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  • #1

    Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

    And if you ever doubted it, read THIS!

    Woman finds bat in Christmas tree

    NIPOMO, Calif. - Sheila Kearns had a Christmas tree delivered to her home on Sunday. She says she thought she'd been pricked by pine needles when she reached into the tree while decorating it. But the next morning, she found a bat hanging upside down in her home.

    It turns out that the Christmas tree farm Kearns bought from keeps bats around for pest control and that one unwittingly hitched a ride to her home.

    Animal control officials picked up the bat, which tested negative for rabies.

    Kearns got a tetanus shot and some antibiotics, but says she's not fazed. She says she'll keep buying her trees from the same farm.
    Well isn't that nice? The empty-headed female gets attacked by one of satan's spawn hiding in her "holidays tree", and plans to continue doing business with the same demonic dealer of death.

    God Almighty warns us about decorated trees in the Bible. This is what will happen when we disobey God's commands.
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

    Hello Pastor Ezekeiel,

    Perhaps we ought to hold a tree burning season? I recently purchased a GODLY flamethrower and some ol' evergreens are sizzlin' right out my window this minute as I type this message. Who cares about the who gobbledigook that trees give us oxygen! That's the old LIEbral AtheASSt excuse of taking away the recognition from GOD! After all, the TRUE GOD is a JEALOUS GOD. He don't want no treefaggers taking away HIS spotlight!

    No heathen on this side of town will be glowing up their tallywhacker shaped trees if they can't find any! They will thank me later when the realise that Satan won't be hitchin a ride in their HELLiday Trees!

    PRAISE!

    -Carlton Green

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

      Were any charges brought for animal cruelty?
      The Bible, when correctly interpreted, tells us to love everyone.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

        Originally posted by Darren Ingram-Myers View Post
        Were any charges brought for animal cruelty?
        I don't know that there are laws to punish cruel animals. However, testing it for rabies involves cracking its skull open and testing brain bits, which would pretty much constitute capital punishment.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

          Seeings as how these trees are so Satanic I thought I'd decorate my Limo.

          Click image for larger version Name: Merry-Xmas_Squirrel.jpg Views: 1 Size: 27.1 KB ID: 1900837

          Little Critter tried to dodge out of the way, but I got him second time around

          Sister Talitha

          Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


          HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
          being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

            Originally posted by Sister Talitha View Post
            Seeings as how these trees are so Satanic I thought I'd decorate my Limo.

            [ATTACH]742[/ATTACH]

            Little Critter tried to dodge out of the way, but I got him second time around
            Sister Tali, perhaps you have this bumper sticker also?:

            "I Speed Up to Run Over Small Animals"

            (Why, of course! If not, we might have a lot fewer fine songs like Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road)

            He's Dead! He's in the middle! And he's stinking to haaaaah HEAVEN!!

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

              What if one's tree has tinsel. Pretty, silver tinsel! Is it still satanic?
              Tir'd, and despairing, O celestial maid,
              I'm caught, I cry'd, without thy heav'nly aid.
              Help me, Diana, help a nymph forlorn,
              Devoted to the woods, who long has worn
              Thy livery, and long thy quiver born.               - Ovid

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

                Originally posted by Arethusa View Post
                What if one's tree has tinsel. Pretty, silver tinsel! Is it still satanic?
                Sister, even though you are just a female, I would expect that you have been studying the Holy Bible. The answer to most questions can be found in it's divine pages.

                Jeremiah 10:2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. "Learn not the way of the heathen" and don't look for signs from heaven.
                10:3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.
                10:4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.
                Who Will Jesus Damn?

                Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

                  Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                  Sister, even though you are just a female, I would expect that you have been studying the Holy Bible. The answer to most questions can be found in it's divine pages.

                  Jeremiah 10:2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. "Learn not the way of the heathen" and don't look for signs from heaven.
                  10:3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.
                  10:4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.
                  Oh yes, of course I read the Bible, I just haven't reached Jeremiah yet. Ok, ok so the silver is bad, but what if we planted it in nice godly dirt and everything, no hammering and no nails. And only hung one Rudolph ornament. There isn't even a star at the top (yet).
                  Tir'd, and despairing, O celestial maid,
                  I'm caught, I cry'd, without thy heav'nly aid.
                  Help me, Diana, help a nymph forlorn,
                  Devoted to the woods, who long has worn
                  Thy livery, and long thy quiver born.                   - Ovid

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

                    Originally posted by Arethusa View Post
                    Oh yes, of course I read the Bible, I just haven't reached Jeremiah yet. Ok, ok so the silver is bad, but what if we planted it in nice godly dirt and everything, no hammering and no nails. And only hung one Rudolph ornament. There isn't even a star at the top (yet).
                    Sweet Jesus you are a bubble headed female. This is a good example of why women need a man to guide them and tell them what to think. You are also a walking example of why females have no business getting a secular education beyond home economics class and charm school.

                    At the end of the path you are treading lies pagan tree worship and feminaziism. I urge you to stop thinking about such filth and get back to baking pies.
                    Who Will Jesus Damn?

                    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

                      Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                      Sweet Jesus you are a bubble headed female. This is a good example of why women need a man to guide them and tell them what to think. You are also a walking example of why females have no business getting a secular education beyond home economics class and charm school.

                      At the end of the path you are treading lies pagan tree worship and feminaziism. I urge you to stop thinking about such filth and get back to baking pies.
                      I baked a pie, Pastor, just like you said I should. And when I show you a picture of my lovely tree, why even Jesus himself will gasp in wonder.
                      Tir'd, and despairing, O celestial maid,
                      I'm caught, I cry'd, without thy heav'nly aid.
                      Help me, Diana, help a nymph forlorn,
                      Devoted to the woods, who long has worn
                      Thy livery, and long thy quiver born.                       - Ovid

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

                        Originally posted by Arethusa View Post
                        I baked a pie, Pastor, just like you said I should. And when I show you a picture of my lovely tree, why even Jesus himself will gasp in wonder.
                        Was it a blueberry pie by any chance? I am partial to blueberry pies...

                        Are you any good with a rabbit casserole?
                        Who Will Jesus Damn?

                        Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                        Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                        Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

                          Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                          Was it a blueberry pie by any chance? I am partial to blueberry pies...

                          Are you any good with a rabbit casserole?
                          <Thinks outloud>

                          Now WHY would he want anyone's pie but mine?
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                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

                            "Jeremiah 10:2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen"
                            HEY! I think you mean to be talking about SOLSTICE TREES! Everyone knows that Christmas is a FAKE holiday. Because we live in kinda cramped quarters during the winter, and people fart and stuf, we drag a tree into the house so that we get that fresh pine sent. Remember we can't afford all those fancey sprays and stuff.

                            That's how it started and then you maniac christians did LEARN our ways and now you'll little better than tree-worshipping wiccas!
                            I am on the adventure of a lifetime! This is even better than the time I used the plastic stones!

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Christmas Trees ARE satanic!

                              Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                              Was it a blueberry pie by any chance? I am partial to blueberry pies...

                              Are you any good with a rabbit casserole?
                              It had bluberries and raspberries. It's in the Jesus bake-off thread if you want to take a look.

                              I admit that I haven't cooked any rabbits. I used to own some so I'm not too partial to eating the cute things.
                              Tir'd, and despairing, O celestial maid,
                              I'm caught, I cry'd, without thy heav'nly aid.
                              Help me, Diana, help a nymph forlorn,
                              Devoted to the woods, who long has worn
                              Thy livery, and long thy quiver born.                               - Ovid

                              Comment

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