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  • TheBeardedOne
    Unsaved trash
    Under Investigation
    • Dec 2013
    • 2
    #1

    Ive accepted Jesus but now I have another problem

    Hi,

    Im a member of the big church down the road (cant remember the name) but am having a serious problem with my beliefs after a recent incident. It all started after hearing a sermon about accepting Jesus unconditionally into your life. Being the good christian I am, I took the preacher at his word and did just that and the next time Jesus came around to cut my lawn, I took him in. Problem now is, I cant get the lazy bastard outta my house, hes been hanging around for weeks, eating my food, lying on the couch watching porn. I gotta say, apart from the sandals and long hair, Jesus is kinda of a let down.
    Any advice please? Im not even sure my lord and saviour has a visa and I cant understand a word his lazy ass says.

    Go with god
    Tags: None
    • Mary Etheldreda
      Gushing for Jesus
       
      • Sep 2011
      • 23775
      #2
      Re: Ive accepted Jesus but now I have another problem

      Those crafty bastards will take credit when it's not theirs, too.




      Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

        Comment

        • TheBeardedOne
          Unsaved trash
          Under Investigation
          • Dec 2013
          • 2
          #3
          Re: Ive accepted Jesus but now I have another problem

          You said it sister. They say 'no good act goes unpunished, how right they are.

          go with God

            Comment

            • Mary Etheldreda
              Gushing for Jesus
               
              • Sep 2011
              • 23775
              #4
              Re: Ive accepted Jesus but now I have another problem

              Oh I DO go with God! All the time! Jesus is with me All. The. TIME!

              \0/

              Say, why don't you tell us a little about yourself? What is your favorite Bible verse, and how did you come to find Jesus?

              Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                Comment

                • Cranky Old Man
                  Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah
                  You kids get off his lawn!
                   
                  • Jan 2010
                  • 22380
                  #5
                  Re: Ive accepted Jesus but now I have another problem

                  Originally posted by TheBeardedOne View Post
                  hes been hanging around for weeks, eating my food, lying on the couch watching porn
                  That sounds like a Mexican. You need to get rid of it ASAP before it chains itself to your house. Once that happens all that remains is burning down your house and starting all over from scratch.
                  5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                  To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                  James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                    Comment

                    • Alvin Moss
                      Serving Jesus
                      True Christian™
                      • Aug 2013
                      • 4468
                      #6
                      Re: Ive accepted Jesus but now I have another problem

                      In Mexican countries, most of the men are named Jesus or Juan, except for a few with names like Hilario and such as that.

                      I think that Jesus you have in your house is one of those Mexicans named Jesus. The best way to tell is to get him to say his name. If he says "Hay zoos", then he is a Mexican for sure, because that's how they pronounce Jesus in Mexican countries.

                      They are a blasphemous people, those Mexicans. They are Romans almost entirely. Only a tribe of barbarians would have the gall to name their children Jesus. It is things like this that makes the Lord hate the Mexicans and that is why he visits volcanos, earthquakes and drought upon them.
                      God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11

                        Comment

                        • Pastor Ezekiel
                          Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                           
                          • Sep 2006
                          • 78556
                          #7
                          Re: Ive accepted Jesus but now I have another problem

                          You look like a gay hippie. Go get a shave for crying out loud. Clean yourself up.
                          Who Will Jesus Damn?

                          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                            Comment

                            • Attila's Wife
                              True Christian™
                              True Christian™
                              • Jul 2013
                              • 1941
                              #8
                              Re: Ive accepted Jesus but now I have another problem

                              Welcome, BeardedOne. It looks like your avatar is upside-down. Maybe a forum administrator could fix that for you?

                              I think what you have there is not Jesus but The Jesus. Does he look like this?

                              2 Timothy 3:16

                              All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:


                                Comment

                                • WWJDnow
                                  True Christian™
                                  True Christian™
                                  • Aug 2009
                                  • 6316
                                  #9
                                  Re: Ive accepted Jesus but now I have another problem

                                  Originally posted by Alvin Moss View Post
                                  In Mexican countries, most of the men are named Jesus or Juan, except for a few with names like Hilario and such as that....

                                  Only a tribe of barbarians would have the gall to name their children Jesus. It is things like this that makes the Lord hate the Mexicans and that is why he visits volcanos, earthquakes and drought upon them.
                                  I certainly don't condone this blasphemous practice, but, to be honest, I suspect that God is even more upset by kids named Hilario than He is by kids named Jesus.
                                  The Christian Right: The Only Right Way to Be a Christian!

                                    Comment

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