[Witch Hammer]

Re: I'm sorry

May I please ask you to elaborate? I'm afraid that I don't understand the meaning of your statement, pastor.

Don't play coy, son. I'm sure you punch the muppet several times a day...your honesty before the Lord and this assembly of believers is crucial. How can you be truly released from satan's grip whilst your willy is still clenched firmly in yours?

[ThatOneGuyHolmberg]

Re: I'm sorry

Don't play coy, son. I'm sure you punch the muppet several times a day...your honesty before the Lord and this assembly of believers is crucial. How can you be truly released from satan's grip whilst your willy is still clenched firmly in yours?

I'm sorry, I truly am. I just didn't understand what he was trying to ask. Now that I do, I would like to state that the bible doesn't say a thing about masturbation. It simply denounces all forms of sexual impurities and fantasies that would involve any mental, physical, or other adulterous activities. Masturbation is a healthy, non adulterating way around those fantasies.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: I'm sorry

Masturbation is a healthy, non adulterating way around those fantasies.

Who told you that, satan? The crusty sock will be your doom, child! Repent!

[ThatOneGuyHolmberg]

Re: I'm sorry

Who told you that, satan? The crusty sock will be your doom, child! Repent!

Hammer, I don't understand. Why are you acting in this manner? I believe in god, and have my full faith in Christ. Why is that not enough? I want to go out in the world, and scream at the top of my lungs God's word. Why is that not enough? I want to find everyone who doesn't believe in God, and try with all of my might to convert them. Why is that not enough?

[Jedediah]

Re: I'm sorry

Hammer, I don't understand. Why are you acting in this manner? I believe in god, and have my full faith in Christ. Why is that not enough? I want to go out in the world, and scream at the top of my lungs God's word. Why is that not enough? I want to find everyone who doesn't believe in God, and try with all of my might to convert them. Why is that not enough?

If you truly love the LORD, why don't you keep His commandments?

John 14:21
He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

Every time you spill seed outside of a fertile womb (whose owner you are married to), you commit an egregious act of mass murder against millions of precious sperm children who only want a chance to grow up and accept Jesus Christ as their personal LORD and Savior. God struck Onan dead for the very same offense (Genesis 38:9-10). Jesus tells us that fantasizing about anyone other than your lawfully wedded wife constitutes adultery and, by extension, hellfire (Matthew 5:28).

Maybe you should get married sooner rather than later, after all. Either that, or chop off your tallywhacker.

Mark 9:43-48
And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.
And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.
And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire:
where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.

Tell us, son. Do you love Jesus enough to start lopping off body parts that stand between you and loving Him? Do you love Jesus enough to chop off your tallywhacker?

Matthew 19:12
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.


Now that you have accepted Jesus into your heart, I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I'm sorry

Holmberg, what is this about you causing an Amber alert? I would like to know more about that. My van was briefly the subject of an Amber alert, and let me tell you, that was a real mess to clear up.

Also, stop masturbating. Stop it right now, and don't ever do it again!

[ThatOneGuyHolmberg]

Re: I'm sorry

Holmberg, what is this about you causing an Amber alert? I would like to know more about that. My van was briefly the subject of an Amber alert, and let me tell you, that was a real mess to clear up.

Also, stop masturbating. Stop it right now, and don't ever do it again!

Three things. 1: Don't call me that, ever. 2: That's not how an amber alert works. 3: I don't masturbate, I just feel as if those who want to should have the freedom to.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I'm sorry

Three or four things:

1. Don't tell your betters what to do.

2. If you don't want to be called Holmberg, then why is that your username? And how would you prefer to be addressed?

3. My van's description and license plate were broadcast throughout the West Coast, due to a silly misunderstanding. I think I know pretty well how an Amber alert works. If you have your own theory, I'd love to hear it.

4. The Bible is very clear in its condemnation of adultery and fornication, and equally clear about the fact that masturbation is both of those things. You can not claim to be following Jesus' teaching while simultaneously advocating masturbation. This is what you'd call a "deal breaker." Stop masturbating immediately, or suffer aeternal hellfire.

[Zechariah Smyth]

Re: I'm sorry

Three things. 1: Don't call me that, ever. 2: That's not how an amber alert works. 3: I don't masturbate, I just feel as if those who want to should have the freedom to.

1. You are in no position to demand ANYTHING of a True Christian(tm).



2. If you tell people is alright to "shake hands with the unemployed" you are going completely against Scripture. You been shown several places in the Bible where this perverted self-rape is condemned: if you think it's ok, how about supporting your view with The Word?

Yours in Christ,

Zech

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I'm sorry

It seems like Holm- er, That One Guy, is not quite as sorry as he'd claimed to be.

I'm praying real hard for him.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: I'm sorry

Don't call me that, ever.

Why ever not? Did a man touch you in a bad place as he wispered the name softly in your ear as you cried silent tears on your pillow?

Or is it the name of the place he said he would take you where you would ne'er see your parents again?

Or perhaps the only friend you had who vanished into the night after sobbing to you on the phone that the man said he had to 'go'?

Otherwise I'm frankly at a loss

YIC

[ThatOneGuyHolmberg]

Re: I'm sorry

Because I prefer that my name not be used on this forum. YOU changed my username without my Consent, and I would prefer that I be addressed by my anonymous name.

[ThatOneGuyHolmberg]

Re: I'm sorry

It seems like Holm- er, That One Guy, is not quite as sorry as he'd claimed to be.

I'm praying real hard for him.

You shouldn't be. I don't even masturbate, and I was just providing an argument. I would give my life for Christ, and that is not what is in question. What is in question is your perpencity to instigate unneccesary altercations for the sake of a zealous attitude.

[Attila's Wife]

Re: I'm sorry

What is in question is your perpencity to instigate unneccesary altercations for the sake of a zealous attitude.

Aaargh! Enough! I am sorry, Brothers and Sisters in Christ, but I am sure I speak for many of the women here - the many years we spent home-schooling our children and grandchildren make it difficult to ignore this.***

Please, Holmberg dear, I beg of you:

1. Stop using words that you only heard someone use once without first looking them up. It's not big and it's not clever, especially when you misheard them and therefore have no idea how to spell them. (The word, by the way, is propensity.)

2. You have a spell-checker. Use it so as to avoid unnecessary errors.

3. "If in doubt about a word, use another word" is a pretty good rule.

I will pray for you, dear.

*** As an aside, it might be helpful for us to start a Remedial Written English thread, to help young people who have not had the benefit of a proper education.

[ExGay Alex]

Re: I'm sorry

Holmberg, I find it hard to believe you don't masturbate. Most teenaged boys cannot keep their hands off themselves. I try to counsel many of them to think about Jesus when they feel sexually aroused.

As far as people having the "right" to rape themselves, I differ with that view. I don't think people have the "right" to masturbate any more than they have the right to murder, steal, covet or associate with gaysexuals. These are all sins and fall short of the glory of God. I don't to any of these. Praise Jesus.