Tweet
Glory onto Him! I am so happy to see so many of God's faithful collected here today.
Brothers and silent in the pews sisters, I humbly come before you all today a changed and saved man! Born and raised in a small God blessed southern town, I was raised up good and proper in a traditional Southern Baptist home just like the Good Lord intended. I spent my youthful days productively, casting stones at interracial couples, mocking atheists for their dark and foolish heats, advocating for the execution of Wiccans, you know...wholesome Christian stuff! But I tell you brothers and sisters, I was not yet saved. God would challenge me and shake my faith in just a few short years.
College was my ordeal in the dessert, you see. That wicked, sinful place of higher learning. Little did my young mind know what terrors and abominations such a foul place would hold. The young women there were not modest God fearing women, but painted harlots, whores of Babylon. The Greek named fraternities should have served as a warning for me, but I failed then to see the homo-erotic imagery imbedded in their sinful drunken orgies. My biology professor, a foul, wicked man, insisted beyond all Biblical reason that bats were not birds! Worse still, my roommate took a course in Women's Studies. Naturally I requested a change of dorm mates, as no proper man would seek to study the ways of women, but before the room change came about I inquired him about those studies, asking him why he wished to learn about cooking and ironing. Brethren, imagine my shock upon hearing that Women's Studies failed to include a single oven or ironing board! What could they possibly be studying? What indeed. Let me tell you, brothers, they learned recipes in those unholy classes ...recipes for moral decay! Recipes for abomination!
If this were the world around me, how could my good Bible be right? Oh, it was a dilemma! My faith began to slide. My low point came when I took up strong drink and began dating a Methodist. A Methodist! That is one sinful step away from atheist! And she whispered horrible things to me while we held hands in sin. She told me the Bible was first printed in Latin!
This is the word of the Almighty God, and it was first printed in a pagan tongue! How could this be?
I pulled my hand from hers as if burned and staggered though the evil campus with only a bottle of alcohol for company. Then I realized what I was holding. I wasn't a pious Irish whiskey or a bourbon from the Tennessee promised land, it was a bottle of heathen cactus juice made in Mexico, a Latin speaking country. God was mocking me, chastising me, testing me. I cast that bottle away from me as I would cast away a demon, and slammed it high onto a wall. But unlike a faithfully crafted American promised land bottle it failed to shatter. Instead the heathen bottle bounced back and bashed me smartly upon the head. I saw stars then, brothers. I saw the righteous light of God! I knew then what I must do. A revelation struck me then. God in His infinite wisdom had first written the Bible in Latin because he knew that the Mexican's would migrate to the promised land, and he wanted them to be prepared to take their lesser but still labor worthy place as servants to His chosen people! It all made perfect sense.
To atone for my sins I quit college the next morning, collected my belongings, and became a missionary, spreading His Divine message to the unbelievers. Now I wasn't about to soil my hands in one of those filthy countries, so I took my message on the road and toured the Blue states. After all, a True Christian would never vote Democrat. There I saw more terrors and signs of moral decay. Men dressed as women, women dressed as men. I sought refuge from the weather in a New England church one stormy night, but rushed back into the icy winds upon discovering the minister there was a woman...in pants! These sinful people even neglect their Godly duties of owning and maintaining firearms. How do they plan on repelling the hordes of sodomite demons, those fools? Even worse, these Blue infidels snub their noses at God and blatantly work on the Sabbath! These were tying times indeed, but I persevered. And eventually, God told me that I had done enough. I bought a used circus tent and made my way back south working as a humble revival preacher, healing those pious enough to offer onto God their worldly cash. And here I stand before you all today, a simple God fearing man with naught but a battered canvass circus tent, a well read King James Bible, a Rolls, a God approved Armani suit and complimentary platinum Rolex, and a meager few suitcases full of money.
I am asked here my favorite Biblical passage. To me, nothing better exemplifies the loving wisdom of God than Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Glory!
Brothers and silent in the pews sisters, I humbly come before you all today a changed and saved man! Born and raised in a small God blessed southern town, I was raised up good and proper in a traditional Southern Baptist home just like the Good Lord intended. I spent my youthful days productively, casting stones at interracial couples, mocking atheists for their dark and foolish heats, advocating for the execution of Wiccans, you know...wholesome Christian stuff! But I tell you brothers and sisters, I was not yet saved. God would challenge me and shake my faith in just a few short years.
College was my ordeal in the dessert, you see. That wicked, sinful place of higher learning. Little did my young mind know what terrors and abominations such a foul place would hold. The young women there were not modest God fearing women, but painted harlots, whores of Babylon. The Greek named fraternities should have served as a warning for me, but I failed then to see the homo-erotic imagery imbedded in their sinful drunken orgies. My biology professor, a foul, wicked man, insisted beyond all Biblical reason that bats were not birds! Worse still, my roommate took a course in Women's Studies. Naturally I requested a change of dorm mates, as no proper man would seek to study the ways of women, but before the room change came about I inquired him about those studies, asking him why he wished to learn about cooking and ironing. Brethren, imagine my shock upon hearing that Women's Studies failed to include a single oven or ironing board! What could they possibly be studying? What indeed. Let me tell you, brothers, they learned recipes in those unholy classes ...recipes for moral decay! Recipes for abomination!
If this were the world around me, how could my good Bible be right? Oh, it was a dilemma! My faith began to slide. My low point came when I took up strong drink and began dating a Methodist. A Methodist! That is one sinful step away from atheist! And she whispered horrible things to me while we held hands in sin. She told me the Bible was first printed in Latin!
This is the word of the Almighty God, and it was first printed in a pagan tongue! How could this be?
I pulled my hand from hers as if burned and staggered though the evil campus with only a bottle of alcohol for company. Then I realized what I was holding. I wasn't a pious Irish whiskey or a bourbon from the Tennessee promised land, it was a bottle of heathen cactus juice made in Mexico, a Latin speaking country. God was mocking me, chastising me, testing me. I cast that bottle away from me as I would cast away a demon, and slammed it high onto a wall. But unlike a faithfully crafted American promised land bottle it failed to shatter. Instead the heathen bottle bounced back and bashed me smartly upon the head. I saw stars then, brothers. I saw the righteous light of God! I knew then what I must do. A revelation struck me then. God in His infinite wisdom had first written the Bible in Latin because he knew that the Mexican's would migrate to the promised land, and he wanted them to be prepared to take their lesser but still labor worthy place as servants to His chosen people! It all made perfect sense.
To atone for my sins I quit college the next morning, collected my belongings, and became a missionary, spreading His Divine message to the unbelievers. Now I wasn't about to soil my hands in one of those filthy countries, so I took my message on the road and toured the Blue states. After all, a True Christian would never vote Democrat. There I saw more terrors and signs of moral decay. Men dressed as women, women dressed as men. I sought refuge from the weather in a New England church one stormy night, but rushed back into the icy winds upon discovering the minister there was a woman...in pants! These sinful people even neglect their Godly duties of owning and maintaining firearms. How do they plan on repelling the hordes of sodomite demons, those fools? Even worse, these Blue infidels snub their noses at God and blatantly work on the Sabbath! These were tying times indeed, but I persevered. And eventually, God told me that I had done enough. I bought a used circus tent and made my way back south working as a humble revival preacher, healing those pious enough to offer onto God their worldly cash. And here I stand before you all today, a simple God fearing man with naught but a battered canvass circus tent, a well read King James Bible, a Rolls, a God approved Armani suit and complimentary platinum Rolex, and a meager few suitcases full of money.
I am asked here my favorite Biblical passage. To me, nothing better exemplifies the loving wisdom of God than Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Glory!
Comment