Handy Tips for New Wives

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Always squeeze fresh orange juice for your new hubby (only whores use frozen concentrate).

Before your hubby gets home from a hard days work check yourself in the mirror and make sure your makeup is fresh and you look as pretty as you did when you were courting. Now that you've bagged him does not give you the right to let your self go and into a sloppy sow.

When he slaps you or corrects you in any way do not make a sound and thank him for it.

Always give him the biggest and best of the portions of food you are preparing.

Always remember that your wants and desires will always come last. JESUS and your Hubby are your Universe and you are just in it's orbit.

[SUV]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

1) Put another log on the fire!

2) Cook him up some Bacon and some beans!

3) Go our to the car and change the tire

4) Wash his socks and sew his old blue jeans!

5) Fetch his pipe and then go fetch his slippers

6) Fix him up another cup of tea!

7) Put another log on the fire!

And then go ask him why he's leaving me

[Eugene Hackwith]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

Always give him the biggest and best of the portions of food you are preparing.

This is my favorite, as it reminds me of my childhood. I remember my mother always hitting me and my brother's hands with her wooden spoon when she fried up a chicken for dinner and we reached for the breast pieces that were reserved for my father. Hard working men need their hearty portions, while women need to keep their slim figure. Simple as that.

[Nobar King]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

Don't sleep in. We don't need no lazy slobs.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

I'm surprised that sister Thumper neglected to mention that any wife who's worth her salt should be an expert at ironing her Husband's underwear. It must be the good sister's natural humility that she doesn't go around town bragging that she won the recent ironing contest after church on a recent Sunday.

I like my morning newspaper ironed too. Sometimes when I'm bored I have sister Thumper run over to my place and iron whatever money I might have laying around. Nothing like a crisp $100 dollar bill, am I right Brothers?

[Nobar King]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

There's nothing like a good massage. I don't like having those 'sexy' massage tables around, but I still enjoy sitting in my special chair and getting a good neck rub.

[Larry Lee]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

Also, the True Christian(tm) wife doesn't hesitate to invite over her attractive girlfriends who have bell-like laughs and tendrils of brunette hair that fall across their foreheads

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

When cleaning his gun...

Keep his barrel clean and his chamber empty.

I am reminded of a joke...

A distraught housewife visited her pastor to tell him that her husband was dead. The pastor asked the housewife if her husband had any last requests, to which she replied yes... "Honey, put that gun down".

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

When cleaning his gun...

Keep his barrel clean and his chamber empty.

I am reminded of a joke...

A distraught housewife visited her pastor to tell him that her husband was dead. The pastor asked the housewife if her husband had any last requests, to which she replied yes... "Honey, put that gun down".

Oh, um, yes Mother G, that joke is a real knee-slapper. Very funny. I'll have to remember that one...

I think I'll go buy sister Thumper some flowers.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

More Tips

Don't be a Nag.

[Talitha]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

Make sure you learn how to use a Car Handbrake.
There can come a time in any married Womans life when she needs to know how this works even if she never actually drives a Car.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

Make sure you learn how to use a Car Handbrake.
There can come a time in any married Womans life when she needs to know how this works even if she never actually drives a Car.

You certainly seem to know how to release one.

[Walter Brimstone]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

Miss Glendora,

I love it!!!

In Him,

Walter Brimstone

When cleaning his gun...

Keep his barrel clean and his chamber empty.

I am reminded of a joke...

A distraught housewife visited her pastor to tell him that her husband was dead. The pastor asked the housewife if her husband had any last requests, to which she replied yes... "Honey, put that gun down".

[Cheshire]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

I have one!

never complain during... Baby making. Ad don't act like a boy. Always wear a dress, have clean hair, fresh makeup, food.

And be ready to make him a snack at any time. Do not comment on his figure, as men can be as fat and ugly,as they want, so long as they are not niggers, chinks, japs, azns or brazilians.

[Mindlessly So]

Re: Handy Tips for New Wives

Hmm...here are a few more for ya.

1. If your husband turns out to be not as tough and macho as your father was/is, make sure that your kids see their Grandpa rather than their Dad as their earthly representation of what God is. The louder and stricter, the better.


2. Make sure at family gatherings that your female children and possibly yourself are the only people washing dishes after the party. Uncles and grandfathers, etc, may only participate in barbecuing, never cooking, and certainly not in the cleanup.

3. Make sure that your children can automatically, on looking at a piece of meat or cake, determine which is a Dad-sized portion, which is an Uncle So-and-So sized portion, and which is a Grandpa--sized portion. All other portions are irrelevant and interchangeable in size. At least 1/3 smaller than the aforementioned.

4. Make sure that your decibel level when speaking is at least -6dB below that of your husband, father, brother, etc, unless you are praising the Lord or thanking the men for something.

5. Even if you are rather dominant in your relationship, repeatedly affirm to your children that when it comes down to a real disagreement, you always submit to Daddy if you can't somehow make him agree first.

6. Even though you are female, never voice anything but shock or fear at the sight of a woman pastor. Unlike a male pastor, she cannot protect, rebuke, or defend you...even from the thug down the street. Remember...bigger animals are born to lead the smaller ones. (Which is why chimpanzees still rule the planet).

7. If God had wanted women to lead, he would have made them 6'2" with commandingly loud, low-frequency voices and lots of muscle to deter any questions. The fact that many men do not fit this category either is merely evidence of the Fall. Eve's fault, of course.

8. If your husband expresses interest in other religions or denominations, you are free to divorce him, as this counts as "infidelity" on his part. But as this will tarnish your record indefinitely, please prayerfully consider re-converting him first. Use all your feminine wiles to do so. This is the one instance, besides persuading him to marry you before sex, where your natural feminine deception may be utilized to the Lord's benefit. Hey, the snake taught Eve something, didn't he?

9. If other people, especially men, question why you married so early, married your first boyfriend, or married as a virgin, or otherwise suggest that you did not have enough "experience" before marrying, take this as a lewd proposition. Become insulted immediately. They probably wish you were single so that they could sexually corrupt you and tarnish your Record (TM). Remember, your wedding day was a celebration not just of the union of two people in love, but a celebration of your Perfect Record, (sometimes called virginity) the only thing that guarantees you regret-free lovemaking after marriage, and the right to hold your sinless head high in church. Be worthy of the fancy dresses you will wear on the Easter Sundays in the future. Don't be an implied hypocrite, who looks beautiful in church but secretly enjoyed her body and another person's before marriage.


10. The point is, your marriage is not just a relationship between you and hubby. It's an example to all your unsaved friends. Let them wish their relationships were as easy and happy as yours, and then tell them how the Church made it so. Never let them see you unhappy at your Christian husband, or they will get the wrong idea and never join the faith. And then whose fault will it be???


--Submitted by Mindlessly So