[Santa Claus]

Re: Christmas Wish List 2017 - Ask Santa!

Doesn’ really compare with Jesus’ gift of ever lasting life.



YIC

Laurie dear,

No, it doesn't compare. The presents that I deliver are actual tangible goods, mostly made on the sacred plastic that has helped me more than anything win over the hearts and minds of young youths such as you. The Jesus boy gives you promises that may one day come into fruition with undecipherable but disappointingly low probability. I also give some of the best advice imaginable. Here's one for you.




Now you can sashey away to play with your little friends. Ho!

[handmaiden]

Re: Christmas Wish List 2017 - Ask Santa!

There you go!



Don't use this again to fry off the wings of flies or set shards of that Bible Book to fire. I trust you this time, Handels-Dandels. Be a good girl and I'll see you in a day or so, or at least your stockings and, please, try to wash them this time. Mrs Santa did not appreciate the organic stains that were very hard to remove after the contamination from your household.
Ho!

Santa, either your file system needs a reboot or your elves are not as reliable as God's prophets and apostles at recording events that happened before they were born or after they died.


It was one of my older brothers who burned down my parents' house years before I was born. Yes, I know that everyone in my family looks very much like each other due to generations of cousin-marriage back in the old country, but I was the one dressed in pink organdy and ruffles virtually all the time! Mixing me up with my brothers is just careless. I didn't even have a mustache at that age.


Furthermore Santa, as a True Christian(tm) I would never dream of setting fire to one shred of the Real(R) Bible. Mind you, there are scores of false versions out there that you could use to heat up your head quarters at the North Pole, but don't mess with the KJV. . . And bring me something nice, maybe one of those permanent hair-removal thingies.

[Santa Claus]

Re: Christmas Wish List 2017 - Ask Santa!

. . And bring me something nice, maybe one of those permanent hair-removal thingies.

Ho, Handy my shady-Maidy-Lady, you're one tough sheila! It is sometimes hard to follow the ever-changing neediness and wants and dos and don'ts of you people. No wonder the Jesus bruce is gonna destroy your infrastructure, livelihood and biosphere in his fantasies. I, on the other hand, concentrate on reliable delivery. Consider your wish fulfilled. I've been delivering to Japan, Nepal and India all night, but I'm still going strong and you can expect my thingies in your stockings later tonight!

[DolliMoans]

Re: Christmas Wish List 2017 - Ask Santa!

HO! It's the Little Moanie! FYI, the Santa Route is not sequential but simultaneous. My time, on Christmas, is always fulfilled. It's quantum stuff that even Jesus H. Christ has failed to attain! Ha! As for your requests, Í'm looking forward to delivering you stuff that you need. Let us begin with some practical items to help you keep your sanity and your remaining family alive.



And it's made from plastic. My favorite material!

What on God's green earth is that? Cookie stamps?


I thought long and hard of my list, and for each of my kids .. here we go:


For Adelaide - get her a nice red dress, doesn't need to be too demure because she's pushing 40, unmarried, and on the fast track well-past old bag-hood. She needs all the help she can get, so pull no punches in making her look good, before she's totally dried up.

For Eunice - Get a pre-paid appointment for laser eye-surgery. Her owl-horn glasses aren't helping her in the men department.

For Rush - He's asked for a pack of roofies to help subdue the eligible ladies he's after, and give them something to stop their whining.


For Crusher - Get him thick steel toed boots for kicking down queers at school. Add spikes on the bottom so he can keep them pinned to the ground, helpless, and at his control.

For Truth - Get her a megaphone so she can follow her passion and hit the streets, attracting all the good people with the Good News.

For Lloyd - He's asked for an A-to-Z book of Christian Science (Not a Catholic edition, thank you), so he can have something good to rebuttal atheists with.

For Mildrew - Get him a How to Pick up Chicks for Dummies book. He's have some difficulty, and I really don't want him to go gay.

For Scooter - Get him a proper chopper. He needs to give up his scooter. It's not cute anymore.

For Bud - I don't know what he wants. A six-pack may do.

For Carson - A lump of coal would suffice. He hasn't been very Christian this year.


For Boomhauer - Something for his Nascar trophy collection, maybe with a stencil of Donald Trump (and autograph).

For Donald - My youngest son needs a new safety lock for his pistol. We've had issues in the past with his trigger-happy tendencies.

For Grenadine - Sign my youngest up for a Pearly premium Meet-Christian-Singles dating site. It's never too early.

For me, myself - A supply of exclusive lard facial cream and all-inclusive vacation to Guam beach would be welcome.

For Mister Moans - Get him that hunting rifle he's been eyeing in the Guns of Men catalogue (you know which one. )

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Christmas Wish List 2017 - Ask Santa!

the North

Santa does seem a bit geographically challenged. I carefully included both Norwegian and Icelandic sources for him, not being sure where he thought he came from, and he wanted me to get some of that stinking cheese! I wonder if Job was thinking of Santa's head?

JOB 26 .KJV . look up
5-14 [Job speaking] Dead things are formed from under the waters, and the inhabitants thereof. Hell is naked before him, and destruction hath no covering. He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing. He bindeth up the waters in his thick clouds; and the cloud is not rent under them. He holdeth back the face of his throne, and spreadeth his cloud upon it. He hath compassed the waters with bounds, until the day and night come to an end. The pillars of heaven tremble and are astonished at his reproof. He divideth the sea with his power, and by his understanding he smiteth through the proud. By his spirit he hath garnished the heavens; his hand hath formed the crooked serpent. Lo, these are parts of his ways: but how little a portion is heard of him? but the thunder of his power who can understand?

Or he could be channelling that pope, John is it? (deceased) they've got dressed up in Italy a different country altogether. There is some resemblance.. I can't quite put my finger on it..

[Santa Claus]

Re: Christmas Wish List 2017 - Ask Santa!

What on God's green earth is that? Cookie stamps?

It is a pessary. You'll get it.

I thought long and hard of my list, and for each of my kids .. here we go:

Jesus H. Christ! You should know that making demands during delivery causes havoc to my carefully constructed infrastructure. I had to swoon back to the NP for some leftovers. You'll get what you deserve.

For Adelaide - get her a nice red dress, doesn't need to be too demure because she's pushing 40, unmarried, and on the fast track well-past old bag-hood. She needs all the help she can get, so pull no punches in making her look good, before she's totally dried up.

This one is for her.

For Eunice - Get a pre-paid appointment for laser eye-surgery. Her owl-horn glasses aren't helping her in the men department.

She'll be given a Eunice Barber poster.

For Rush - He's asked for a pack of roofies to help subdue the eligible ladies he's after, and give them something to stop their whining.

For Crusher - Get him thick steel toed boots for kicking down queers at school. Add spikes on the bottom so he can keep them pinned to the ground, helpless, and at his control.

He needs a decent male role model. Here's Wesley Crusher.

For Truth - Get her a megaphone so she can follow her passion and hit the streets, attracting all the good people with the Good News.

I'm giving her a new first name.

For Lloyd - He's asked for an A-to-Z book of Christian Science (Not a Catholic edition, thank you), so he can have something good to rebuttal atheists with.

For Mildrew - Get him a How to Pick up Chicks for Dummies book. He's have some difficulty, and I really don't want him to go gay.

Mildew can share Rush's gift.

For Scooter - Get him a proper chopper. He needs to give up his scooter. It's not cute anymore.

Can do.

For Bud - I don't know what he wants. A six-pack may do.

Here's a motivational sentence for him.

For Carson - A lump of coal would suffice. He hasn't been very Christian this year.

And he'll have a special guided all-expenses-covered shopping-tour with Carson Kressley.

For Boomhauer - Something for his Nascar trophy collection, maybe with a stencil of Donald Trump (and autograph).

Rush and Mildew can share.

For Donald - My youngest son needs a new safety lock for his pistol. We've had issues in the past with his trigger-happy tendencies.

For Grenadine - Sign my youngest up for a Pearly premium Meet-Christian-Singles dating site. It's never too early.

For me, myself - A supply of exclusive lard facial cream and all-inclusive vacation to Guam beach would be welcome.

Creams are out. Meanwhile, this will do.

For Mister Moans - Get him that hunting rifle he's been eyeing in the Guns of Men catalogue (you know which one. )

What he needs is a one-way ticket to Mongolia and I need a vacation.