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  • #1

    Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

    I was hoping to post on the thread where sinners ask for prayers but I am yet unworthy. After many years of unbridled and enthusiastic adultery, I have endeavored to remain chaste since I found Jesus whilst trolling for new meat in yon adult bookstore. Prior to my exposure to the one true Christ I was a practicing and devout member of the Church of the SubGenius since 1979. I was an acolyte of the Reverend J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, who introduced me to the wonderful world of adultery. Among other accomplishments, I can proudly claim membership in Willard Mitt Romney's infamous "Binders Full of Women," which in case you didn't know was the catalog of his potential wives' auxiliary. I was number three and was just barely saved from a life of luxury and untold riches but my adult bookstore encounter (see above). My 1963 Corvair with the shifter on the dash already was lifted up via the new garage elevator in La Jolla. Those who speak with foreign tongues are wicked and evil and must stop immediately saying LA HOYA or be damned to the eternal fire. I have adulterated many an unsuspecting soul and now understand that without immediate intervention I may have no hope of salvation. I am asking with a pure heart and willing soul that you lay your hands on me and wipe me clean. Thank you , and thank y'all too.
    This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

    Hello and welcome to our friendly forums!



    What church do you go to now?

    What is your favorite Bible verse?
    Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

      There are a few former cult members on here that worshipped slack, whatever that means. The path to salvation for you will be long and difficult with all that baggage.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

        Alas and ahoy, I am unwelcome in all Houses of the Lord and must worship in the outhouse of the Lord.

        And praise the holy n_me of _____, I have been unburdened of slackness and am once again tight. I know that the path will be filled with despair and I have girded my loins to face the long and perhaps even the difficult.

        1 Timothy 5:6

        King James Version (KJV)
        6 But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth.
        Just sayin'.
        This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

          What in the sam hell are you talking about, lady? Are you a jewess or something?
          Who Will Jesus Damn?

          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

            NO! I am no Jooess, although I have known some Masonic Joos who now believe in the One True ______.

            In the Church of the SubGenius we were taught to never speak or write the Holy N___. Is that what you are questioning, sir?
            This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

              Originally posted by Reformed Adulteress View Post
              NO! I am no Jooess, although I have known some Masonic Joos who now believe in the One True ______.

              In the Church of the SubGenius we were taught to never speak or write the Holy N___. Is that what you are questioning, sir?
              Listen up slapper. Who in the sam Hell is _______.? It would appear to me that you are trolling, unsuccessfully, I might add.
              Isaiah 66:15

              For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

                I do not understand. What is a slapper? And what is trolling? I am not feeling welcome here today.
                This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

                  Originally posted by Reformed Adulteress View Post
                  I do not understand. What is a slapper? And what is trolling? I am not feeling welcome here today.
                  You weren't welcome yesterday, either.

                  YBIC

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

                    Mary Etheldreda welcomed me. What is the problem with you men? Are you bothered that I admit my life of lustful sin?
                    This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

                      Originally posted by Reformed Adulteress View Post
                      Mary Etheldreda welcomed me. What is the problem with you men? Are you bothered that I admit my life of lustful sin?

                      Since our beloved Sister Mary welcomed you here, all that you have done is spout vapid nonsense.

                      Snap out of it, woman. This sort of drivel gives me a headache.

                      YBIC

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

                        Golly, I am trying to snap out of it, that's why I came here, to seek succor and guidance. Instead I am called names and belittled yet I am not told how to correct my errors. I want to be good enough to meet with the approval of the True ChristiansTM. Please help me learn how to do so.
                        This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

                          Originally posted by Reformed Adulteress View Post
                          Mary Etheldreda welcomed me. What is the problem with you men? Are you bothered that I admit my life of lustful sin?
                          There is no problem with the men! They are trying to help you!

                          What you need to do, dear, is to give up whatever foolishness you're hanging onto now and read the Holy Bible.

                          You can request one at your local Baptist Church, read one in your local library, or read online HERE.

                          Start at the beginning, and read through every word. Don't skip any parts. Come back when you have questions or comments.

                          Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

                            Originally posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
                            There is no problem with the men! They are trying to help you!

                            What you need to do, dear, is to give up whatever foolishness you're hanging onto now and read the Holy Bible.

                            You can request one at your local Baptist Church, read one in your local library, or read online HERE.

                            Start at the beginning, and read through every word. Don't skip any parts. Come back when you have questions or comments.

                            Amen! Reformed Adultress would do well to follow your shining example.

                            And what does her signature mean? Is she insane?

                            YBIC

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Reformed Adulteress'sssss Introduction

                              Originally posted by Reformed Adulteress View Post
                              I do not understand. What is a slapper? And what is trolling? I am not feeling welcome here today.
                              Ok girl. A slapper is a loose woman, and while we respect you for your attempt to repent from this, we have seen nothing from you that actually relates to The Holy Bible (KJV 1611).

                              Use the Good Book girl. Live by it literally. Only then will you find salvation..

                              John 5:24

                              Uerily, verily I say vnto you, Hee that heareth my word, & beleeueth on him that sent mee, hath euerlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation: but is passed from death vnto life.

                              Please just try to live your life by The Word. Jesus loves YOU, but only if you submit to HIS word.
                              Isaiah 66:15

                              For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.

                              Comment

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