Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

[Santa Claus]

Ho ho ho! Yes, it's the all-time everyone's favorite and the most popular supernatural being in the whole world! It is I, Santa! My extended vacation is over and the elfs are working on overdrive to fulfill YOUR requests for this Christmas.

Don't cry or pout, cause them elfs they're a-chekin' your antics. But my deal is a simple one. No just gotta be nice! I don't care if you believe in me or not - faith is overrated anyways - I cast righteous judgment based on your behavior. Be nice and you'll get nice things. If you have no faith in me, I'll still deliver. And if you wanna have proof you can just look and see me on the telly and I'll be there and on quite a few catalogs online and on paper. The Jesus guy can never top that!

Some basic rules remain. I don't deliver people. I don't deliver abstract concepts, such as love or eternal torment for someone who showed you a bikini ad without a trigger warning. I don't deliver body parts of endangered species including the rapidly decreasing populations of Baptists. Plastics are the most certain bid. Just get 'em Christmas Wish lists a-rollin', kids! This WINTER! Santa is COMING!! To a Chimney near YOU!!



Ho ho ho!

[Emily Brent]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Hello there. I would like two extra skeins of grey wool. It's so annoying, I lost a few balls, and I'm particularly distressed about it. It's only wool. I cannot finish the shawl I was knitting for my niece. The colours I request are grey and dark grey. She is a modest girl, and decent. These colors are most appropriate.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Santa

Jesus was pretty angry last year when you said you were better than Him. I don’t dare ask you for anything this year lest Christ is irritated 😣

But I still wanna know why you didn’t bring me a pony all those years. I know I have brought it up before but I don’t understand. Year after year I begged for a pony. Year after year I got underwear.

Tell Mrs. Claus I said hello. If your reindeer need dentistry before your journey this year make an appointment. I close at noon on Christmas Eve.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Guess I'll have to start paying carbon offsets for the lump of coal I get every year.

[Santa Claus]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Ho! It's lil' Em! Has it really been only a year?! You look so much older nowadays! Did you not use the XL wrinkle cream gift card of yesteryear?

Hello there. I would like two extra skeins of grey wool. It's so annoying, I lost a few balls, and I'm particularly distressed about it. It's only wool. I cannot finish the shawl I was knitting for my niece. The colours I request are grey and dark grey. She is a modest girl, and decent. These colors are most appropriate.

Can deliver. In fact, I can do better! I'll send you a "make-your-own-wool-from-scratch starter kit for kids of all ages!

And... You've been reasonably nice so you'll also receive a make-your-own-tool-to-enable-your-public-appearances starter kit! I know it's just the thing you need!



Ho, aren't you SWEET!

[Santa Claus]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Santa

Jesus was pretty angry last year when you said you were better than Him. I don’t dare ask you for anything this year lest Christ is irritated 😣

But I still wanna know why you didn’t bring me a pony all those years. I know I have brought it up before but I don’t understand. Year after year I begged for a pony. Year after year I got underwear.

Tell Mrs. Claus I said hello. If your reindeer need dentistry before your journey this year make an appointment. I close at noon on Christmas Eve.

Ho ho ho HO! It's the Horsey Guye!
You're always welcome to treat the upper jaw front teeth of Rudolf and the gang!

But, to get into the more serious business. Did you fail to understand during all those years that I had done better. Not only did I deliver you a pony - in fact, I did much better! I delivered you the make-your-own-pony-from-scratch starter kit for kids: the whole horse genome sequenced to make your own pony from scratch! Just assemble the DNA and you'll be holding your horses in no time! Here the gift once more: the internet link to the horse genome project!



Ho ho ho ho ho! Did I hear underwear! Of course I'll deliver. For you only: some horse panties.



Aren't you a darling with your understated tantrums!

[Santa Claus]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Guess I'll have to start paying carbon offsets for the lump of coal I get every year.

Didster baby! I always thought that you were the bright one. For all these years it should have been obvious that lumps of coal are just baby diamonds! You've been receiving the raw materials for the deluxe special platinum-level grow-your-own-diamonds-from-scratch starter kit year after year after year.



Just use the compressor and the particle accelerator and the lasers and the small but quite efficient nuclear reactor in the kit and you'll need an umbrella to take shelter from the diamond rain! You were always one of my favorites! The lump is on its way! Very very black, very very rich in promise. They can help you with the cutting and polishing in Amsterdam.

Ho ho ho!

[Isabella White]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Miss Larguez, is that you? Don't pretend you're not impersonating Santa and using that as an attempt to sneak back to Freehold to taunt dear Mayor Hold. What's your next trick? Pretending to be Devin Nunes' cow?

Sincerely, Isabella W.

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

My children know damn well that I'm the one who paid for their presents, not some fat eskimo heathen. I work my ass off supervising my employees as they run my motel, and I'm not about to let you take credit for it.

[Santa Claus]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Miss Larguez, is that you? Don't pretend you're not impersonating Santa and using that as an attempt to sneak back to Freehold to taunt dear Mayor Hold. What's your next trick? Pretending to be Devin Nunes' cow?

Sincerely, Isabella W.

Bella, my girlygirl darling child! You're so-o-o-o adorable when you're slightly upset! I do appreciate that you believe in me, as you're worried about usurpers! But, as I said, Faith® is irrelevant and being nice is the thing to do to get into the Hoarding Heaven of Christmas to Come! Ho ho ho!

You can obviously share the paperbag that I sent to Emily (bless her). But... you've been reasonably nice. So, I'll give you a nice plastic item related to one of your favorite verses 1 Timothy 2:12 (boy oh boy, how Lil' Timmy enjoyed this device every single year around the 60's and 70's of the first century). I am sure that you'll find it most useful! Ho!



You can attach any kinds of ribbons or leather bands to it!

[Santa Claus]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

My children know damn well that I'm the one who paid for their presents, not some fat eskimo heathen. I work my ass off supervising my employees as they run my motel, and I'm not about to let you take credit for it.

Dennis my menace cupcake! Ho, it's so nice that you also believe in me, even if it doesn't matter.

The elfs have monitored all your activities closely, and I am happy to say that you have indeed worked hard to run your motel with all the cleaning and organizing when you rent the rooms to all those cute couples by the hour! I am sorry that your ass is exhausted. I'll deliver a yule mule to you! They're hard-working and quite cute and not prone to the acts of fornication that you supposedly abhor so much. See your stockings in a few weeks!

[Emily Brent]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Hello Santa, its me Emily again.

I wondered to ask, why is it you see fit to grant a full grown man like this Pastor Ezekiel a plethora of jumble jets every year, yet the best you'd give an innocent niglet girl in Chad is stream water with perhaps 30% less diarrhea taint than usual for her diet? I'd like to know please.

[handmaiden]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Hello Whoeveryouare.

As a and more importantly, , I do not believe in you. I believe in Jesus and the virtues of a Free Market System. From these we derive our Great Blessings here in the .


Still, it would be remiss of me to pass up an opportunity to declare to the whole world where my true allegiance lies. Therefore, I will make a "wish" of what I want for Christmas.


I want the Mighty Truth about The Chosen One, our Dear Leader, President Donald J. Trump to come out and be hailed before the entire population of this planet.


There are those struggling against this Truth. They want to bury Donald's deeds beneath a pile of misdirections and obfuscations. This must not happen.


With the Grace of God and the Glory of Jesus by his side, I have confidence that things will work out for Trump. The Lord has made many promises to us in His Word, and The President has made many promises to us as well. God does not lie; therefore, neither does Donald Trump.

[Santa Claus]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Hello Santa, its me Emily again.

I wondered to ask, why is it you see fit to grant a full grown man like this Pastor Ezekiel a plethora of jumble jets every year, yet the best you'd give an innocent niglet girl in Chad is stream water with perhaps 30% less diarrhea taint than usual for her diet? I'd like to know please.

Em, darling!
You never liked nor used the shed with the tools and the Sheppach Tiger Wet Stone Sharpener, did you? I cannot give you wits, so I'll try to write this in simple English, avoiding participles and subordinate clauses, but not the santa clause. (I AM witty, aren't I).

Do you really think that a private jet is more valuable than clean drinking water? On what planet do you live? If a bordercollie of average intelligence with a 1000-word command of commands (and hence, exceeding Zeke's vocabulary by 50% and yours by 85) had the choice between a lifetime supply of clean drinking water and a private jet, which one would she choose?

You make value judgments based on prices. Money. Dough. Cash. Megabucks. You are just like your Jesus: worth is something dictated by an authority and for you it is monetary worth. I must admit that it is heart-breaking to see you succumb to the God of the Gold Standard. My tidings are more joyful: I deliver based on being nice, on the actual results of peoples' lives. The girl in Chad knows how to appreciate real worth.

I deliver. I deliver to you. Here's something to contain what you produce. Also recommended for oral use.



Ho ho ho! Be seeing you in a week my Ho!

[BibleReader2231]

Re: Naughty or nice? Santa's Gift Registry 2019!

Santa. What trash are you going to try to stash in my home this time? Wasn’t pleased and I know Pa made you scurry off so quickly I didn’t even get to see you after you smashed our living room windows in.