smith]

Re: Greetings!

Welcome, Peneleekwa.

LBC runs a successful negro rehabilitation program: have a look here for more information.

May you shine with the love of the Lord!

YBIC

Thank you for your kind welcome! I will most certainly look into this Ex-Negro ministry.

[Pastor Ed Lowman]

Re: Greetings!

A cautious welcome, Penelope. But I must say, it is always nice to hear it when a penitent soul broken by the world comes crawling to Jesus (literally, in this case).

I'm sure when you were baptized and were seated in the section for your kind at church, you really stood out as one who has truly been cleansed from evil (let us hope).

Carry on.

YiC,

Pastor Ed