[MitzaLizalor]

Re: THE WAR!

I think you're confusing my life with the atrocious film "Hammersmith Is Out" in which the sorts of things likely to occur sans that leopard are front and central.

Including the consequences.

As it happens, pagan wretch recycling millennia-old debunked cosmologies or not, I've never showered in public and was always happy to accommodate the wishes of others before addressing my own simple requirements. Properly brewed tea, appropriate herbs and spices, wines as Jesus intended whether golden or green or black or even blue (I've heard) thank you for taking an interest. Satan will never prevail. Turn to Jesus today.

[Santa Claus]

Re: Mitzy-Bitzy's cute tantrum

I think you're confusing my life with the atrocious film "Hammersmith Is Out" in which the sorts of things likely to occur sans that leopard are front and central.

Including the consequences.

As it happens, pagan wretch recycling millennia-old debunked cosmologies or not, I've never showered in public and was always happy to accommodate the wishes of others before addressing my own simple requirements. Properly brewed tea, appropriate herbs and spices, wines as Jesus intended whether golden or green or black or even blue (I've heard) thank you for taking an interest. Satan will never prevail. Turn to Jesus today.

Ho, Mitzy! You are admittedly mostly nice and courteous while I have no idea what you're saying, so I'll humor you. I really don't understand your obsession with the Popes, but I do appreciate a good cuppa. Methinks that the following item is just what you need and cherish although it is made of porcelain and not my favorite substance, genuine plastic. With this collectible, your 5 o'clocks will be filled with joy and frolicking. Do not use a dishwasher, nor any strong detergents.

[James Hutchins]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Dear Santa:
I'd like a wife. It has been quite some time since my wife, Mrs. Huchins left, no one (certainly not me) has any clue or definite proof of her whereabouts. Time for a replacement, ideally a much better one.

I'd like her to be young but not too young, she must be fertile, with wide birthing hips and a slender waist. Beautiful and not speak. A fantastic cook and homemaker.. Agreeable with no opinions. She must know her place. Please send a catalog of suitable females from which I can audition.


You can check with Jesus, I have been very well behaved.

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Dear Santa:
I'd like a wife. It has been quite some time since my wife, Mrs. Huchins left, no one (certainly not me) has any clue or definite proof of her whereabouts. Time for a replacement, ideally a much better one.

I'd like her to be young but not too young, she must be fertile, with wide birthing hips and a slender waist. Beautiful and not speak. A fantastic cook and homemaker.. Agreeable with no opinions. She must know her place. Please send a catalog of suitable females from which I can audition.
You can check with Jesus, I have been very well behaved.

Howdy-ho, Jimbo-Bimbo my Baby Boy! I wish I could give you the awesome superpower of READING THE INSTRUCTIONS but I won't. You just have to struggle with the intuition that led you the above-mentioned undeliverable item, a wife.

Ho, please be reminded that I do not deliver people or abstract concepts ("love", "peace of mind", etc.). I do not deliver "health" tho on some occasions blue pills are acceptable.

I suppose that (obviously) by your definition wives are not "people" but "items" and as much as I'd like to deliver you an inflatable plastic manikin of a woman, I won't - You've been nice and I don't have to consult G-zuz to know that - my elfs have watched your every step. So I'm gonna deliver you a gift based on your needs. Behold this jumbo sousaphone that'll be yours in just a few weeks! Oom-pah Oom-pah!




AND it comes with a mute (in PLASTIC!) so that it won't "speak" when you don't want it to! Ho!



AND if you still insist on finding a suitable mate. I'll deliver to you a one-way plane ticket (economy class, not refundable) to Jersey Shore where you can browse the catalog of suitable mates in real life. You only get all this because you're one of my special boys, Jimbo-Bimbo! Ho ho ho!

[James Hutchins]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

A Sousaphone is as useful (perhaps more so) than a female. When you leave it in a closet for a few weeks, you will not have busy-body people needlessly calling the police because it is safely ensconced there. Although had you read my request, you'd of noticed I just wanted a catalog.

[handmaiden]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Santa, if you were the Real Deal(tm) like Jesus, you would already know that all I want is a good quality copy of # 14 Trixie Belden and the Mystery of the Emeralds , Deluxe Edition.

I'm sure that even Google already knows that. (But only Jesus knows what happened to my original copy.)

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Santa, if you were the Real Deal™ like Jesus, you would already know that all I want is a good quality copy of # 14 Trixie Belden and the Mystery of the Emeralds , Deluxe Edition.

I'm sure that even Google already knows that. (But only Jesus knows what happened to my original copy.)

Handy-Dandy! Long time no see. Can do: Here's the product to be delivered!



Now, I know that you're young and filled with the exuberant hubris of the youth and you are unaware of the risks this kind of restricted literature may pose. My elfs have reported that you're living in a religious community (to say the least) and there are quite a few perils associated with this kind of banned books.

1. The young woman on the cover wears pants - I surmise that it's not allowed?
2. She is casually smiling at a young man unsupervised.
3. The book series tells about emancipated young teenage girls who solve crimes, that is, take on police responsibilities.
4. Wearing trousers is apparently contrary to the Levitation part of a book or whatever.
5. The book you ordered is not the King Jamesy-Daincy version (he was a charming lad and really, really enjoyed the resin models of New World savages in loincloths that I used to deliver before plastics made their glorious entry but I'm digressing).

Because of all that, I'll also deliver one more hollowed Bible to your collection (to be put between the one containing your Handy-Brandy and the one with the gun replica).





Merry Christmas Handy-girl! Ho ho ho ho ho!

[handmaiden]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Wrong edition!

Does your wife and/or the elves have to read all those deluded children's letters to you?


Jesus would have known which Trixie Belden #14 Mystery of the Emeralds that I was talking about--even if I hadn't specified "Deluxe Edition".


Jesus knows everything. And I have never tried hiding things inside of a hollowed out book. That's what boxes of feminine hygiene products are for.

[Santa Claus]

Re: Handy's sweet tantrum - cut down the brandy, darling!

Wrong edition!

Does your wife and/or the elves have to read all those deluded children's letters to you?

Jesus would have known which Trixie Belden #14 Mystery of the Emeralds that I was talking about--even if I hadn't specified "Deluxe Edition".

Jesus knows everything. And I have never tried hiding things inside of a hollowed out book. That's what boxes of feminine hygiene products are for.

Of course, Dear, and Ho! To be frank, by strategy of intimidation (shared by J-zuz) is more or less something that is just promoted by tired parents without any real threat of cutting down the plastic mountain of the Holidays (Jesus's isn't). I always deliver.

Does Jesus deliver?

He might know (but I think he's too busy watching Netflix and being hidden and mysterious) what you desire but where are the packages by the chimney with his name on the label? I don't promise to deliver post-mortem, I actually deliver now and here. You can assess and verify my deliveries. Sometimes you might be disappointed and throw a cute tantrum (in your case, almost always but you still enjoy the brandy). You won't need hearsay or assertions to get proof of my activities. Look at the image below. It is an actual photo of my activities. I don't work in mysterious ways. I bring bright-colored joy for the forlorn, the elated, the rich, the poor, the medium-income, the young, the old, the stupid, the heretic, the believer and the belieber. You don't have to clap your hands and proclaim that you believe in fairies. The mountain of plastic toys remains regardless. Still waiting for that mustard seed to get the mountains redecorated. Peace!





AND Ho.

[handmaiden]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Wrong dwarf. Brandy makes me sleepy, not grumpy.

I'm grumpy because Jesus doesn't want me to have a husband, and Trixie Belden solving mysteries with her boy crush is the only sex I'm allowed.



Took me less than two minutes to find. And I have a slow computer.

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Wrong dwarf. Brandy makes me sleepy, not grumpy.

I'm grumpy because Jesus doesn't want me to have a husband, and Trixie Belden solving mysteries with her boy crush is the only sex I'm allowed.


Took me less than two minutes to find. And I have a slow computer.

Ho! I'm curious: Why do you judge the book by its cover? Isn't it the text and the content that decide the (always somewhat subjective) quality. Of course, a man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. And - as the Mythbusters once did - you actually can polish poop and it still remains poop. But - the poop may have its uses.

But I'm digressing. Let's skip the Trixie. Instead, I'm going to make a donation in your name and on your behalf to the Society for the Protection of the Lord Howe Island Stick Insect.



It's a fascinating story! You'll love this. This insect was also called the tree lobster and it lived abundantly on Lord Howe Island until rats (of course) accidentally reached that piece of land and decimated the stick insect population to extinction, almost as quickly as the cassowaries did with my elf stock. But, there is a nearby island called Ball's Pyramid.




And there, in the year 2001, at an altitude of about 100 meters on a small and narrow ledge with a shrub, they found 24 of these insects living on the very edge of existence. Eventually they brought a mating pair (they seem to mate for life) to Oz what you folks call Austria and there they've bred and there is now a population ready to be released back on Lord Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-howe Island. Ho!

As you can see, the Darwinian goodness of humankind - Disinterested love for all living creatures, our most noble attribute - is still going strong and now you're taking part! Awesome. To do something without actual compensation. Would you be ready to love the Jesus guy if there were no compensation in the admittedly questionable afterlife? Are you, Handy-Dandy and I'll also give you some of the Brandy to make you less grumpy. Something to your taste!

[handmaiden]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

The Deluxe Editions of the Trixie Belden books have beautiful illustrations. So, it's not the cover, it's the content. (There are also a few text edits.)

Also Trixie Belden #14, The Mystery of the Emeralds, Deluxe Edition was my very first Trixie Book and s very special to me. As mentioned earlier, only Jesus knows what really happened to the book and I would like an unsullied copy--OKAY??


And honestly Santa, you should know that my idea of a gift of alcohol would be a bottle of Dark Godiva Chocolate Liqueur. Or Chambord--and that's 'cause I like rasberries and I like the shape of the bottle.




Honestly, Santa, for a guy who supposedly knows things you really keep missing the mark. The only other booze that I tolerate is whipped creme-flavored vodka because it tastes good in my herbal tea which helps me sleep.


This notion of yours that I like brandy is based solely on your love of rhymes and my nickname. . . . . . And well, I like rhymes, too, so that's okay. . . I guess. . . . . . Maybe. . . I need to pray about this. . . But don't bother with the 2006 reprint. I already have that and they completely messed up Trixie's hair. It looks normal. Eh.

[Dolores de Barriga]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Hello Santa - instead of gift requests, I have four questions for you:

1. When did you stop going by Saint Nicholas, ditch the bishop robes, and get married? Which of the popes allowed you to do so?

2. Is the North Pole really a better place to live than Turkey where you are originally from?

3. Why so many different days for Christmas-related gift giving: December 6/St. Nicholas' Day, December 25, and January 6/Three Kings' Day? How do you keep up with when to deliver gifts to which cultural tradition? Please note that even though I live in the US, my gift receiving date is still January 6. Los Tres Reyes Magos are the ones who bring gifts to Jesus, duh!

4. Last but not least: why do you always deliver expensive toys to rich kids, and cheap toys to poor kids?

Thank you for your kind attention to these questions.

P.S.: The cassowaries really are a nice finishing touch for the hot mess also known as "The Year of Our Lord 2020."

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Hello Santa - instead of gift requests, I have four questions for you:

1. When did you stop going by Saint Nicholas, ditch the bishop robes, and get married? Which of the popes allowed you to do so?

2. Is the North Pole really a better place to live than Turkey where you are originally from?

3. Why so many different days for Christmas-related gift giving: December 6/St. Nicholas' Day, December 25, and January 6/Three Kings' Day? How do you keep up with when to deliver gifts to which cultural tradition? Please note that even though I live in the US, my gift receiving date is still January 6. Los Tres Reyes Magos are the ones who bring gifts to Jesus, duh!

4. Last but not least: why do you always deliver expensive toys to rich kids, and cheap toys to poor kids?

Thank you for your kind attention to these questions.

P.S.: The cassowaries really are a nice finishing touch for the hot mess also known as "The Year of Our Lord 2020."

Ho and WOW! That kinda reveals what Christmas is all about for you, doesn't it? So, instead of answers, I have some gifts for you. You need to get loose, have some fun and re-gain the sense of wonder that might still lie buried very very deep within that scholarly konmari of discarding all things bright and beautiful. What you need is a scooter with Indian-style decorations.



But that is not enough! You also need some suitable renovations to your wardrobe to be presentable when driving around with that gizmo.



It is genuine polar bear replica of fine plastic strands with the blush pink stain, chemical composition Cd-Se-Ze-Si! It's awesome. And here's something to sooth your pale complexion and your upset tummy.



As stated previously, the cassowaries are out of stock and whining won't get you any!

Ho and PS: Handy-Brandy girlygirl. Your case is closed for now.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY!

Dear Sinner,

It has come to our attention that you're deliberately spreading the Corona Plague, a disease, whose distribution should be left to Jesus. Moreover, you're wantonly infecting innocent children with it!

Dozens of children who attended a tree lighting event in Georgia may have been exposed to COVID-19 after a pair performing as Santa and Mrs. Claus tested positive for the virus, officials said.

You're interfering with Divine stuff that you have no understanding of. I have sent a letter to the Congress to revoke any licence you may have to enter the US airspace on Christmas Day. You really are a demon, aren't you!?



That said, I would not mind having a nice vintage KJV to add to my collection.

Zechariah 14:18
And if the family of Egypt go not up, and come not, that have no rain; there shall be the plague, wherewith the LORD will smite the heathen that come not up to keep the feast of tabernacles.




Yours in Christ,

Elmer