[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

My daughter's betrothed has confided in me that he takes great pride in keeping his bush neatly trimmed. In fact, he says that he's also volunteered to do a little bush-trimming for some of his teammates in the local men's softball team, even if it takes some extra effort to deal with some of the old-growth forest that some of them have allowed to develop.

[Justina Thyme]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Pastor Isaac, your future son-in-law sounds like a fine young man. I'm so looking forward to meeting him at your daughter's wedding.

Tell me, did she receive that jar of facial depilatory night cream I sent over to her? It's been known to be very effective in improving the... texture of one's skin.

[JennyD]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Sister Mary Maria, I wonder if you could help me with a little shrubbery-related advice.

As you know, I interview the ladies who will be staying at The Monthly Visitor closely (unless they are Platinum or higher Tithers). As part of the interview process, I require the ladies to submit photographs of their homes, so I may see how they keep house; for I expect they will treat my hotel much as they treat their own homes.

One of the ladies in for an interview this past week (I am not at liberty to divulge her name publicly, but we can confer privately) seemed quite all right in most interview sections and credit check, and could readily afford the room rates. However, when she showed me her photographs, my eyes were irresistably drawn to her horrifically overgrown and untamed bush! It was dense and scraggly, with what appeared to be an infestation of small creatures running about in it!

Why, I very nearly screamed!

I asked her, "Ms. _______, don't you think you should do something about that degenerate bush of yours?"

"No," she replied, claiming that she LIKES IT THAT WAY!

Her home was otherwise spotless, but I am at a loss when it comes to deciding whether to take her on or not. Such disrespect for her own bush worries me.

What do you suggest?

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Does she live in Freehold? The follow-up inspections went well with a 95% success rate. What were once shaggy and unkempt became some of the most beautiful, well-trimmed bushes we've ever seen. Only 5% had to be removed permanently. You should have heard the screams as they were being yanked out. You'd think they were attached to them or something!
So if this woman lives in Freehold, her bush is either lovely to behold now, or gone forever.
If she doesn't live in Freehold, but belongs to our church, perhaps one of the pastors could have a word with her. Maybe even visit her farm house to take a look at her bush in person.

[SUV]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

...untamed bush! It was dense and scraggly, with what appeared to be an infestation of small creatures running about in it!

What do you suggest?

Was it ticks & chiggers? Perhaps because she hangs her wet-stuff outdoors and those little buggers can really get into things.

I suggest you have Brother Nobar King give her a good talking-to. It didn't work for Old Iron Crotch, but then again, what would?

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Tell me, did she receive that jar of facial depilatory night cream I sent over to her? It's been known to be very effective in improving the... texture of one's skin.

Yes, she did, and she's very grateful. I'm still a little concerned about her weight, though. One would think that all of her involvement in ladies' sports would slim her down, but apparently not. Any suggestions?

[Justina Thyme]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Liposuction has come a long, long way in the past couple of years. However, before trying such an invasive surgical procedure, I think there is a strong possibility of her overeating's being the work of GLUTTONY DEMONS:

Demon of the Day: GLUTTONY


Posted by Job on March 10, 2007


Gluttony is not merely overeating, eating unhealthily, or eating when you are not hungry, although all of those are signs of gluttony and can give a demon of gluttony a legal right of entry to you. (The fact that evil spirits are legalists should prevent Christians from walking after their ways!) Make no mistake, gluttony is an evil spirit, and evil spirits are depraved and irredeemably evil with no positive characteristics. So, a person bound by a spirit of gluttony will have unnatural eating habits, compulsions, and cravings. Not only being denied food, but being denied the type of food and the amount of food that the demon is motivating to crave will cause such a person severe emotional, mental, or even physical distress. The person afflicted with this will not only think but fantasize about food all the time. He will use food as a motivation and reward. He will use eating as a way to mask his problems and as an escape. He will believe that eating and eating certain things will make him happy. At first, eating will make him happy for a time, but the happiness will go away. Then, the eating will not make him happy, but he will continue to eat anyway chasing the happiness that it USED to give him, plus he knows nothing else to do and cannot control himself. Whenever such a person is sad, lonely, nervous, stressed out, fearful, is having financial/health/relationship problems, food will be the refuge. The person will also allow himself to be trapped in bad situations, because rather than taking the steps required to extricate himself from it, he will just be passive, accept defeat, and just go eat something.

It is easy to mock or even hate the image that comes in your mind of a lonely pig hiding from the world eating a large amount of food while sitting on the couch in his stained underwear or pajamas, but the fact is that these are real people under demonic oppression, and they are in real pain! A great many of these people commit suicide, and if it is not by using a gun or pills it is just by eating themselves to death. So make no mistake, gluttony is no joke.

Another terrible truth is that this spirit seems to be hard at work in the church. There is the stereotype of the overweight church man or lady, and it is not a stereotype! Though it is not much remarked on inside or outside of the church in polite company, privately many worldly people attempt to psychoanalyze church people by claiming that the reason why so many Christians overeat (and why charismatics “shout” for that matter) is because it is an outlet for people who are inhibited and repressed, especially sexually. Of course that is nonsense and the reason for the gluttony is demonic, but the fact that it is common enough for the world to observe it and come up with strange theories for it only shows how common it is. The truth is, however, that people who are trying to live for God will not do the same things or go the same places that the world does, and that can lead to a lot of rejection, stress, and loneliness. And there is also great pressure to “be holy” after the manner of religious appearances, and to religious folk looking the wrong way or saying the wrong thing “will send you straight to hell” but getting thirds and fourths from the church buffet table is just fine.

There are also other definitions of gluttony that are not limited to food. One is wanting more pleasure from something than it was made for, another is having to have things our own special way (delicacy), and a third is demanding too much from people (excessive desire for other people’s time or presence). In other words, an inordinate desire for pleasure, or living to please oneself.

The question is how does this spirit enter. Most evil spirits enter as a result of a reaction to a person being wounded, neglected, or harmed emotionally or mentally in some way. A small child, for instance, may suffer a great loss, and resort to eating his or her favorite food in order to cope with the grief, make it go away. A child being abused or molested may do the same. A person who frequently experiences social rejection, academic, professional, or relationship failures will often take refuge in food. Parents may even expose their children to gluttony by allowing them to overindulge in food, sometimes as a result of the parent feeling guilty for neglecting the child for work or for being a single parent. Any person who has not developed the ability to cope with daily life and will run to the refrigerator rather than deal with problems is either a glutton already or is in danger of being one.

Of course, such a person will need not only spiritual deliverance, but a complete and total change in their lifestyle and the way that they look at life. Even with the demon gone, the physical, psychological, and emotional need for food will almost certainly still be there, as will the gaping wound, unresolved issue, or unmet need that the person was trying to cover up with food in the first place. Until those are dealt with, the person will be at risk for allowing the demon to re-enter. For the former, a rigorous but attainable and non-legalistic program of fasting is often necessary to break the person’s physical, psychological, and emotional addiction, and to build self-control. In most cases, this will be arduous, must be done over long periods of time, and the person will experience any number of failures and disappointments along the way, but the good news is that it almost always works! The dependency goes first, then the habits, then the craving. After one is done, he will discover that he didn’t even LIKE a lot of the food that he was eating! And as for the unmet need that was being covered up by the wound, well a lot of people will find out that the fasting to break themselves from the food was easier. It will involve confronting painful incidents from the past, especially childhood, including things long forgotten or more accurately repressed and buried under piles of food. The person who is eating because of failures must realize that the reason for the failures is his unwillingness to do only that which God wants him to do; a failure to submit to God and let God run his life. Up till that point, his life has been driven by his own desire to experience pleasure! But once a person stops living to please himself and starts living to please God, he will see that he will never fail. Also, the person who runs and eats because of fear and therefore never does this thing or that thing needs to realize that in many cases this is a demonic trap to keep him from doing what God wants him to do, and therefore this gluttony demon has been acting to hinder God’s plan. Imagine if David had gone off and eaten something when it was time to face Goliath, or Moses had done so when it was time to lead Israel out of Egypt, or John the Baptist had done so when it was time to proclaim the coming of Jesus Christ and baptize many of the people who would follow Him and ultimately preach His resurrection to prepare the way! If a demon of gluttony could have delayed those works being done, it most certainly would have, and that is precisely what many glutton demons are doing to hinder the people that they are oppressing in their service to God. But the thing is that even when the demon is gone, the fear is still there. The way to overcome it is to remember Bible verses such as “perfect love casts out fear” and “God has not given us the spirit of fear but of a sound mind” and then go forth and do EXACTLY what we are most afraid of, because often that will be the thing that God wants us to do, and what Satan DOESN’T want us to do.

So between Deliverance, lipo, and rigorous fasting, your "little princess" will be sure to do her Daddy proud on her special day. GLORY!

[Zipplock]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

you people have an unhealthy obsession with pubic hair..... get a grip or better yet get a life

[Nurse Clampett]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

you people have an unhealthy obsession with pubic hair..... get a grip or better yet get a life

Get thee gone.

[Zipplock]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Go Play with yourself Granny Clampett

[JennyD]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

you people have an unhealthy obsession with pubic hair..... get a grip or better yet get a life

You're disgusting.

This thread was about shrubbery, not women's unmentionable areas!

Now you've resurrected the thread and made it into something depraved and repugnant.

Brother Nobar, have you run across any disturbing bushes, or unruly muff in your daily strolls? Anything unexpectedly sprouting from a crack?

[Bernard Lothaire]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Hi,


I have been looking for Christian advice on bush trimming for so long! There is a surprising absence of information on the subject. Thank the Lord I have found your Godly website!


My question concerns my back door bush.
I have a very thick and luxuriant bush growing by my back door. And I wonder if I should trim it or leave it to its natural state. As it is now, it has grown so long that it sticks well above my fence.


Here is where I'm confused :
-- On the one hand, the bush hides my back door from view, and I feel it makes it less inviting for would-be intruders.
Also against trimming, it being in a dark and hard to access spot, I'm afraid that if I were to play with powered tools in that area I could end up accidentally breaking open my back door...
-- On the other hand, my back door bush is a constant subject of gossip in the neighbourhood. The bush is now so thick and unkempt that my neighbours often jeer about it, whenever they know I can hear them (for example, when I lay around outside, suntanning in my speedos).


Any advice ?

[James Hutchins]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

Like a good Christian, I make sure my wife takes care of my home so I am happy when I return from a day of hunting. I do the mans work, of taking care of the lawn and the bushes. Well, yesterday, I cam e home and she was not home. I went to the neighbors looking for her. She's been spending a fair amount with the widow Jenks since her husband got blowd up. Well, she was trimming the bush at of widow Jenks. Now, I like the property values to stay up, I like having the nicest block in the parish, but to see my trimmer, on another's bush infuriates me. Do you think it would be wrong of me to go over there and trim more of the bush myself?

[Mary O'Bryan Thorne]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

I too, have only one bush but this summer's heat wears on me something terrible, making it hard for me to tend to the upkeep. One of my fine neighbor men has been keeping my bush trimmed on a weekly basis - he comes over later in the evening as he has to wait until his wife is sleeping - she tends to think he shouldn't be volunteering his services to help the neighbor ladies that are alone.

I've noticed that my bush has started growing much faster lately, I've heard that older bushes tend to do this at times, so my neighbor has volunteered his nice, teenage son to trim my bush once a week as well, to keep it looking wonderful. With the attention of both of these fine men, my bush looks spectacular and is the talk of the neighborhood.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Shock at the untrimmed bushes in Freehold following inspectio

I am sure the rapid bush growth you are experiencing is due to the laying of fertilizer by your kindly neighbors. It is good you are able to lay down in the heat of things while the young man is on top of the situation, sweating hard.