[BrotherLarry]

Re: Starting THE RULES book club

Dear harlot:

Don't be rude to this great lady! She is a pillar of this community and she is lovely on the outside and the inside! She just radiates the Love of Our Lord! What innuendo is there? Also, don't wine about infractions! They are given rightfully and justfully. I've also lost points for forgetting my place, and when I did, all I did was apologize, work harder to being perfect and learn my place. Zip your mouth girl unless you have something to say praising Jesus! "I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1

Elizabeth

Sister Elizabeth,

You have grown in the grace of our LORD and surely your husband must be proud. If you choose to leave Him, my offer still stands. I am a fine young man, full of God's truth and love. Happy Valentine's Day, beautiful lady!

IN HIM,
Brother Larry

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Starting THE RULES book club

Sister Elizabeth,

You have grown in the grace of our LORD and surely your husband must be proud. If you choose to leave Him, my offer still stands. I am a fine young man, full of God's truth and love. Happy Valentine's Day, beautiful lady!

Brother Larry, I must intervene here and ask you to curb your urges. Mrs Johnson is a respectable married lady, she is with child, and your persistent advances can only distress her. Kindly behave yourself.

Also, please refrain from referring to "Valentine's Day" as though it were harmless. Brother Elmer's scholarly exposé here will show you why.

Thank you, dear.
All the best,
Joanna

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: Starting THE RULES book club

Sister Elizabeth,

You have grown in the grace of our LORD and surely your husband must be proud. If you choose to leave Him, my offer still stands. I am a fine young man, full of God's truth and love. Happy Valentine's Day, beautiful lady!

IN HIM,
Brother Larry

Darling, Handsome Young Man,

My dearest Elizabeth is certainly a prize, but unfortunately she has chosen another to be her lifelong husbandman. She will not be offended by your compliments, but you must be careful not to embarrass her nor anger her beloved Mervyn or whatever his name is.

As an unmarried woman, I know the pain you feel - I know you have been struggling through life without a helpmeet after successfully fighting the scourge of the catholic faith, realizing that there is only ONE true way to Heaven - the Man Christ Jesus, not His mother. Your counsel here has likely been noticed and will result in rewards if you follow Jesus, tithe until it hurts, and maintain a respectful attitude toward True Christians(TM). I will pray that a lovely, Christian woman takes interest in you very soon, my dear. (And before you ask, No)

Yours in Jesus' love and claiming His Victory,
NRL

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: Starting THE RULES book club

Dear harlot:

Don't be rude to this great lady! She is a pillar of this community and she is lovely on the outside and the inside! She just radiates the Love of Our Lord! What innuendo is there? Also, don't wine about infractions! They are given rightfully and justfully. I've also lost points for forgetting my place, and when I did, all I did was apologize, work harder to being perfect and learn my place. Zip your mouth girl unless you have something to say praising Jesus! "I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1

Elizabeth

My sweet daughter in Christ,
How the Holy Spirit speaketh through your writings! You are never out of my prayers and always in my thoughts. I swell with pride when I see the lovely wife and soon to be mother you've become. May Christ shower you with His love and blessings each day, my darling!

Yours in Him,
NRL

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Starting THE RULES book club

Sister Elizabeth,

You have grown in the grace of our LORD and surely your husband must be proud. If you choose to leave Him, my offer still stands. I am a fine young man, full of God's truth and love. Happy Valentine's Day, beautiful lady!

IN HIM,
Brother Larry

Brother Larry,

As Mrs. Johnson, I must kindly, in a most-Christian manner, ask you to search for another helpmeet. As Sister Joanna and Naomi kindly pointed out, I'm happily married and with child; therefore, I am not eligible for marriage. Also, I would never leave my marriage (if that's what you mean by him, and even less, Him who is Above), so I'm sorry that is not an option. Also, Valentines Day is not a Christian holiday, and my husband, a pastor, refuses to let anyone celebrate it, with good reason. I'll pray that you find another lady to stalk consider.

Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Starting THE RULES book club

My sweet daughter in Christ,
How the Holy Spirit speaketh through your writings! You are never out of my prayers and always in my thoughts. I swell with pride when I see the lovely wife and soon to be mother you've become. May Christ shower you with His love and blessings each day, my darling!

Yours in Him,
NRL

Sister Naomi,

How lovely it is to hear from you; I hope and pray fervently that the Lord continues His Gracious Goodness to you and that He blesses you with a husband soon, so I can see you in heaven, after you bear a son to whoever may be blessed to have you as a helpmeet! Also, on a side note, may I confirm that the ladies I recommended to you for your California branch of your pie, are suitable and properly behaved. As members of my parish, my husband has ordered me to keep the silly ladies in line for him, so he, as a godly man, can deal with the bigger issues. If you have any problems with me, don't hesitate to fire them, and contact me.

Elizabeth

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: Starting THE RULES book club

Sister Naomi,

How lovely it is to hear from you; I hope and pray fervently that the Lord continues His Gracious Goodness to you and that He blesses you with a husband soon, so I can see you in heaven, after you bear a son to whoever may be blessed to have you as a helpmeet! Also, on a side note, may I confirm that the ladies I recommended to you for your California branch of your pie, are suitable and properly behaved. As members of my parish, my husband has ordered me to keep the silly ladies in line for him, so he, as a godly man, can deal with the bigger issues. If you have any problems with me, don't hesitate to fire them, and contact me.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth, Dear,
The devoted, Christian women you referred are now in training. So far, the trainer has given them a complete thumbs up. They pray over each ingredient, asking Jesus to bless it and edify it to the consumer's needs. He rated their moistness as impeccable and taste as above average. He said every time their pies touch his lips, he almost screams out in joy and so do they. I am, of course, very pleased.

On the other hand, I hired one person for my location in Kansas this past week that I later found out was skipping church and then lying about it (I keep a log in each store that requires employees to write down when they attended church and the topic of the sermon). She wrote in the log that she attended Wichita First Baptist and the topic was "Men of Faith," when the fact was that she didn't attend and the topic was the Sermon on the Mount. I immediately had her removed and she will spend her eternity in Hell unless she repents immediately. Either way I marked her as a DNR (Do Not Rehire). Being in business these days is so stressful. Praise God for the men I have managing each location, or I would never survive since I am but a lowly and weak-minded woman. But you know that, since you're weak minded, too.

Glory to Jesus,
NRL

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Starting THE RULES book club

Elizabeth, Dear,
The devoted, Christian women you referred are now in training. So far, the trainer has given them a complete thumbs up. They pray over each ingredient, asking Jesus to bless it and edify it to the consumer's needs. He rated their moistness as impeccable and taste as above average. He said every time their pies touch his lips, he almost screams out in joy and so do they. I am, of course, very pleased.

On the other hand, I hired one person for my location in Kansas this past week that I later found out was skipping church and then lying about it (I keep a log in each store that requires employees to write down when they attended church and the topic of the sermon). She wrote in the log that she attended Wichita First Baptist and the topic was "Men of Faith," when the fact was that she didn't attend and the topic was the Sermon on the Mount. I immediately had her removed and she will spend her eternity in Hell unless she repents immediately. Either way I marked her as a DNR (Do Not Rehire). Being in business these days is so stressful. Praise God for the men I have managing each location, or I would never survive since I am but a lowly and weak-minded woman. But you know that, since you're weak minded, too.

Glory to Jesus,
NRL

What a hard, busy life you have, Sister! Being in the business sounds trying, let me know if you need my help. Also, my husband is craving your cherry pie; there are no cherries in God-forsaken California. He asked me to put in an order for 20 pies; the check is already on it's way.

Yours in Christ,
Elizabeth