X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 1
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous template Next
  • HisWillBeDone
    Unsaved trash
    Under Investigation
    • Dec 2012
    • 3
    #1

    Hello. I will never forget you.

    Hello, and blessed be! I'm so happy to have found such a loving, pragmatic group of people to share my ideas with. I can tell even from my limited interaction with Landover so far, that you are all, for the most part, extremely dedicated and intellectual individuals (and also some wonderful mothers from what I understand) who truly want to spread the gospel and save wayward souls... And if not save souls, then at least let those souls know what they have coming if they keep up with their perversions. Its such a breath of fresh air, here amongst equals (and womenfolk), after dealing with the mindless secular thugs who seem to 'have run of the place,' as it were, elsewhere on these internets.

    You should all be aware that I am indeed a true follower of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I am also a community leader of sorts, a part-time celery farmer, and a counselor at a summer camp for teen boys which I founded some 10 years ago now. I'm not ashamed to admit that my ventures with these teen boys have garnered me some amount of success, as well as national scandal and intrigue. None of the charges are true of course, just the liberal media at it again, trying to poison the minds of our youth against a good, gentle god-fearing man. Besides, at the end of the day the body is just an earthly vessel, if one derives pleasure from life, the soul remains untarnished. Victor Hugo or Margaret Thatcher or some such person said that once I believe. But I regress. I have saved, and been saved.

    Unfortunately, I'm going to have to cut this short as bedtime looms, so I'm going to leave you with an impromptu list of my thoughts:

    -The Last Samurai
    -Caterpillar Rolls
    -Denzel Washingon
    -Carl Sagan
    -Jesus
    -Malapropisms
    -Serval Cats
    -Sloth Astronauts
    -Copenhagen
    -Silk
    -Jesus
    -Combat Knives
    -Dolphins talking like people
    -Other assorted animals talking like people
    -People talking like animals
    -The final frontier
    -Checkmate
    -Jesus
    -Shenmue 3

    Well now I'm depressed. I'm going to go get in a quick prayer before either hitting the hay, or martyring myself in the name all of my wonderful new friends, and what we collectively stand for. You guys have always been there for me when no one else was... especially my wife Alice, dreadful woman. I caught her masturbating some years ago would you believe. Shameful whore. Well that about wraps it up I suppose. Don't bother praying for my worldly shell, by the time you read this the decision will have been made and executed. (A possible pun, how exciting!) This post is on a 30 min delay. Goodnight and Godbless America.
    Tags: None
    • Mary Etheldreda
      Gushing for Jesus
       
      • Sep 2011
      • 23775
      #2
      Re: Hello. I will never forget you.

      Originally posted by HisWillBeDone View Post
      martyring myself
      I'm confused. Are you a muslim?
      Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

        Comment

        • Pastor Ezekiel
          Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
           
          • Sep 2006
          • 78556
          #3
          Re: Hello. I will never forget you.

          Originally posted by HisWillBeDone View Post
          Hello, and blessed be!
          No, it's a witch!
          Who Will Jesus Damn?

          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

            Comment

            • Pim Pendergast
              PHD - Theophysicist
              Saving The Lost With The Truth Of Applied Theoscience
              True Christian™
              • Jun 2012
              • 3103
              #4
              Re: Hello. I will never forget you.

              That's interesting, but how about tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus? And what was the point of the stream-of-consciousness list? And why is Jesus second last on it?
              sigpicMt 21:42, 44 Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes . . . ? And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.

              Find out what the Bible says about: Fortnite: Battle Royale, asexuality, shaving, psychiatry, chronic fatigue syndrome, babies

                Comment

                • Russell Holbeck
                  True Christian™
                  True Christian™
                  • Dec 2012
                  • 735
                  #5
                  Re: Hello. I will never forget you.

                  Hello HisWillBeDone. What do you do when you are not farming celery? It seems that would be a full time job although I admit I have never been a celery farmer. I did crop tobacco when I was younger but I do not recommend that job.

                  I think you should make celery farming your full time job because I do not want you to be hungry. There is a Bible verse Proverbs 19:15 that warns about this.

                  Slothfulness casteth into a deep sleep; and an idle soul shall suffer hunger.

                  I am not calling you lazy I just do not want you to go hungry. There is only so much celery you can eat.

                  Thank you.

                  Rusty
                  Psalms 116:6 The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me.

                    Comment

                    Previous template Next
                    Working...